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SAMMY SCIENCE IN THE HOUSE!

Editors’ note: In our never-ending quest to bring the readers of bobcrespo.com a broad array of topics to enjoy, we proudly introduce Sammy Science, a man who explains complex scientific subjects in easy-to-understand laymen’s terms. In our increasingly technology and science-dependant modern world, let Sammy Science walk you through the perplexing array of science and technology. He will answer your questions, so feel free to send them in. Meet Sammy Science:

Greetings, interneteers! This is Sammy Science, PhD, here to answer your questions about science and technology. I am a Doctor of Biochemistry with a minor in Astrophysics, and studied at both Stanford University and Harvard. These days there’s a lot of new technology and scientific breakthroughs coming our way at dizzying speed, so this is a good forum to clear the air about many misunderstandings and to shed some light on what’s new and exciting. Let’s get right to it, shall we?

Dear Sammy Science: What’s the real deal with global warming? I’ve lived in Virginia all my life and I don’t remember so much damned snow and such cold winters! What’s the story? – Buried Alive in The Whites

Dear Buried Alive: The truth is, that we really don’t know anymore! It sure looked that way for a while, but now? Your guess is as good as mine.

Dear Sammy Science: I am a freshman in high school and I’m interested in a career in science. Which branch of science will offer me the best opportunity to make a difference in 10 years? – Jimmy The Geek

Dear Jimmy The Geek: In 10 years’ time robotics and genetics will be hot. Human replicas programmed for sex will be quite popular, and for a guy named Jimmy The Geek, probably your best shot at get laid on a regular basis. Someone’s got to field test the things! The field of genetics will also be booming, with scientists raking in big bucks to provide cloned organs for rich old coots who want to live forever. And Jimmy, a difference in what?

Dear Sammy Science: Is wind power feasible? – Joe Bagadonitz

Dear Joe Bagadonitz: Ask the Dutch, meathead! They’ve had windmills there for like, forever.

Dear Sammy Science: What do you think of the exciting reports that some dinosaurs had brightly colored feathers? – Eileen Ova

Dear Eileen Ova: Not much.

Dear Sammy Science: Is it true that elephants never forget? – Jim Dundee

Dear Jim Dundee: Yeah, sure, Jim, if that’s what you want to believe, fine. It sure makes no difference at all in the grand scheme of things, so why not? Elephants never forget.

Dear Sammy Science: As an eminent scientist, I think it is your duty to speak out against using animals in laboratory experiments. What do you have to say to that? – Ophelia Kidney

Dear Ophelia Kidney: No. Unless of course, you are volunteering to take their place, Ophelia. I’ve been working on a neurotoxin to attack only cancer cells in the human body and leave healthy cells unaffected, but it needs to be tested further. So far I’ve used it only on pigs, who are anatomically the most similar mammal to humans, and while it has worked against the cancer cells, the dosage needs to be adjusted because the pigs keep getting paralyzed on the left side. You game? Just like pigs, I will treat you as humanely as possible, since no scientist is intentionally cruel to animals. You could help save human lives if you let me test my dosage levels on you. If not, please shut the fuck up about lab animals and let scientists save human lives.

Dear Sammy Science: I have a theory about black holes. I say that they are formed by beings from a parallel universe trying to get our attention. What do you think? – Marion Merriwether

Dear Marion: You’ve got a black hole of you own where the sun don’t shine where you can stick that theory, Marion.

Dear Sammy Science: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? – Aldo Raimee

Dear Aldo Raimee: Good news, Aldo! About enough to make you a second wooden head. Then maybe you can think up a real science question.

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