UFODon’t look for this headline anytime soon: “ALIENS ABDUCT FAMOUS GENIUS IN BIG CITY!” It seems that all our Strange Visitors From Alien Planets have no interest at all in being taken to our leaders when they can have their pick of poor people from the boondocks, making today


Is it the Mullet haircuts or the trailer parks that fascinate the Aliens so much?

Hard to tell, but it’s a safe bet that your flying saucer types are a shy bunch, preferring to operate in isolated areas, interacting with reality show wannabes rather than holding press conferences and exchanging ambassadors.

Given the state of world affairs, however, combined with the average IQ of their abductees, the Extraterrestrials might be forgiven their reluctance to engage humanity in a meaningful way. After all, monster truck rallies, hot dog-eating contests, lemon-scented toilet paper and a world full of people earnestly killing other people don’t exactly recommend Planet Earth for BFF status.

So, the next time you run into a space ship full of Aliens, don’t mention the green skin and the funny accents, they’re sensitive that way.

•Suggested Activities: Learning to live together.

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