Here at World Headquarters of bobcrespo.com, researchers, senior analysts and interns are busting it 24/7 to decode the cacophony of Politalk rattling our skullbones every Election Season. Cut to the chase with these translations:
Phrase: Our children are our future!
Translation: Someone’s gotta refill the Treasury.
Phrase: I swear on the Holy Bible to uphold the Constitution of The United States of America.
Translation: I will ruthlessly cherry pick both these documents for out-of-context phrases that support my only objective, getting my own way by any means necessary.
Phrase: Politics makes strange bedfellows.
Translation: We’ll betray our principles and our constituents in a flash for more money and power.
Phrase: My views are evolving.
Translation: I finally got the memo on overwhelming public support for a popular issue, so stay tuned for a blockbuster announcement at a politically opportune moment.
Phrase: Trickle Down Economics
Translation: I’ve got mine, and yours and yours and yours too! Now drop dead.
Phrase: “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in the America that millions of people believe in.” ~ Mitt Romney, 2012
Translation: Anything you want it to mean.
Phrase: High ranking inside source.
Translation: Disgruntled loser in a power struggle.
Phrase: The House Foreign Relations Committee today announced a 7 day Fact Finding Mission to Brazil to study beach erosion.
Translation: Stay tuned for debauchery on an epic scale.
Phrase: Ethics Committee.
Translation: Clay Aiken’s girlfriend.
Phrase: I recognize my esteemed colleague from across the aisle…
Translation: … as a lying sack of shit who’d sell his children’s future for a Rolex watch, matching blonde hookers and a golf outing in Bermuda.
Phrase: Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.
Translation: If you think I’m giving up my fat envelopes from the NRA to save a few innocent bystanders who didn’t vote for me in the first place, guess again!
Phrase: It’s the economy, stupid!
Translation: It’s the stupid economy.
Phrase: I believe in American exceptionalism.
Translation: I believe I’ve just fooled millions of exceptionally gullible fools with yet another meaningless statement.
Phrase: Weapons of mass destruction.
Translation: Unwillingness to surrender your nation’s wealth to Big Oil.
Phrase: Compassionate Conservatism.
Translation: Thimblefuls of lip service.
Phrase: We are a Christian nation.
Translation: Duck!
Phrase: Voter I.D. Laws.
Translation: Show me your papers!
Phrase: The Reagan Revolution.
Translation: The Empire Strikes Back.
Phrase: Mission Accomplished!
Translation: Our stock portfolios just went through the roof!
Phrase: The buck stops here.
Translation: That buck better have plenty of company!
Phrase: We are not perfect.
Translation: Who do you think showed the Devil the ropes?
Phrase: The Liberal Media.
Translation: MSNBC, The Huffington Post and 2 or 3 obscure weekly pamphlets.
Phrase: Follow the money.
Translation: Amen!
Phrase: Tea Party.
Translation: A memorable passage from Lewis Carroll’s “Alice in Wonderland.”
Phrase: No new taxes!
Translation: Our children are our future!