The 2012 Presidential Elections are still over a year away but the Republican Candidates, both declared and otherwise, are already in our collective face, appearing everywhere and trumpeting their indignation at the current Democratic administration, and assuring us that their unique skill sets will enable them to undo the carnage of the previous Republican administration.

Fortunately for President Obama, these GOP and Tea Party Wannabe Presidents are scary crazy and thick as a fence post, every one. What the Republicans seem to have forgotten since their success with the pinheaded Bush The Younger, is that you put the wacky person as the #2 person on the ballot, the office of the Vice Presidency, where they are harmlessly out of the way, running minor state errands and shaking hands with Boy Scouts.

Which is where I come in, to address President Obama’s one weakness at the polls, the #2 man. Joe Biden has been showing signs of taking his job seriously, never a good thing in the annals of the Vice Presidency. Hell, that crazy Cheney guy took  over the country! Now Joe all of a sudden has opinions on things? That just won’t do. Mr. President, dump that croaking frog and share your ticket with me!  I’ll be so anonymous you’ll wonder if I’m even there, the way a proper Vice President behaves!

As Vice President, I will be accorded the use of the Vice Presidential Mansion (with pool!), Air Force 2 (just as cool as AF1), an extensive staff and no shortage of attractive young interns of my own choosing. I will be expected to show up in the Senate every blue moon to break a tie, fly around the world checking beach erosion in Rio and the Riviera, attend minor state functions and basically look good in a suit or tuxedo. Plus a nice salary and a chubby phat expense account! You think I’m going to screw up a sweet gig like that by getting involved in politics? No chance.

I, Bob Crespo, solemnly swear to return the Vice Presidency of the United States of America to its hallowed and time honored position; anonymous, smiling and affable! I am even willing to grow mutton chop whiskers and wear a top hat just like all those other Vice Presidents whose names you don’t know but seemed like jolly enough fellows, but not quite up to being President.  If they were baseball players, they’d have what is called “warning track power.”

But that’s just fine with me, that is all we really want from our Vice Presidents, the appearance of  normality. As long as you can master that, it doesn’t matter how loony you are, just as long as you keep it out of the papers! The real President has enough to do without worrying about a loose cannon like Biden mouthing off about something he doesn’t know a thing about because he’s out of the loop! I will stay out of the loop and make it my business not to get involved in  the business of governing!

See, that’s the problem with modern Vice Presidents: they are all picked from the bunch of candidates that the nominee just defeated, people who spent over a year trashing his policies and selling their own, so they all think they they can do a better job than their boss. I suffer no such illusions. My answer to all political questions will be: “What the President said!”

Oh, did I mention the sweet pension and the lifetime Secret Service bodyguard detail? Great seats at Yankee Stadium forever! But I digress. Today I announce my candidacy for the office of Vice President of The United States. I humbly offer my lack of services to President Obama and the nation.



Leave a Comment

Scroll to Top