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YOUR HANDY POLITICAL TRANSLATION GUIDE

IBM 360Here at World Headquarters of bobcrespo.com, researchers, senior analysts and interns are busting it 24/7 to decode the cacophony of Politalk rattling our skullbones every Election Season. Cut to the chase with these translations:

Phrase:  Our children are our future!

Translation: Someone’s gotta refill the Treasury.

 

Phrase: I swear on the Holy Bible to uphold the Constitution of The United States of America.

Translation: I will ruthlessly cherry pick both these documents for out-of-context phrases that support my only objective, getting my own way by any means necessary.

 

Phrase:  Politics makes strange bedfellows.

Translation: We’ll betray our principles and our constituents in a flash for more money and power.

 

Phrase:  My views are evolving.

Translation:  I finally got the memo on overwhelming public support for a popular issue, so stay tuned for a blockbuster announcement at a politically opportune moment.

 

Phrase: Trickle Down Economics

Translation: I’ve got mine, and yours and yours and yours too! Now drop dead.

 

Phrase: “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in the America that millions of people believe in.” ~ Mitt Romney, 2012

Translation: Anything you want it to mean.

 

Phrase:  High ranking inside source.

Translation: Disgruntled loser in a power struggle.

 

Phrase: The House Foreign Relations Committee today announced a 7 day Fact Finding Mission to Brazil to study beach erosion.

Translation: Stay tuned for debauchery on an epic scale.

 

Phrase:  Ethics Committee.

Translation: Clay Aiken’s girlfriend.

 

Phrase:  I recognize my esteemed colleague from across the aisle…

Translation: … as a lying sack of shit who’d sell his children’s future for a Rolex watch, matching blonde hookers and a golf outing in Bermuda.

 

Phrase:  Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.

Translation: If you think I’m giving up my fat envelopes from the NRA to save a few innocent bystanders who didn’t vote for me in the first place, guess again!

 

Phrase:  It’s the economy, stupid!

Translation: It’s the stupid economy.

 

Phrase:  I believe in American exceptionalism.

Translation: I believe I’ve just fooled millions of exceptionally gullible fools with yet another meaningless statement.

 

Phrase:  Weapons of mass destruction.

Translation: Unwillingness to surrender your nation’s wealth to Big Oil.

 

Phrase:  Compassionate Conservatism.

Translation: Thimblefuls of lip service.

 

Phrase: We are a Christian nation.

Translation: Duck!

 

Phrase: Voter I.D. Laws.

Translation: Show me your papers!

 

Phrase: The Reagan Revolution.

Translation: The Empire Strikes Back.

 

Phrase: Mission Accomplished!

Translation: Our stock portfolios just went through the roof!

 

Phrase: The buck stops here.

Translation: That buck better have plenty of company!

 

Phrase: We are not perfect.

Translation: Who do you think showed the Devil the ropes?

 

Phrase: The Liberal Media.

Translation: MSNBC, The Huffington Post and 2 or 3 obscure weekly pamphlets.

 

Phrase: Follow the money.

Translation: Amen!

 

Phrase: Tea Party.

Translation: A memorable passage from Lewis Carroll’s “Alice in Wonderland.”

 

Phrase: No new taxes!

Translation: Our children are our future!

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