Bobcrespo.com has done it again, successfully wiretapping the latest meeting of the Al Qaeda Leadership Council, held in the conference room of a Day’s Motor Inn on the outskirts of the city of Abbotancostelloabad in Western Pakistan. The recent “firing” of long time CEO Osama bin Laden has prompted much behind-the-scenes jockeying for the top spot by several contenders, and this meeting was held to settle the issue once and for all in order to continue their ongoing mission to “kill where no man has killed before.” The meeting was chaired by Sheik Yerbouti of Wazzuppistan.
Sheik Yerbouti: Gentlemen, this meeting is called to order. As we all know, our leader of blessed memory, Osama bin Laden, has been martyred by The Great Satan and is now enjoying his menage a’ 72 in Paradise, so it is left to us to pick a new leader. Let’s get right down to business, shall we? I nominate myself! The floor is open.
Sultan Peppah: Wait just a doggone minute, Yerbouti! Who died and made you king?
Sheik Yerbouti: Osama did! It is well known that I was Osama’s most trusted aide and his only logical successor!
Mullah Yaba Dabadu: I’ll tell you what I recall, you goat-humping old swine, that at the last meeting of the leadership council you refused the honor of taking the #2 job and forced Osama to be his own assistant, thus dooming him!
Ayatollah Howmennee: Dabadu’s right! Allah knows that The Great Satan has been picking off our #2 men for years with their metal robot hawks! Maybe if you took the #2 job Osama would still be alive and you would be the one sleeping with the fishes!
Sheik Yerbouti: Can I help it if all our #2 men boasted of their elevation on Facebook! What ever happened to following the Book Of Corleone: “Never tell anyone outside the family what you’re thinking!”
Ayatollah Howmennee: Tell that to your Twitter following, you simpering jackal!
Sheik Yerbouti: Who would you propose to take the Blessed Martyr’s place, yourself?
Ayatollah Howmennee: I myself am unworthy, but I do nominate the eminent and bloodthirsty Ali Ali Oxenfrei, who so bravely organized the tribal warlords to resist the American military in Afghanistan. He is a man among men!
Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: That’s exactly the problem with him, he’s got more teenaged boyfriends than a Republican Senator!
Sultan Peppah: Your point being?
Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: Allah preserve us! If 3 veiled homely wives were good enough for Martyr Osama, I say we don’t elect this drooling chicken hawk to lead us. What are we, The Village People all of a sudden?
Ayatollah Howmennee: So, you would reject centuries of established custom just because you prefer the bed of a woman? You’re no better than those infidel Tea Party buffoons who would deny gay marriage in the Great Satan!
Sheik Yerbouti: Gentlemen, gentleman, we are getting off topic here! We have come here to choose a new leader of the fight to crush the Western dogs and spread Islam to every corner of the earth.
Ayatollah Howmennee: Even Vegas? Get real, Yerbouti, there has to be some pockets of decadent idolatry and fornication left for us to condemn, otherwise our whole reason for living would cease to exist! If you recall our last meeting, there was some unfinished business of exactly who gets to govern Las Vegas once we take over, and I graciously volunteered for this unpleasant task.
Sheik Yerbouti: Good point, Howmennee. And yes, I suppose you can have the honor of presiding over that den of sinful fornicators and condemn them to your heart’s content.
Ayatollah Howmennee: Of course one would have to extensively sample these deviant pleasures in oder to speak authoritatively on such matters…
Sheik Yerbouti: Alright already, Howmennee, we got the disturbing mental memo! Enough! If you elect me, the job is all yours.
Ayatollah Howmennee: Then I support you completely. I will be leaving soon to do some undercover research in order to prepare the way…
Sultan Peppah: Not so fast, curry breath! What about Caliph Hamman Aigz? He is a loyal Muslim and an experienced fighter!
Sheik Yerbouti: Hamman Aigz? Even we are not so dimwitted to follow a man with such a name! Our pubic relations have taken a severe enough beating already this week! Have any of you seen the latest polls? We are held in lower esteem than even Shotgun Dick Cheney!
Imam Hoosyah Dadyeh: Hold off on the vote a sec, willya, I must visit the lavatory. This rancid Pakistani lamb kebab is going through me like an express camel caravan through the Sahara!
Sheik Yerbouti: Okay, fine, Dadyeh, but make it fast, you never know when one of those robot Predator Hawks will pick up our trail. We will take a 5 minute break for refreshments.
Mullah Yaba Dabadu: What is that infernal whistling sound? Okay, who left the tea kettle boiling?
(Editor’s note: At this point there was a loud boom on our tape, then a brief silence, but luckily the microphone withstood whatever caused it.)
Imam Hoosyah Dadyeh: Okay, I’m back. Did I miss anyth…. What the fuck! Alrighty then, let us duly record this day that I, Imam Hoozyah Dadyeh of Weirdistan, will henceforth and forever be the undisputed and Supreme Leader of Al Qaeda. Are their any objections?
The Assembled Al Qaeda Leadership Council:
Imam Hoosyah Dadyeh: Then it is unanimous! Meeting adjourned, Death to America. Taxi!