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SOME LESSER KNOWN LEAKED DOCUMENTS FROM WICKEDLEAK.NET

Tallyrand D’Antoine here, of wickedleak.net, reporting from an undisclosed location. The people here at bobcrespo.com have shown themselves to be the only major website willing to risk their necks to reveal the truth to the world, and so have graciously offered wickedleak a forum after we were shut down by the authorities. We have in our possession many sensitive documents and e-mails that could prove embarrassing to powerful world leaders in various governments, multinational corporations, show business and the mass media. The incarceration and persecution of Julian Assange will not slow the flood of confidential documents to the public, this we vow! The following is a synopsis of some of the most volatile revelations we have uncovered. Judge for yourself:

President Barack Obama buys his cigarettes over the internet from an Indian reservation in Oklahoma, avoiding local and federal taxes.

Incoming Speaker of the House John Boehner’s orange skin is the result of a DNA experiment gone terribly wrong. He was aiming for Grinch green. And the actual pronunciation of his name really is “boner,” just like his college classmates called him.

The banking/investment giant, Goldman Sachs, has made an aggressive bid to acquire the U.S. Treasury, or at least that portion of it not already in its possession.

It turns out that the TV program, “The X-Files” was in fact a documentary made from U.S. Government archives about actual cases and real people.

The President of China, Hu Jintao, has a Twitter account under the name “Candypants from Malibu” with a million and a half followers.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had her husband fitted with a sophisticated electronic GPS bracelet disguised as a wristwatch to monitor his movements, but after only a week or so, former President Bill Clinton short-circuited it in a bubble bath with several interns at a Holiday Inn in Idaho.

The owner of Fox News, Rupert Murdoch, circulated an internal memo banning his on-air employees from using the term “creepy old douchebag.”

The late Senator Ted Kennedy did not die of brain cancer as was widely reported, but instead succumbed to rickets.

Former Alaska Governor turned Cheerleader-in-Chief for the Tea Party, Sarah Palin, has said that if she is elected President in 2012, she will straighten out this county in 2 years, then resign to pursue her true passion; taxidermy. So far none of her aides has had the heart to tell her that this is not exactly what most people have in mind when the conversation turns to preserving endangered species.

Bull O’Really, Cable TV blowhard, prevailed over Headrush Limberger in a nude wrestling match in early 2010 to determine who will be the leader of the neo-con movement and, flush with victory, has challenged the #1 contender, Glen Bucks, to a cage match for the undisputed Flabbyweight title.

Muammar Khadaffy of Libya, accused of keeping company with a Ukranian prostitute, has vehemently denied the charge, claiming his Ukranian “nurse” is simply his fashion designer and Executive Wardrobe Consultant.

With Ted Kennedy gone, Keith Olberman of MSNBC has contacted the Guinness Book of World Records to claim the “Largest Human Head” title. Lawyers for Barry Bonds are disputing Olberman’s claim.

In what could prove to be a devastating blow tho the fashion industry, it has been revealed that industry-leading women’s fashion designer Tommy Stinkfinger is actually heterosexual, an unprecedented development in the world of Big Fashion. Faced with evidence of an actual wife and several children, look for Mr. Stinkfinger to hold a press conference in the near future announcing that he is out of the closet.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City has declined to run for President in 2012, citing “unfinished business.” Wickedleak has discovered the real reason, a little known Constitutional “height requirement” for presidents. Unfortunately for Mr. Bloomberg (who is actually in HO Scale), he can neither be president, nor can he ride the Cyclone roller coaster in Coney island.

Another vertically-challenged American politician, the diminutive Senator Joe Biden, uses old copies of the Constitution to stand on when speaking in public, not so much to make himself taller but simply to show his complete and utter contempt for that document.

Glen Beck is not a real person but a creation of TV screenwriter David Mills of “NYPD” fame, who calls him “my best character since Andy Sipowitz.” He is played on TV by the Chicago-based, former infomercial actor, Lance Boyle.

When he was America’s Dictator for 8 years, Dick Cheney was awarded his weight in gold Krugerrands every month, which he then had melted down and shaped into various everyday items by skilled craftsmen, things like tea cups, a chess set, a comb, eyeglasses, a set of golf clubs and the shotgun he used to shoot his friend in the face just to see what it felt like.

President Obama has nominated his daughter Malia for Undersecretary of Education, citing the need for someone with “direct experience” with the nation’s education system, or as he puts it; “who better than a schoolgirl?”

That is all for now, readers. If the powers-that-be do not shut down bobcrespo.com, you can look forward to even more startling revelations from wickedleak.net. This is Tallyrand D’Antoine signing off for now and moving to a new undisclosed location. The truth is out there…

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