As part of the major renovations we will be undertaking at this website in the coming year, bobcrespo.com is proud to announce the Bobcrespo.com Online University! That’s right, BC.CU will soon be taking applications from promising undergrads looking for that prestigious doctorate degree that will push them over the top when it comes to employability in today’s depressed job market.
More importantly, enrolling at BC.CU gives you Student Status, explaining that embarrassing years-long lapse on your work resume that most Americans have these days. Unlike other Online Universities, BC.CU will not offer advanced degrees in the stale old subjects that have been contributing to the complete unemployability of their students. Looking at the moonscape that is today’s economy, we are tailoring our curriculum to offer careers in the fields where the money is today: The financial services, politics, computer engineering and popular science.
When the rules of mathematics and prudent financial investment are being rewritten daily by the leading practitioners in the financial industries, who needs another Certified Public Accountant or Doctor of Economics trained in the old ways, using the old math? Banks, credit corporations and investment houses won’t touch those misinformed fools who think the game is on the level!
Instead, we turn out Doctors of Creative Accounting (DCAs), real-world savvy professionals adept at getting numbers to say whatever the boss needs them to say. Any fool can write “one plus one equals two,” and guess what? No one wants to hear that crap anymore!
When $7 trillion “disappeared” in 2008, it only disappeared from some people’s pockets and reappeared in the pockets of other people; really, really rich people. Remember, Physics 101 informed us that matter can neither be created or destroyed, and neither can wealth. But as millions and millions of us found out the hard way, it can sure be moved from hand to hand faster than you can say “Impoverished Golden Years.”
A doctorate in Creative Accounting from Bobcrespo.com University could have armed investors with the knowledge of how today’s markets actually work, not how they are supposed to work. Don’t forget, the players set the rules these days! Why pretend otherwise? Learn to be a player at BC.CU!
For example, when the drastic over-evaluation of everything that exists, combined with the financial industry’s selling Mud Futures and Wind Bonds on world markets as if they were real things, a trained DCA would have bailed, knowing the fix was in, and even turned a tidy profit by betting against his country’s economy.
At BC.CU, our curriculum reflects current realities, not academic pipe dreams or antiquated, arbitrary “Scholastic Standards.” In keeping with this hard-nose approach to higher education, we will be offering advance university degrees in the following subjects as well:
Doctor of Popular Science: A scientist first and foremost has to eat, just like anybody else, and these days, a scientist’s bread is buttered thickest in the employ of large corporations. What is science but explaining the unexplainable to non-scientists? So who’s to say what is absolute truth? For all anyone really knows, the world is actually cooling, asbestos is harmless and tobacco is just a fun, cool weed. And with the letters Ph.D after your name, you can command instant respect and a huge salary to explain to the authorities and the general public that your company’s policy of dumping oil slag in the local ecosytem is actually vital “Environmental Lubrication.“
Doctor of Computer Appropriation: Learn to access information from any computer anywhere. If you are technically gifted and understand computers, why waste your time solving logistics problems for your stupid fat cat bosses at a fraction of their bloated salaries? At BC.CU you will learn how to mine the computer memories of any computer anywhere for the gold that is information in the Information Age, and how to run a bidding war to ensure you are selling your Appropriated Data to the highest bidder. Or you can electronically mine actual gold, mining the bank accounts of others and transferring the contents to a series of untraceable offshore accounts we will teach you to set up. Hackers will inherit the earth, and Doctor Hacker will inherit the lion’s share!
Doctor of Political Manipulation (DPM): The modern political landscape is far different from the one still being taught in most universities, but here at BC.CU we teach the Modern Rules of The Game, mainly, that there are no rules anymore! Slander, lies, fear-mongering and histrionics are the hard currency of modern electoral politics, and that’s what wins hearts and minds! Especially weak minds, who are eager to contribute money they cannot afford to a cause that promises them unrealistic prosperity. Issues-based political campaigning is a thing of the past and today’s candidates run on platforms of demonizing the opposition and accusing them of actively preventing “the rest of us” (always include yourself in the great We) from returning to a fabricated idyllic golden age. It doesn’t matter what you tell people what America used to be like before the godless drug addicted transvestites took over, the voters you are targeting know jack about history or the U.S. Constitution.
If that doesn’t work you can always steal an election (see above; Doctor of Computer Appropriation). And we teach potential political operatives the latest successful techniques, such as focussing on as broad a base of the white majority as is possible, and convincing them they are an oppressed, long-sufering minority, with the inference being, that somebody is responsible for their downtrodden condition. Let them fill in their own pet “somebodies,” and you will win the bigot vote as well. Political fortunes have been made this way. New catch phrase: Selective Inclusion.
Doctor of Journalistics: No, that’s not a typo meaning “Doctor of Journalism.” Journalistics is the new science of broadcasting, not what is actually happening, any fool can do that, but what you want people to think is happening. Huge dif. Old school schools are turning out unemployable Journalism Majors eager to report world events, dig for facts, obtain quotes from the main players, follow a strict code of ethics and present their findings in a neutral manner and yada yada yada… How yesterday is that? The Journalistician, on the other hand, cuts right to the chase and tells us that Most People Think such-and-such, or better yet, “most right-thinking people,” and only then report the news!
We here at Bobcrespo.com University know that humans want to be right, want to be in some semblance of harmony with their neighbors, and so we teach our Journalisticians to: (1) React with Realistic Irrational Anger (RIA) to a great many things and Weep Buckets (WB) over meaningless things, and (2) edit every story to make it seem that our way of life is being threatened by Godless drug addicted transvestites. Some people desperately want to be part of Most People and will repeat anything you make up off the top of your head as if were proven truth. You will master these skills and many more at BC.CU. This degree is an express elevator to the top of the Big Media pile!
Doctor of Corporatology: Move over Harvard MBAs with all your supply and demand, market forces and good quality for fair prices claptrap! Have you not been following the events of the past decade? Market Motivation is where it’s at! Screw what is actually being produced! Forecast Economics is what we teach, to sell your bonds and other financial products based on what they will be worth 2 years from now according to your own best guess. And who’s to say for sure the economy won’t double in size? If anyone disagrees, let them make up their own rosy forecast and sell their own damned bonds!
That’s the beauty of today’s market, any number can play! To most people, the market is what the traders say it is, not what is really is. There are countless “expert” forecasters selling their own best guesses to their loyal clients for a tidy profit. That’s called Advanced Perception Management and a valuable executive tool in a world where fortunes change hands without so much as a clothespin being manufactured, but based instead on the sacred belief that by God, we sure could make a darned fine clothespin if we felt like it! Nothing less than a Doctorate from Bobcrespo.com Online University will equip you to navigate these high stakes poker games using everyone else’s money!
On the above advanced degrees, great fortunes are made. American Business has evolved past the surly physical world of products, assets and production, and into the ethereal realm of gossamer dreams bought and sold with the speed of a game of hot potato, and the last one holding the bag loses. Politics, Science and Journalism have evolved along these lines as well, having finally fallen more into line with what most people think.
Let the “control freaks,” “alarmists” and “truth nuts,” who spend their days with their noses buried in books or dubious “scientific journals” in their dark and mysterious laboratories and libraries worry about “digging for facts” when the only ones that matter are the Facts of Life, namely that he who is prepared, eats, and he who is best prepared, eats the most! The Age of Perception Management is upon us and we believe that people deserve an online university they can be proud of, one that supports this nation, our flag, our cherished common values and our valiant soldiers and blessed veterans! Enroll now and get and American Flag lapel pin for a reasonable price!