Grown man: I’m here to report a sexual assault.

District Attorney: Of who… your wife, your daughter, a girlfriend?

Man: No, of me. I was raped. Father O’Blivion of Saint Bordello’s Church sodomized me a bunch of times 35 years ago when I was an altar boy, and I just cannot keep it bottled up inside me anymore.

District Attorney: Why didn’t you report it then?

Man: I was ashamed and afraid, and he told me I could get expelled from school, and my parents would be furious with me. He was our parish priest, and that meant a hell of a lot back then! I wound up quitting the altar boys and keeping my mouth shut. The shame was too much.

District Attorney: What were you wearing at the time of these alleged assaults?

Man: What? My altar boy robe, I guess.

District Attorney: What were you wearing under your altar boy robe?

Man: Blue jeans and a polo shirt? Who remembers?

District Attorney: Where they tight blue jeans?

Man: How the hell do I know?

District Attorney: You expect me to believe you remember being sexually assaulted when you can’t even recall what you were wearing or if your jeans were tight?

Man: What the hell is the difference what I was wearing? I was just a boy!

District Attorney: Did you send out any signals to Father O’Blivion?

Man: Fuck is wrong with you, asshole? I was 11 years old, and still thought my dick was only for pissing! Only signal I knew then was the middle finger.

District Attorney: Do you always get so worked up when talking about your penis?

Man: You’re a sick fuck! Aren’t you going to do anything?

District Attorney: Calm down. Father O’Blivion is an old man now, nearing retirement. Do you really want to ruin his life?

Man: But he fucking ruined mine, and who knows how many other boys! What about us?

District Attorney: You look okay to me…

Man: I’m a thrice-divorced alcoholic who wakes up with night sweats twice a week, I have a harder and harder time concentrating, and can barely relate to normal people without having a stiff belt…

District Attorney: And you want to blame all that on Father O’Blivion?

Man: I trusted him! He was my mentor, my teacher!

District Attorney: Sounds like the attraction was mutual, you ask me…

Man: Nobody asked you, shithead! I’m here to report a crime, a sexual assault, and you’re trying to make me the bad guy here? What the fuck!

District Attorney: Hate to tell you, but that ship has sailed. The statute of limitations was up over 25 years ago….

Man: So what can I do? 

District Attorney: Suck it up, Sweetcheeks. My hands are tied and there’s nothing I can do. Why don’t you go to church and say a few prayers, ask for guidance from the Lord? 

Man: Were  you listening to a fucking word I said? The church is where this shit all started!

District Attorney: Frankly sir, you are getting a little too emotional and out of control, and I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.

Man: So that’s it, nothing? 

District Attorney: Afraid so, there’s nothing I can do. Now, if you’ll excuse me, good day to you, sir!

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