Christmas is over and you know what that means; It’s Prediction Time! Once again, bobcrespo.com is on the cutting edge of sure-fire predictions guaranteed to come true. How do we do it, you ask? Simple, we don’t bother looking into the future, that’s for cranks and gullible fools. We go right for the jugular, folks, and give you predictions for the past year! In 50 years, who’s going to have the better record for predicting events, the visionary crackpots or bobcrespo.com? Move over, Nostradamus, and we’re not giving it to you in riddles like he did, either, we’re naming names and spelling them right! Aron Hister, my ass! These things will really happen! Here goes:
Charlie Sheen will get into hooker, drugs and booze trouble for the umpteenth time, resulting in no consequences for his freedom and lucrative acting career.
Lindsay Lohan will act just like Charlie Sheen, resulting in much negative publicity, jail time, forced rehab and a stalled career. Can you say “Double Standard,” boys and girls?
Continuing its rich tradition of giving the job of Speaker of The House to their most useless and absurd member, The U.S. House of Representatives will reward Representative John Boehner with the Speakership of the upcoming 112th Congress for buffoonery above and beyond the call of duty.
President Obama will finally get the hang of getting his policies ratified by Congress at the end of the year, after it dawned on him that all he had to do to win Republican votes was to bribe the greedy sons-of-bitches.
The San Francisco Giants will win the World Series behind the pitching of starter TIm Lincecum and closer Brian Wilson, the longest shot and most unheralded team to do so in years.
An oddball semi-albino from Australia, the enigmatic Julian Assange, will attempt to shake up the world by releasing hundreds of thousands of classified documents on his website, Wikileaks.com. War crimes, gross stupidity, pettiness and greed on the part of world governments, multinational corporations, Big Religion and Big Media are spread over the internet for all to see, and the world will react with a collective “Ho-hum.”
Iran and North Korea will edge closer to building their own nuclear weapons, and generally annoy the crap out of the rest of the world for no apparent reason. Their respective leaders, Mahmoud Ahmadinijad and Kim Jong Il, take turns vying for the coveted Most Annoying Little Prick on Earth Award.
Sarah Palin, out to wrest the Fox News Award for Stupidest Public Figure from Glen Beck, will pick a fight with Michelle Obama for having the gall to encourage American children to eat healthier food. The First Lady won’t seem to notice and will continued her despicable leftist campaign to promote nutrition, education, personal responsibility and excellence among America’s youth. Ms. Palin will rally the fat, ignorant, underachieving demographic for support in this matter.
Not to be outdone in the Public Stupidity Department, Glen Beck organizes a rally designed to “rededicate America to God,” in spite of the fact that this is illegal. Claiming a spiritual kinship to the late Martin Luther King, his “rally” will draw about 20,000 lunatics, racists, gun nuts and Christian Fascists, accompanied by 80,000 reporters.
British Petroleum will attempt to create the biggest petroleum reserve on earth by displacing all the water in the Gulf of Mexico with crude oil. Those living along the southern coast of the United States will strongly object and the plan is scrapped.
The President, Congress and the Federal regulatory agencies will forget to prosecute the vast majority of criminals in the financial industries or to implement new rules to prevent them from continuing the fraudulent practices and outright theft that blew up the entire world economy in 2008. These titans of high finance will show their gratitude by implementing a new round of predatory practices while helping themselves to hundreds of millions of dollars of other people’s money in the form of bonuses. Asked about this glaring omission, President Obama simply said; “Slipped my mind. My bad!”
The two wars in Afghanistan and Iraq will drag on, marked by insurgencies, suicide bombings, government corruption and gross incompetence, and the complete absence of capturing Osama bin Laden, the only reason for both wars in the first place. The Army tired of that game of Where’s Waldo years ago in favor of a strategy of having our soldiers walk around with machine guns or ride in trucks waiting for the next suicide bomber or ragtag group of insurgents to strike, while simultaneously bribing local warlords with millions in shrink-wrapped bundles of cash not to suicide bomb or ambush our soldiers. President Obama will like this idea so much that he will send in 30,000 more American troops and billions more in bribe money, and that will be so much fun he will consider expanding the war into Pakistan.
The Tea Party, originally created and controlled by Republicans to do the dirty work of spreading fear and disinformation, will turn the tables on the GOP by taking it over completely and purging its ranks of anyone with either brains or integrity. With their new-found influence, the Tea Partiers will begin a campaign to convince dumb guys that the South really won the Civil War, America’s State Religion used to be Baptist until it was changed to Islam by our Kenyan President, and that poor people are conspiring to claim squatter’s rights to a half-million foreclosed homes.
There will be a devastating earthquake in Haiti that will nearly destroy the capital city of Port Au Prince, and after an overwhelming influx of international aid, Haiti will be left to rot and die while our computer-shortened attention spans move on the the next shiny object.
Big media will create a firestorm when it attempts to goose ratings during a slow news cycle by objecting to the location of a mosque in Manhattan that had been under construction for over a year, claiming it is too close to where the World Trade Center used to be. A few judiously-placed hate slogans will be all it takes to get the squeakiest wheels in the Tea Party to revive their Brown Shirts sidewalk act and take it on the road. From that point on the stores will write themselves and the advertising revenue will roll in for coverage of the “Ground Zero Mosque,” as it will come to be called.
There will be 41 miners rescued from a collapsed coal mine in Chile after being buried a mile underground for 69 days. Upon emerging from what they thought we would be their tomb on October 13, the first question all of them will ask their rescuers will be: “You people knew about these rescue pods before the collapse?”
The Supreme Court will finally make it official that multinational corporations now have their own special designation; U.S. Megacitizen, and as such are freely allowed to buy election results. When asked for a clarification of this ruling, Chief Justice John Roberts will explain: “In America, the law treats all people as equals. Megacitizens are like people, only more equal.”
Dubai will complete their mile-high tower, The Burg Dubai, just as the last of the Eurotrash skip out on their opulent condos in the middle of the night, sticking Dubai with the tab for 5 years worth of their credit-fueled decadence. Heads will roll at the palace.
The Winter Olympics will be held in the nation that invented winter, Canada. Few will notice.
Emulating Ancient China, the State if Arizona will erect a wall along the Mexican border. It won’t work any better at keeping out immigrants than the Great Wall did, but canny Arizona investors figure it will pay off in big tourist dollars in about a thousand years.
More that 20 million people will die a slow horrible death in 2010. No emergency will be declared, no headlines generated and very little help will be provided for the victims of starvation, 85% of them children under 5.