Well, it’s Summertime and you know what that means, right? Yeah, sure barbecues, beaches and laying around getting brown, to be certain, but we also get treated to the latest brainstorms from the good people in TV Land, new shows designed to entertain us and sell us many consumer goods. Our reaction to these pilots and previews will decide what’s on the programming schedule this Fall. So, as a public service, bobcrespo.com has gotten hold of some clips and episodes from these TV hopefuls to let you know what we’re in for. Let’s check them out:
Six Blabbermouths Talking at Once: New from CBS, the producers figure they’ll go “The View” one or two better with this lunchtime talk show featuring both men and women discussing anything that pops into their heads. In an interesting (maybe) twist, there will be no moderator and the show’s panelists will spend the whole hour interrupting one another and getting loud, vicious and angry.
Real Lunkheads of Brooklyn: Forget that New Jersey moron with his “The Situation” 6-pack abs. Brooklyn-born producer Joe Blow of TNT has found a whole bunch of people even dopier than him, and with tip of the cap to The Jerry Springer Show, prone to sudden violence. We get to meet “Sticks” Fallon, Tony “Tech-9” Tumello, Lamar “Ice Pick” Johnson, Angel “Of Death” Guittierez and Ivan “The Terrible” Rostov, 5 small time hoods leading violent and stupid ethnic gangs as they battle each other over drug corners and control of prostitution, protection and gambling rackets, all while trying to avoid getting whacked by the more competent and established criminal gangs. The idea is to see if any of them or their henchmen survive the entire season.
Law & Order, Parking Violations Bureau (PVB): Now that the flagship series of the L&O franchise has been cancelled, the producers have come up with another sure-fire winner. In Law & Order, PVB, you’ll see PVB officers writing summons after summons on the streets of New York, with the occasional car tow-away for hardened scofflaws. This tense drama stars Andy Dick as the PVB field supervisor, Loretta Swit as the no-nonsense Motor Vehicles Department Judge, The Fat Guy from “KIng of Queens” as a tow truck driver and Megan Fox as the hot babe who always pushes the envelope when it comes to summons-issuing.
The Everything Sucks And I’m Surrounded By Traitors Show: This new political commentary show from Fox News will be hosted by talented newcomer Brandon “Iron” Birch, a commentator that Fox producers assure us is even more smug and ignorant than Bull O’Really, louder and less coherent that Glen Bucks and more filled with hate that Flush Limburger. Fox promises Mr. Birch will continue their “fair and balanced” (wink, wink) approach.
The Old Gay Guy, A Baby, A Ho, A Drunk And A Dwarf: This new situation comedy from ABC figures to out-Will & Grace “Will & Grace,” and also”Two and A Half Men,” “Big World, Little People” and the new show on USA network, “Real Crack Hos of The Bronx.” The deal is that an old chicken hawk gay dude who lets handsome young men (and the hot women that attract them!) hang around his large, beautifully appointed Manhattan apartment in the hopes of any kind of action, has suddenly found himself with full custody of his jailed lover’s baby girl. Starring David Hasselhoff as the old gay dude, he enlists the help of aging prostitute Tiffany Lamp (Sarah Palin), a young alcoholic slacker (Ashton Kutcher) as the object of both the wrinkly old dude’s and the pathetic hooker’s affections, and an irritable dwarf dog trainer named Stretch (Danny DeVito). Fun for the whole family! Tuesdays at 9.
HMO: Medical Battleground! This gripping new medical drama takes place not inside any emergency room, clinic or hospital ward, but at the real front lines of providing medical care in America; inside the offices of Megahealth, Very Ltd., a huge health insurance corporation. Hold on to your seats as dedicated clerks and middle managers fend off deadbeats and charlatans seeking expensive medical treatments for pre-existing conditions and wasteful surgery for doomed children, and question the need for disposing of expensive latex gloves after every examination. Starring Corben Berenson as Vic Taney, Denials Manager, with Robert Vaughn as Billionaire CEO Martin Cheswick and Katey Sagal as their arch-nemesis Sneaky Sally, a box-store employee with a Mickey Mouse health insurance plan who keeps trying to get Megahealth Very Ltd. to foot the bill for dialysis treatments for her sullen, tantrum-prone daughter, played by one of the Olsen Twins, the producers are really not sure which one, but she looks appropriately sickly.
Celebrity Maury Povich Show: Identical to the regular Maury Povich Show, only this time the loose women are accusing famous men of being the father of their child. First episode: “Hold That Tiger!”
Judge Judy – Terror Court: This one is actually produced by the United States Government and taped on location at Guantanamo Prison in Cuba. Defendants are volunteers from the inmate population who are looking to end their incarceration one way or another and agree to abide by Judge Judy’s decisions. The twist is that Judge Judy gets to hand out whatever punishment she feels like. Imagine the terrorists’ surprise when she sentences them to being one of 72 “virgins” in Leavenworth Prison with “Property of The Aryan Nation” tattooed on their foreheads and buttocks.