President Obama looks like he can win reelection, but only just barely. The only thing preventing it will be his choice of Vice President. Oh, I know, I know, you’re saying to yourselves that he’s already got a perfectly serviceable Vice President in Joe Biden, affable and a bit dopey, the way we like ’em. Only problem is, that Old Joe wants more! This born-to-be-second-banana wants to be Top Dog, and we’ve all seen the results of that last time around when Shotgun Dick Cheney staged a bloodless coup and took over America!

That’s like Larry deciding he wants to be Moe, or in Biden’s case, Curly! That just won’t do, and the Cheney Administration only highlighted this recipe for disaster. This country was not built on having talented, high-profile Vice Presidents. Quick, name 5 memorable VPs! No? Okay, how about 3? See what I mean? They just don’t register. Traditionally, the only time you hear about one is when a President dies in office and he takes over, a guy no one voted for and who no one wants to see running the show.

Look at the piss-poor record of Vice Presidents when running for President. Few make it, simply because they have spent 4 or 8 years not making a difference, relegated to we’ll-call-you-if-we-need-you status, maybe breaking a tie vote in the Senate every couple of years, and the rest of the time making speeches to 4H Clubs and attending the funerals of state leaders we didn’t like all that much.

Joe Biden was made for this minor league crap, but this Larry all of sudden wants to be a Moe and is making way too much noise for a VP! See, the problem here is that Biden has run for president himself a few times, and didn’t get very far, but that didn’t dissuade him from thinking he could be The Man. No friggin’ way! The voters told him that time and again, but this old bag of hot air refuses to read the memo.

Time for a new Larry: Yours truly! I will be more than happy to melt into the background and do very little. Hell, the salary is great, the perks even better, and a great lifetime pension too! Why ask for more? There’s a Vice Presidential Mansion with a nice pool to live in, an office with a large staff to help you do nothing, a bunch of Secret Service Agents running interference for you and and the use of Air Force 2 to travel the globe spreading good will and judging wet T-shirt contests in Brazil!

What’s not to love? Why ruin a sweet gig like this by working extra hard in a job designed for a lazy but jovial old fool? That’s me! I promise not to embarrass the American people or my President by trying to govern America. That’s what Presidents and Congress are for. I vow not to come up with any “bright ideas” that throw a monkey wrench into the President’s plans.

Any President who hires me to be his VP also gains another vital edge: assassination insurance. Even the most crazed assassin would take pause before firing the bullet that would put the likes of me in the White House! This way the President can concentrate on the hardest job on earth with out having to worry about either being shot down or having a thorn-in-his-side type of clueless VP always putting his 2¢ in or making stupid public statements.

No worries on that score with Vice President Bob Crespo. Between fact-finding missions to Scandinavia and the French Riviera, swimming in the Vice Presidential pool with my attractive young interns and showing minor visiting dignitaries a whale of a good time, I’ll have plenty enough to do without worrying about politics, or worse, actually formulating workable policies.

I will restore the office of the Vice President to the margins of American political life, a do-nothing job held down by a guy who looks good in a suit and is quick with a joke or a ringing endorsement of whatever cockamamie thing the president is up to at the moment. I’m practicing these catch phrases now: “What he said,” “It’s the best thing for the nation right now,” “I agree wholeheartedly with the president” and “Is this a great country, or what?”

I’ll smile and wink at the cameras, maybe flash the occasional “V For Victory”  finger sign, but only rarely speak out, and then only if the president asks me to. If he needs me to threaten someone, I’d do that too, Brooklyn style, so his hands will be clean when Senator so-and-so shows up at a session with a couple of black eyes and a broken thumb to cast his vote in favor of the President.

How many mob enforcers does Joe Biden know? Hah! And fugghetabout corporate lobbyists, I’d have them kneecapped and beaten within an inch of their lives (maybe even have a few whacked to send a message) and clean up D.C in no time!  Coming from Brooklyn has its advantages, and a “suggestion” to lobbyists that they “maybe you oughtta pick a healthier career” and leave Washington for good can only help lubricate the wheels of government.

So there we have it; quiet, non-interfering, fun loving and affable, yet willing to do the “little extras” to help my country (and keep my cushy job!). The choice is clear:



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