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DOPOTO REPORTS: SCIENCE CONFIRMS THE OBVIOUS – TEENAGERS MAKE LOUSY DECISIONS

The Department Of Pointing Out the Obvious (DOPOTO) welcomes human behavioral scientists into the fold. In a study of adolescent brains, it has been discovered that human teenagers’ brains are not fully developed, thus impairing their judgement. For which the Department is tempted to nominate these brainiacs for our coveted Golden “Duh!” Award.

While scientists are generally asked to tell us things we don’t know, sometimes it’s rewarding for the average Jane and Joe to get Official Scientific Confirmation of their findings based on exhaustive field studies of their own brain-dead teenagers.

Many experts feel that the research is incomplete, ignoring the almost universal loss of IQ points during “the regressive years” from 13 to 19. Close observation supports the assertion that teenagers’ brains actually shrink noticeably after puberty, robbing them of skills for which they were highly praised in kindergarten, things like “pays attention,” “plays well with others” and “has good communication skills.”

Children who had formerly mastered an extensive vocabulary and exhibited good manners and judgment suddenly act as if they have been lobotomized. Apathetic grunts replace conversation, sullen glares decorate formerly smiling faces, little bundles of energy become drowsy idlers, and an almost autistic emotional isolation from their families develops in almost every case.

Researchers and Senior Analysts here at The Department have been studying teenagers for many years and our findings overwhelmingly support the “shrinking brain” theory of human adolescence. The evidence is staring us in the face. Literally.

Can teenagers be explained any better than the fact that not one in a hundred of them ever needs more than the 140-character limit of Twitter messages to express what’s on their minds? To their shrunken brains, 140 characters is a novel, more than 4 consecutive syllables a soliloquy, and excelling at some dumbass video game is considered high achievement.

Unpleasant intrusions like school and other people are barely tolerated. Groans, sighs and gestures, often accompanied by dramatic eye rolling and aggressive posturing, is their main form of communication. In other words, pretty much the intellectual and social equals of Lowland Gorillas.

Many analysts here at DOPOTO are convinced that this is a genetic response designed to “thin the herd” of the unfit, so that those specimens who survive all the binge drinking, riding on the hood of speeding vehicles, multiple body piercing and tattoos, and the powerful impulse of normal human beings to strangle them, and only those get to reach adulthood and reproduce, at which point their brains begin to function properly once again.

The field studies are in, the evidence irrefutable; teenagers are annoying and make dumb decisions. The Department challenges Science to explain why.

This has been a report from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious.

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