For a holiday that no religion can claim, it sure has a ton of rituals. Consider the almost universal Thanksgiving menu of the driest bird in the animal kingdom stuffed with bread mixed with the flesh of a far tastier animal, and surrounded by mounds and mounds of greens, starches, sweets, gravy and biscuits, followed by an overwhelming array of pies, pastries, confections and roasted nuts. When you consume more food and drink in one sitting then you normally do in 3 days, this must be


Invented to mark the day indigenous tribes saved European immigrants from self-inflicted starvation because too of many of the dumb fuckers considered manual labor to be below their station in life and neglected to bring along enough strong backs backs willing to perform all the hard work and doff their caps to their betters, the “as you know what’s best, Guvner” types who kept the soft-handed European swells in silks and champagne forever.

That shit didn’t wash in the infrastructure-free New World, and thanks to the generosity and example of the locals, soon everyone’s hands were calloused and the colony thrived, even if the profound lessons of cooperation between alien civilizations has long been replaced with feasting as the only proper way to celebrate this land’s bounty.

Thanksgiving still remains many Americans’ favorite holiday because of the universal human feeling that gratitude is never out of place, and a day dedicated to appreciating what we have and the people we share it with is still a great idea. Happy Thanksgiving!

• Suggested Activities: Second helpings

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