Here at we like to offer a forum to lesser-known sources of information. While the world knows much about the famous Chinese philosopher Confucius and his many wise sayings, his younger brother has slipped through history’s cracks. His given name was Murray Confucius but, to distinguish himself from his world -famous big brother, he assumed the professional name Confuseus, which, we are told, looks a whole lot different from Confucius in Chinese characters than it does in English. His work has long been supressed by Chinese authorities, but thanks to our friends at, who managed to hack into ancient China’s abacus base, we present for the first time in centuries, the Wit and Wisdom of Confuseus, such as it is:

Who can deny; the Poo Poo Platter will face ridicule in the west?

To avoid Mongol hordes, build a wall.

‘Tis written in jade; the emperor’s least favorite concubines will bicker and pout, and shall dally with slaves.

In the pagoda of life, worship not my know-it-all big brother.

No man is an island, but my big fat brother is getting there!

Take insult to heart. Let shame and rage be your twin guides!

When Mongols go around your wall, build a longer wall.

The wise man of middle means smiles on aristocrats, who are but few. There are poor wretches enough to suffer his wrath, as they are many.

The journey of 1,000 Li is best booked well in advance with a reputable travel agent.

The sages sing; The Forbidden City will one day yield its secrets to Assange.

‘Tis etched in ivory; dog is man’s best meal.

Few are so wretched that they cannot find another to scorn and injure.

When the crow flies west, empires tremble.

When Mongols invent ladders, build your wall higher.

(This poem will assist in focusing your heart on revenge. Dedicated to my loathed brother:)

Carefully nurtured resentment

Will fester and will grow

And poison every wicked soul

That wounds and hurts you so!

None can deny, my brother Confucius is a big fat toad!

A deaf ear, a blind eye and a still tongue helps the poor young man become a poor old man.

As the sleeping tiger dreams of vengeance, so must a man choke on his bile.

Truly through the ages will adolescents vex their elders, and be of no worth. The wise parent reminds them of this without relent.

When Mongols take Beijing, bow to your new Emperor.

(Another humble poem to remind the poor to feed their emperor well so he hungers not for more war, taxes or both:)

Let all men rejoice when their leaders live in leisure

and cast not their eyes upon the poor man’s treasure.

As day follows night, so must the young man seek poon.

The poor man who has found perfect tranquility is with his ancestors.

Undeniably, having a Year of The Rat in our calendar humiliates Mongol and Chinese alike!

When Mongols rule in Beijing, call your wall a tourist mecca.

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