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NEW RULES FOR MODERN GENTLEMEN, REVISED

In recognition of the 21st Century, somehow even faster-paced than the very hectic 20th Century, Bobcrespo.com has been committed to bringing our readers the latest developments in rules for proper comportment. Why focus on nonsense like this when there are so many pressing concerns in this world? For the best of reasons. In the face of profound and continuing changes in human life these past two decades, a volatile political climate seemingy always on the brink of some new war somewhere, and some very discouraging global realities, humanity is hard pressed to even know how to react to this Brave New World. Our code of ethical behavior is what gets us through the unknown, the challenging and the difficult. The one constant we have, our Gibraltar in a rolling sea of change, is ourselves. It is our humanity that defines us, not our gadgets. Here are the latest updates on Rules For Modern Gentlemen:

A gentlemen doesn’t kiss and Twitter.

When carrying one’s automatic rifle in a protest rally, a gentleman keeps the safety on at all times.

If a gentleman is a devil worshipper or someone who prefers women’s undergarments, he keeps those tidbits to himself in mixed company.

When conducting a computer scam, a gentleman never taunts his victims with nasty e-mails after he has stolen their life savings.

A gentleman never stiffs the bartender or his defense attorney.

Under no circumstances does a gentleman carry a man purse.

When summoned before Congress to explain where $20 billion of his stockholders’ money went, a gentleman chooses not to wear his his diamond-encrusted platinum necktie that day.

When speaking to someone from Canada, a gentleman doesn’t mention that he hasn’t thought about Canada in a very long time.

A gentleman doesn’t use emoticons when breaking up with a lady by e-mail.

When taking over one’s government in a military coup, a gentleman chooses a uniform that won’t remind anyone of their favorite comic opera.

A gentleman submits to a blood test to either prove or disprove paternity without forcing a lady to call in Maury Povich.

Similarly, if a lady invites a gentleman to appear on The Jerry Springer Show with her, he is to expect bad news and receives it with as much equanimity as is possible when the lady introduces him to her new gentleman with more tattoos than teeth and a mullet hairdo.

A gentleman never leaves his DNA at a crime scene.

When a gentleman is removed from public office in disgrace, he waits at least 6 months before getting a show on the Fox network.

When one has a show on Fox, a gentleman does not pretend to be a journalist.

A gentleman never submits sex videos with his special lady on YouTube.

A gentleman’s FaceBook page never features photos of his collection of Nazi memorabilia.

When a gentleman is stalking a celebrity, he is circumspect and tasteful.

When captured by the authorities, a gentleman stalker does not sell his story to the first tabloid that makes an offer, but hires a reputable agent to maximize his earning potential.

In politics, a gentleman does not encourage hatred and violence to win votes. He leaves that bit of nasty business to his assistants.

When on trial for war crimes in The Hague, a gentleman never employs the “mass suicide defense” to explain away 35,000 corpses in a mass grave. Instead, he calmly blames his accusers.

When interviewing prospective interns, a gentleman always uses a condom.

A gentleman insists that interns sign a strict non-disclosure contract.

In the event that an intern graduates to trophy wife, a gentleman doesn’t introduce her to his children and their “new Mommy.”

A gentleman does not engage in anonymous chat room sex using the name “Candy Pants from Malibu.”

A gentleman is always aware of which offenses require a bouquet of flowers and which require the gift of jewelry for his lady.

A gentleman always takes the wet spot.

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