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PICKING A NEW #2 MAN IN AL QAEDA

For the umpteenth time the Pentagon has announced that it has killed or captured the #2 man in Al Qaeda. The title, while it might be loaded with prestige for the man who gets to sit at the right hand of Osama bin Laden, has to be one of the most hazardous jobs around. Now that America has killed the latest #2 man, Mustafa Abu al-Yazid, with an unmanned predator drone aircraft, somebody has to move up a notch to fill his job. The meeting of the Al Qaeda Leadership Council to pick a successor to Mr. al-Yazid went something like this:

Osama bin Laden: “I guess you’re wondering why I’ve called you all here…”

Sheik Yerbouti: “No, we’re not wondering, Ozzy. Everybody knows what happened to Mustafa. You’re looking to appoint a new #2 man. Well, count me out!”

Osama bin Laden: “It is duly noted that you don’t want the job, Sheik Yerbouti, and don’t call me Ozzy!”

Mullah Yabba Dabadu: “Sheik Yerbouiti isn’t the only one around here who feels that way, Osama. Allah knows that the #2 job in Al Qaeda is very hazardous to your health”.

Osama bin Laden: “Where is your martyr spirit, my people! Let’s keep the big picture in mind here, the defeat and conversion to Islam of the Great Satan America.”

Sheik Yerbouiti: “And where is yours, Ozzy? No one here remembers you volunteering to blow yourself up for the cause!”

Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: “Yerbouti’s right! You want to fill the #2 job so bad, take it yourself!”

Osama bin Laden: “How can I be an assistant to myself! Besides, the role of martyr does not fall to leaders and planners like ourselves…”

Sultan Peppah: “Tell that to the last couple of dozen #2 men, Ozzy!”

Osama bin Laden: “They were well rewarded with 72 virgins in Paradise, and Alllah is most pleased with them! And stop calling me Ozzy!

Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: “And since when is our mission to defeat and convert America? We thought it was only to get America to leave us alone!”

Osama bin Laden: “After 8 years in Afghanistan, is has become obvious that the Great Satan is a very tenacious foe and will not leave until they kill or capture me. Therefore, they must be completely defeated and their country must be converted to Islam.”

Sultan Peppah: “Oh, is that all? Defeat the most modern army in the world and take over America? With what? Hijacked airplanes and illiterate goat herders? What part of Guerilla Insurgency don’t you get, Ozzy?”

Osama bin Laden: “The guerilla insurgency will defeat the Americans in Afghanistan and Iraq, and then we move the fight to their home soil for complete victory. And stop calling me Ozzy!”

Ayatollah Howmenee: “Conquer America? You had your cave checked for mold spores lately, Ozzy, ’cause you’re not thinking straight. Last time we did that they invaded Afghanistan, annihilated its army and toppled their government in like, what, 3 weeks? A year or so later they did the same thing to Iraq,  only this time they hung their leader for good measure. Now their flying robots kill us like steel hawks from the  sky! This would be a good time to lay out the grand plan to defeat these people, Ozzy. Where’s your invasion force gonna land? Who gets to govern Vegas once America surrenders?”

Osama bin Laden: “Enough with the Ozzy already! We will conquer the Great Satan from within, with American Muslim men willing to die for Allah.”

Imam Hoozya Dadyeh:Sure, like that Einstein you sent to Times Square! Get real! I’m thinking now that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to use up all 19 of our top guys on that 9/11 mission. What have we done since then? The Shoe-Bomber nitwit and the Times Square slacker, who left the keys to his damned getaway car in the car bomb?”

Sultan Peppah: “A car bomb which never went off, might I add?”

Osama bin Laden: “Okay, so they all can’t be home runs. What about the trains in Spain?”

Sheik Yerbouti: “Like the Rolling Stones song says: ‘Who wants yesterday’s papers?'”

Osama bin Laden: “Personally, I prefer ‘Exile on Main Street,’ but what is your point?”

Sheik Yerbouti: “I mean that you used up all of our best people in a just couple of big headline bombings, that’s what! The rest of ’em can’t even read, for Allah’s sake! They couldn’t plan a meal, never mind spectacular attacks on infidels. Most of our people are real good at shooting AK47s up into the air and howling like banshees, and not much else! This is your army, pal, so command it to overthrow The Great Satan already! And while you’re feeling frisky, why stop at the conquest of America? Our toothless illiterates ought to be able to conquer the whole world in a couple of years, right?”

Osama bin Laden: “It will take more than a couple of years, my friend, perhaps even a decade…”

Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: “10 years and the world will be ours? In that case, you are indeed a masterful leader touched by Allah, and no man is worthy to be your assistant. I call upon this counsel to proclaim that from this day forward: ‘No mortal man shall sit at the right hand of Osama The Great.’ He will be his own #2 in Al Qaeda. long may he live! Those in favor say Aye!

The Assembled Leadership Council: “Aye!”

Osama bin Laden: “Now, wait just a dog-gone minute…”

Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: The ‘Ayes’ have it! Congratulations, Ozzy, from here on in you’re your own Number 2# man! Let the world know that Osama The Great is both the #1 and the #2 man! Meeting adjourned. Watch out for those hawks, Ozzy!

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