Hello readers. I don’t know if the phony religious trend in this country is growing or if it just seems that way since a lot of these clowns are such damned loudmouths, or if they just like to write to me because I write about sex a lot, that part of the human makeup only slightly less powerful than our drive to breathe and eat. Whatever the case, these people are really starting to get on old Dot’s nerves. Not a damned one of them would be here without sex. Not a damned one of them thinks about sex any less the the rest of us. Don’t get me wrong, people, I respect religion and know very well how it can bring comfort and purpose to many lives, and act as a powerful force for bringing out all that is good and decent in people.
At least that’s the idea. Unfortunately, religions of all kinds seem to have been hijacked by evil creeps with big mouths and small brains looking to get other people to join them in their campaigns of intolerance, pretty much the opposite of the mission statement of what religions are supposed to be about. Take the message of Jesus Christ, for example, the Prince of Peace with a simple message of love, respect, and kindness towards all people. All I can say is that it’s a it’s a good thing He rose from the dead or He would have spent the past 2,000 years rolling in His grave. Check out some of these jokers:
Dear Dot Kahm: I have been following your column and I find your casual attitude towards sex appalling. America is obsessed with sex and you aren’t helping! This is wrong and God is not amused! What do have to you say to that? – Myrna from Michigan
Dear Myrna: I say it’s too bad your parents didn’t share your aversion to one of humanity’s most powerful drives. This way I wouldn’t have to be talking to you now and there would be one less annoying misfit in this world. And while God might not be amused, you have to figure He’s wondering how good something has to be if even one of the most wonderful things He gave us is considered not good enough for the likes of you. What more do you want, Myrna, that your pussy should sing Hosannas when you’re getting busy?
Dear Dot Kahm: I am a prostitute, Dot, and don’t care who knows it. I like my work but I’m a little sick and tired of people judging me. I have a commodity that is much in demand, and I sell my services to clients who are happy to pay. I work as hard as anyone and earn an honest living, and a pretty damned good one, too. Why should I risk arrest pursuing the world’s oldest profession? – Kandy Kane
Dear Kandy Kane: You’re preaching to the choir, here, kiddo. Doing what comes naturally is no crime, and this country needs to grow up about sex. What are we, infants? Why people think sex is a sin is a mystery to me. Might as well outlaw eating and breathing for all the good it will do. People need sex and many men are willing to pay for it. Do the math.
Dear Dot Kahm: My name is Roger and I’m a forty five-year old bachelor who enjoys great sex and doesn’t mind paying for it. Can I get Kandy Kane’s number? – Roger Framunda
Dear Roger Framunda: No can do. I don’t give out people’s numbers without permission. Can I pass yours along to her?
Dear Dot Kahm: No, don’t do that! – Roger Framunda
Dear Roger: Why didn’t you just say you were married, Rog? Married men are working girls’ best customers! Sorry, but I still can’t hook you up. This is not eHorny.com, it’s Dot Kahm. You’ll have to do your own sniffing out, Dawg.
Dear Dot Kahm: I am the father of 3 beautiful daughters ages 15 to 19. There is a constant stream of young boys coming to our house and I don’t like it. I know what boys are after, just the one thing. I was their age once, so I know. What should I tell my girls? Big Daddy
Dear Big Daddy: If you or their mother haven’t spoken frankly to your daughters about boys and sex and birth control by this time, you should be ashamed of yourselves! Well, Big Daddy, I was once their age too, and guess what? Girls have one thing on their minds too! They are just as curious and eager to explore their burgeoning sexuality as boys, and need their parents to guide and advise them. They are going to learn about and experience sex with or without your input, pal, so if I were you I’d sit them down ASAP and tell them about birth control, personal hygiene and personal responsibility and hope you’re not too late to teach them that sex is a normal, healthy and vital part of life, and when properly shared is an elevation, never a degradation, of their femininity, humanity and desirability. By age 15 a girl has a pretty god idea of what sex is all about, and I hope their ideas were formed with the input of their parents. Be a Big Daddy already and talk to your girls. They’re not doing anything wrong by being beautiful and desirable, but you’re doing something wrong by not addressing this most basic of life issues. With your guidance, their sex lives (and you cannot prevent them from having one, so forget that) will be healthy and rewarding rather than traumatic and tawdry.
Dear Dot Kahm: I have small children and I’m considering what to tell them about sex when the time comes. What do you think of the celibacy option? – Dora the non-Explorer
Dear Dora The Non-Explorer: For who? Maybe for people in a coma, but for everyone else, celibacy just isn’t happening. All those half-wit phony Christians out there pushing abstinence on their children are kidding themselves, and statistics show that their kids are getting just as busy with one another as anyone else’s. The only difference is that their kids wind up sneaking around, feeling guilty and wicked for doing what comes naturally. Celibacy, my left tit! Check out my reply above to Big Daddy. The time to tell them about sex is sooner than you think.
Dear Dot Kahm: My boyfriend says he loves me but would like me to have bigger breasts. Should I get implants to please him? – Little Nell
Dear Little Nell: Your boyfriend is a lying sack of shit and you need to dump his sorry ass now. Have you asked him to have surgery? Odds are this guy will never be pleased with you, so don’t go the Bride of Frankenstein route just because he’s a jerk. That train only leads to plastic surgery, further feelings of inadequacy, more plastic surgery and finally a stretched, expressionless face and health complications. There’s plenty of guys who love cute little titties, Nell, and who will love you just as you are.
Dear Dot Kahm: What is the most important thing about a lover? – Randy
Dear Randy: Generosity. Lovers come in all shapes and sizes, but someone who remembers that you’re in the room too and goes out of his or her way to give as well as receive pleasure is what makes a great lover.
Well, kids, Dot Kahm singing off for now. Until next time, be good, kind and generous to your lover, and have a little fun too. Sex is how grownups play.