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General Interest, Humor

WICKEDLEAK RETURNS WITH MILD INSINUATIONS!

Tallyrand D’Antione of Wickedleak here, as always reporting from an undisclosed location. Here at wickedleak.net we are determined to show solidarity with Julian Assange, facing extradition to Sweden, where he will face a secret tribunal of Viking Chieftains on sex charges. Since the authorities have managed to shut down Assange’s Wikileaks for the time being, Wickedleak takes up the banner with the following earth-shattering revelations that some people would rather not be made public:

The President of The United States of America, Barack Obama, in a direct snub to his African-American brethren, smokes non-menthol cigarettes. What message is this man of mixed-race trying to send?

Executives at Bank of America held a hot dog-eating contest at their annual company picnic, but not with their own hot dogs, with the winner being the one who could eat the most hot dogs from other people’s tables. The company wrote the whole thing off as a training seminar.

The owners of Saudi Arabia, Inc., The Saudi Royal Family, has but a tenuous claim to the throne. Documents in our possession reveal that incumbent Saudi King Abdullah won the title in a high-stakes game of Naked Twister from the rightful heir to the throne.

Jay Leno is secretly campaigning to have Conan O’Brien fired from his new Cable TV show. Wickedleak has come into possession of an audio-taped conversation where Mr. Leno admits his reasons: “Just to fuck with that punk-ass little shit’s head even more! He’s finished in this town, you hear me? I’m Jay fucking Leno, dammit! He’s finished!

Wickedleak has uncovered documented evidence that powerful United States Congressman Barney Frank is a practicing homosexual. When confronted with irrefutable evidence by Wickedleak operatives, Mr. Frank made this statement: “♫Helllooo–oo!♪”

Wickedleak reminds you that with the recent (forced?) retirements of Regis Philbin, Mike Wallace and Larry King, that Andy Rooney of CBS Television’s “60 Minutes” is now the only TV personality that did not grow up watching television, and there will never be another. Conspiracy, or that tired old “Father Time” explanation that the powers-that-be would have you believe?

The Roman Catholic Church has long resisted demands by the faithful for financial transparency. Wickedleak has come into possession of documents that may shed some light on annual expenses at the Vatican. Pope Benedict’s costume and dry cleaning budget in fiscal year 2010 was in excess of €3 million ($4.086 million U.S.), with his pointy hat bill alone amounting to nearly $1,350,000!

Wickedleak has been in receipt (from an anonymous donor) of sensational information about the new American political party, the Tea Party. An insider has provided Wickedleak with detailed proof that there is no platform, no mission statement and no political think tanks being convened to formulate practical solutions to the tough problems. One Tea Party powerhouse explained: “We let our anger do our talking and our thinking. The American people relate to that, and deserve better than the stale old ‘let’s-fix-things-together-as-one-nation’ policies of the Obama administration.”

Documents uncovered by Wickedleak have confirmed the long-rumored existence of a very large nation to the north of the United States of America. This country has been identified as “Canada,” and very little is known about it since almost no news of its inner workings reaches the outside world. It is thought to be a Theocracy, with their state religion having something to do with the Queen of England, the leaves of maple trees, red tunics with brass buttons and ice fishing. So far Canada has had nothing to say one way or the other, to the surprise of no one.

The Chinese government has attempted on a number of occasions to hack into Wickedleak.net in order to discover any damaging leaked documents about Chinese financial dealings, but the cyber-attacks were repelled by our alert Indian tech support people, who knew something was up when the Chinese hackers didn’t know Mrs. D’Antoine’s maiden name. The joke is on them since no one here at Wickedleak can read Cantonese and so it’s unclear if we’re sitting on dangerous secrets or shredded pork recipes.

Wickedleak investigations of corruption and incompetence at The United Nations and their abysmal record of never having solved any problem anywhere ever, have prompted that organization to appoint a committee to study the feasibility of convening a panel that will make non-binding recommendations regarding the eventual formation of a permanent committee that will decide whether or not to form an investigative unit to find out who leaked the dirt to Wickedleak. The whole process should take about a decade.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has asked Wickedleak to help him show his innocence of charges that he paid a 17 year-old prostitute for sex with documents in our possession that prove that he bought the girl fair and square from Ukranian human traffickers and thus should not be held accountable for violating his own property. Well, as it turns out, Wickedleak did indeed have a copy of that bill of sale and it looked pretty legit and straightforward so we forwarded it to Mr. Berlusconi’s defense team so he could prove clear title of ownership of the girl in  question.

Monsanto Corporation has been threatening Wickedleak with starvation if we do not cease and desist releasing documents critical of the giant genetically-altered seed company. Lawyers for Monsanto have pointed out that Monsanto now owns the rights to every food crop in the world, and by extension, every domestic animal raised on their crops, and can say who is and is not allowed to eat their food. Our own lawyers confirmed this is indeed the case and so we surrendered the incriminating documents to Monsanto. Hey, Crusaders have to eat too!

This has been another earth-shaking report from Wickedleak,net. Look to these pages for further reports from yet another undisclosed location. Until then, this is Tallyrand D’Antoine signing off. Always remember: the truth is out there…. sort of.

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