Lovitz as Tommy Finnegan, Pathological-LiarToday is when the entire world celebrates International Day of Peace, but screw that, that’s just not happening. Instead, let’s talk about the time I repelled an alien invasion with a dozen bottle rockets and a switch blade on


As Secretary of Defense Vin Diesel told me the other day while seeking my advice on how to work the global weather control machine I invented, Katie Perry keeps begging him to talk me into taking her back, but who’s got time for her when the Swedish Women’s Olympic Beach Volleyball Team won’t leave me alone?

I don’t have the heart to break all this to Jennifer Lawrence, but that’s another story altogether.

Meanwhile, who stopped over my 5th Avenue townhouse today but Samuel L. Jackson, ready for another cool badass lesson for his next movie role, so we took a long soak in the hot tub while the volleyball team peeled us some grapes and poured the champagne, then a relaxing massage from Doctor Oz.

Later on, Derek Jeter stopped by to borrow my World Series MVP trophy for a photo shoot, then Sam and I took the girls out to my restaurant, the Four Seasons. We would have flown to my palatial villa on the Island of Mustique for the weekend, but I lent my Lear jet to Jay Z for a few days.

Now this is my kinda celebration! Glad I talked my buddy Antonio Banderas, Secretary General of the UN, into declaring this holiday in my honor. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

•Suggested Activities: Scaling Mount Everest in the nude.

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