Well, folks, it’s almost here, our most widely anticipated season, Summer. We whip out the light clothing and bathing suits, get the barbecue ready for action, we MAKE PLANS. This is going to be the best, most active and adventurous summer ever! We’ll go here, do that, see this and get the T-Shirt to prove it! It’s Summertime and all things are possible!

Then the actual Summer hits and it’s blazing hot. Suddenly you’re not feeling so ambitious. Moving around is a chore, your skin is on fire and your get-up-and-go got up and went. And so you go about the true business of Summer; fucking off. All those projects you were going to tackle? Your tools ain’t going anywhere and those jobs will keep.

That hiking trip into the mountains? It’s a thousand degrees in the shade, what were you thinking? The reclining lawn chair in the backyard is looking better and better, while that road trip to the Gulf Coast fades from memory.

The local beach is about as far and wide as you want to range, and then only to lay on the sand like a beached walrus in between leaps into the ocean to cool off, absently hoping that the kids recall all your dire warnings about drowning and don’t do anything too stupid that would require physical exertion on your part to save their hyperactive little asses. That’s what Life Guards are for, right?

In the evening you set fire to various kinds of processed meat and call it dinner, then sit around swapping lies and sipping something strong and refreshing to gather your strength to face tomorrow’s inferno. You might look into obtaining some books to read, the light summer variety written in a strict formula that requires very little mental effort on your part, a Clancy or a Steele or one of those other do-all-the-work-for-you authors.

Then there’s the movies, not so much to catch up on the latest teenage vampire soap opera or rock-em-sock-em explosion crapola, but to just sit there nursing some horrid frozen slurpy concoction in the frosty air conditioning, lowering your body temperature back down to survivable. With a little practice one masters the art of killing a whole day sneaking from one theater to the next in today’s multiplex theaters without having to pay 15 bucks for each of these cinematic stinkers.

Night time is the only time for semi-normal activity in the Summertime. Once the sun goes down, energy returns. If one is lucky enough to be in New York City, Coney Island at night is one of the Wonders of The World during Summer, with thrilling rides, hot dogs, cold beer, cotton candy, the world’s most famous boardwalk, frequent fireworks displays and as fascinating an international cast of characters as can be found anywhere. Coney Island means having a ball while not doing much of anything.

Then there’s the time honored Summer tradition of wandering about aimlessly at night through the streets and parks, maybe checking out the free outdoor concerts or street performers, then stopping in at a night spot for some refreshments, camaraderie and frosty air conditioning. No need to rush about willy-nilly. A slow stroll is about as swift a pace as is necessary. It’s Summer. Forget your PLANS and grand schemes, that’s just not happening. The best answer for “What did I do on my Summer vacation” remains “Not much, not much at all. I basically fucked off the whole time.” Season’s Greetings.

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