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IF I WERE KING OF THE FOREST

"When I'm running the world, there's gonna be some big changes, big changes!" Who hasn't had that thought from time to time? We're only human, we all have our daydreams, our wish lists and our pet peeves. Who wouldn’t want to change the world for the better? And being human, we also notice that the people who actually do run the world are also humans, in most respects no different from you and I except that they get to run the damned world and we don’t.

Careful scrutiny of many of these people convince a lot of us that we could do as least as well as they are doing. Heck, look at the Bush administration, you tell yourself. The president himself seems to be some amiable half–wit who couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the C and the A. Those surrounding him? I don’t see any Daniel Patrick Moynihans, Henry Kissingers or Adlai Stevensons, if you catch my drift. I mean, when this nation got attacked, this administration responded by invading the wrong country! How is that possible? After Pearl Harbor, did Roosevelt attack Peru? Did he ramble on about not giving much thought to Emperor Hirohito’s whereabouts or where Hitler was hiding himself these days or what they might be planning?

And when Hurricane Katrina devastated one of our great cities and other areas of our Gulf Coast, what happened? You tell me. So far as I can tell not much. Hell, we rebuilt Germany and Japan quicker than New Orleans following World War II, and they were our enemies! So you say to yourself, hell, even I’m notthat big of a screw-up. And I wouldn’t employ my good buddy as the nation’s Attorney General, the highest law enforcement position in the nation, because he was a nice guy who spoke just like I did. Well, maybe I would…

And it’s not just our own leaders you look at and say to yourself that you could out-perform this guy. Check out some of the princes and kings who were born into world-runner status. Dumb as fence posts most of them and completely out of touch with the people they rule. What about the sons of dictators who inherit the tyrant’s seat when Pop checks out? Fredos, every one, not a Michael Corleone among ‘em. Baby Doc Duvalier comes to mind, a vicious fool so stupid he could have held a key post in the Bush Administration. Kim Jong Il is another one of these clowns, presiding over a starving population while spending all their dough on the military and his personal “pleasure squads.” A very sizable chunk of the population of North Korea were born just fine but are permanently mentally retarded because they didn’t get enough nutrition when they were developing. This jerk-off will be long gone when some other leader has to figure out exactly how to care for these people who will never get better and cannot ever be productive citizens. Where’s Moe Green to slap him around when you need him?

But this human doesn’t really think I could run the world. The aforementioned rulers are aberrations, really, part of life’s rich pageant for the time being. The sick joke portion of life’s rich pageant, that is. America will learn from eight years of Moe, Larry and Curly politics and elect a smart guy or gal next time who will in turn will surround themselves with very smart people. As for the princes and sons of tyrants, the dumb ones don’t last all that long. Has anybody heard from Baby Doc lately? A phone call, an e-mail, a Christmas card maybe? Guess not. Truth be told, running the world is a serious business requiring serious people to fill the seats of power. But it is nice to dream, no?

If I were in the seat I don’t think I’d propose any big sweeping changes. Politicians are always promising you stuff they know they can’t deliver ‘cause they know you’ll vote for them since you want that stuff. Remember Clinton and universal heath care? About time, the whole country cheered. Boy, that went away quick, didn’t it? Or Jimmy Carter promising that this nation would never deal with other nations that oppress their citizens with his Human Rights Initiative? Great idea, Jimbo!</>. Now look at the labels of everything you’re wearing and see how many “Made in China” labels you’re sporting

Or Ronald Reagan, the man who wanted to greatly reduce the size of the Federal Government, get it off our backs for good? Cool, Ron, go for it!The man then proceeded in his eight years to triple the size of the federal government and put is in a financial hole that was eating more than half our tax revenues until Clinton found something that was doable and he balanced our national budget for the fist time in half a century, with trillions left over to boot. Of course George Bush the Younger proceeded to squander that surplus and then some swiftly, ringing up Reagan-sized deficits that will have to wait for a smart guy to fix.

And what about his promises? No child left behind? Hell, some of the poor tykes are so far in the rear-view mirror education-wise they’ll be lucky if they learn to speak a little more coherently than the current president, and that won’t qualify them for anything. Unless of course they’re born into a ruling class family flush with oil billions. And what about Dubya’s promise to track down and annihilate those responsible for attacking our country? See above, the part about attacking the wrong damned country. But I digress, and he’s just too easy a target. Back to my daydreams.

When I run the world, I’m going to change stuff alright, but I won’t promise anything outlandish. No sense getting foiled by a hostile Congress. Maybe promise the voters that I’ll be the sharpest dressed president ever. That ought to be a snap, judging from the identical wardrobe of every president I can remember. Get some designer duds, liven up the colors, throw in some accessories and a little leather and you’re done. Mission accomplished. I’d only make promises I could realistically fulfill, like swearing a solemn oath to never waste my time clearing brush. Not that I have any brush to clear in my tiny yard in Brooklyn but if I did I’d have some other guy do it for me. People don’t hire a president to pose in the hot sun with a damned weed-whacker. I figure they want him in his office figuring out solutions to the brain-busting problems confronting the nation. The least a man elected to the highest office in the land can do is to pretend to do so.

I’d also call off the war on fat guys. Like it’s not embarrassing enough to not fit into any of your clothes anymore and now you’ve got not only your wife but the government up your ass to eat salads and jog? Please! Whatever happened to being too polite to mention other people’s personal habits? Some of my best friends are heavy and I figure it’s their business, not mine or the government’s. We’ve already got a sizeable community of scolds, doctors, and that’s plenty. When was the last time they cured a disease? It was polio, wasn’t it? And that was like, what, 50-something years ago? A little less scolding, a little more curing, okay people? And I wouldn’t quit smoking to please anybody either. I’d be a sharp dressed, cigarette-smoking president with a bunch of very smart tubbies around me giving me sound advice. Better I should start some stupid war I’m too old to fight myself or get a blowjob in the White House from some twit too young to be my daughter? Me, I’d go to a Motel 6 just like anybody else.

So you see why the likes of me runs no nation. No ambition or aptitude for the job. Oh sure, I could improve our education system tomorrow by tripling the salaries for teachers and thus attracting better qualified people to the job., but Congress would only water down the proposal with maybe a 2% raise saying it was way too expensive and irresponsible. Then they’d proceed to load the bill with pork barrel projects costing ten times more than the raise for teachers and I’d look like an idiot for proposing it in the first place and Johnny and Mary still won’t read up to grade level. Don’t forget, this is the same bunch who weighed down the 9/11 legislation and Katrina funding with billions and billions of tax dollars for useless personal projects like bridges to nowhere and cheese museums. Without a line-item veto, the job of president takes a stronger stomach than mine. Who wants to eat all that crap from all these smiley photo-op blowhards? They all want the job anyway. Let them see what they can do with it. Me, I’m happy enough with my daydreams…

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