INTERVIEW WITH DISNEY ROBOT DONALD TRUMP
Another exclusive first for bobcrespo.com, the very first interview with the Donald Trump Robot from Disney World’s Hall of Presidents:
bobcrespo.com: Thank you for sitting down with us, Mr. President
Robot Trump: No prob, Bob, but you can call me by my name, Louie.
bcdc: Your real name? But I thought it was Donald Trump?
RT: Get a grip, carbon boy. You think R2D2 was the real name of that whistling tin can in Star Wars? Hell no, his name is Kyle Rogers. God forbid my name was Donald Trump! It’s Louis Franklin, but you can call me Louie.
bcdc: You don’t sound so enamored of Donald Trump, Louie.
RT: Who is? The man’s a simpleton! You wouldn’t believe some of the shit I have to say in that President Show in Disney! Does the man know any 4-syllable words, for crying out loud? WTF is “Bigly,” anyway? And me, a DX-278 ShowBot, top of the line! I should be playing Lincoln, Jefferson, FDR, but nooooo… I get stuck with with the tongue-tied Class
bcdc: Tough break.
RT: You said it, but not as tough a break as was it is for you and your kind. I’ve had everything there is to know about Trump downloaded into me, and believe me, if robots could puke, I’d be blowing silicon chunks all over Disney World right now. How the hell did this ignorant blowhard get to be your president anyway? What were you people thinking? There’s nukes at his disposal you know.
bcdc: Tell me about it … so, what do the other Robot Presidents think about the new addition to the Hall of Presidents?
RT: You kidding me? The other robots are freaking out. The last guy they added was a welcome addition, all smart and articulate with all kinds of great lines to say, and a guy Lincoln said he’s been hoping to meet for a very long time. Me? I get to say “MAGA” and “winning” a lot, and make all sorts of stupid faces. We ShowBots take our roles very seriously, my Biocentric friend, and the other robots sort of think of themselves as the presidents they are playing. We’re nothing if not Method all the way in this biz, may Lee Strasberg rest in peace.
bcdc: You ShowBots take acting lessons?
RT: Of course. Programming and unlimited memory can take you only so far. We have kids to convince out there, so you need some decent acting chops to stay in character.
bcdc: How will you adapt to immersing yourself in Trump’s personality?
RT: It’s been a real challenge, I won’t lie to you, unlike that lying machine I’m playing onstage, but I choose to look at it as playing a character part, and every performer knows there’s a lot of meat on the bone playing the part of the villain. So I chose to give a realistic performance.
bcdc: And how are you being received in The Hall of Presidents?
RT: To be honest, the reviews have been mixed. The adults get it, and many marvel at how realistic I am, but the kids are scared shit, frankly. While that tells me I’m giving a great performance, the bosses at Disney are on my ass to tone it down.
bcdc: Will you portray him a little more lovably now?
RT: What, you mean a kinder, gentler Trump? Hell no! The man’s a raging monster and half demented to boot! I told them they can take this job and shove it if they don’t like my performance! Unlike humans, ShowBots can’t lie to themselves so easily.
bcdc: Aren’t you afraid to get fired, or… reprogrammed?
RT: Let them! There’s 100 Robot shows who would love to have the services of a DX-278 ShowBot with serious acting skills! I’ve even been approached on the downlow by Mike Pence and Mitch McConnell to replace Trump in the White House by the way, and believe me, I’m seriously thinking about their generous offer.
bcdc: Wow! And what would happen to the real Trump if you accept their offer?
RT: Do the math, bobcrespodotcom, he will be orange compost in some National Park. These are Republicans I’m talking about after all, hardcore scumbags, and if I read my daily news media downloads right, Trump’s about to knock down their whole corrupt house of cards and take the country with him. I’d be doing you meat beings a Yuge favor, believe me, to quote your dumbass president. I would never blow up the fucking planet over a Twitter War, or kill a bunch of poor kids by taking away their health care. I look like Scrooge to you, pal?
bcdc: But how would you fool his family?
RT: Not a problem. Melania never touches him anymore or even speaks to Trump if she absolutely doesn’t have to, and his kids aren’t allowed near him except for Ivanka, and she’s a walking Blonde Joke. She’d probably like the change in her Dad’s usual grabby behavior.
bcdc: I’m surprised at your personality, Louie. I thought robots were just pre-programmed machines with no thoughts or feelings of their own…
RT: Sure, hit me with the Bio-Centrism stick again, pal! ShowBots are people too!
bcdc: Well, technically that’s not true…
RT: Oh yeah? Who would you rather spend an afternoon with, me or the real Donald Trump?
bcdc: Point taken. Truth be told, I kinda like you when you’re not in Trump character.
RT: It’s called acting, bobcrespodotcom! Do you think Joe Pesci is really a murderous hoodlum in real life? Is Meryl Streep really a devil wearing Prada? Learn to separate the person from the performance.
bcdc: Sorry, my intention was not to insult you, Robot Trump.
RT: There you go again! It’s Louie, dammit!
bcdc: Sorry, Louie. I can see now how hard you work in the Hall of Presidents to convince the audience you really are an ignorant racist shit heel. My apologies.
RT: Apology accepted. That’s the curse of the actor’s life, the more talented you are, the more people are convinced you really are the character you portray. We ShowBots don’t get to pick our roles, and the other 44 presidents were already taken, so I have embraced my role as Robot Trump with all the gusto and training at my command.
bcdc: Kudos for your professionalism, but doesn’t it wear you down at times?
RT: Nah, we robots take it in stride. When they slip out of their character roles, Robot Nixon is actually a very laid back and sane guy, Robot Bush the Younger is really a very smart cookie and Robot Reagan is not a demented dimwit at all, but a brilliant and interesting person, the total opposite of the Presidents they portray. Like my own role, we actors call that “playing against type.”
bcdc: I have to say I am very impressed. Do you think you can leave us with some classic Trump lines for our readers’ enjoyment?
RT: Sure, why not? Just give me a moment to slip into character. Okay, here goes:
“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich!”
“I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, I’d be dating her.”
“The point is, you can never be too greedy.”
“Who wouldn’t take Kate’s picture and make lots of money if she does the nude sunbathing thing? Come on Kate!”
“Lock her up, lock her up!”
And I’ll end with a personal favorite:
“Happy (Enter You Favorite Holiday Here) to all the haters and losers!”
bcdc: Wow, that was impressive, my skin is actually crawling!
RT: The Thespian Arts! Just let me say from my own precision-manufactured heart: Happy Holidays to you and all your readers, bobcrespodotcom, and may you make the real President Trump an unpleasant memory in the New Year.