Greetings, interneteers, science lovers and the curious. Curiosity is the root of all science, by the way. While much of science has to do with invention and innovation, it’s origins were attempts by man to explain the natural phenomena that surround us every minute of every day. Observation led early man to realize that clouds held water, and that it could be delivered by gravity in the form of rain, sleet or snow. We looked at the stars and discerned a repeating pattern, and thereby learned to navigate the land and the sea by them. We experimented with fire (often with disastrous results) and learned to cook our food, heat our homes and power our engines. And so it goes throughout history, curiosity triggering observation and experimentation, and the provable results are what is left over, and we call these hard-learned facts science. Lets see what is piquing your interest today:

Dear Sammy Science: Will biofuels replace petroleum? – Akbar The Nervous

Dear Akbar The Nervous: While biofuels are promising and quite feasible, they may create as many problems as they solve. They will be every bit as expensive per gallon to produce, and as dirty a fuel as petroleum, and may cause even worse worldwide hunger than the planet currently experiences as farmers turn from producing food crops to more profitable fuel crops. This will in turn trigger the cutting down of even more of our vital rain forests, the planet’s lungs, so to speak, to replace the lost food production, triggering a climatic and ecological disaster. In this scientist’s opinion, greater fuel efficiency is the key to replacing or reducing our dependence on petroleum. To blandly think that because a fuel is possible to produce and is endlessly renewable it will solve our pollution and energy problems is naive. For the time being, Akbar, your little oil-producing tyranny will be still be excused for your barbaric behavior until greater fuel efficiency puts you out of business. That could take decades to happen or as little as one year, so it might be a good idea for your little sandbox satrapy to start investing in education and other industries so you don’t have to go back to being camel riding nomads wandering the barren wastes when one of my colleagues cries “Eureka!”

Dear Sammy Science: My Mom and Dad say that what I am being taught in science class is all wrong and that the earth is only 6,000 years old and that there is no such thing as evolution. I love science. Can they be right about this? – Billy Datt

Dear Billy Datt: I hate to be the one to break it to you, son, but your parents are backwards assholes. Do they at least believe in the theory of gravity? They can test that one quite easily on the tallest building in town. Just kidding, Billy. I’m sure your parents love you, but just not enough to let you learn the truth. I can show them evolution right in my laboratory as viruses mutate and evolve before our eyes to resist vaccines. Ask them if their preacher can explain that one away, kiddo. Do yourself a favor and just humor them, but study hard and learn your science. Your teachers are telling you the truth. Let’s let that be our little secret, Billy, since there’s no way you’ll ever convince Creationists to pull their heads out of their butts.

Dear Sammy Science: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it fall, does it still make a sound? – Al Dontay

Dear Al Dontay: Well, by your own admission, no one is there in the forest, so how the hell do you know a tree fell? And yes, of course it makes a sound, you boob! The laws of physics do no change when we have our backs turned. When a person is deaf or blind, does that mean that sound and light do not exist for them simply because they cannot perceive them? Your farts still stink when you’re asleep and can’t smell them, right? At least that’s that’s your wife tells me. And oh, by the way, she hates you.

Dear Sammy Science: Does Iran sending worms, a turtle and a mouse into space really mean that they can defeat us with their advanced technology like their president said? Shouldn’t we just attack them now?-  Bull O’Really

Dear Bull O’Really: I may have studied science, but I recall taking all the required history courses in school too and if memory serves, America and Russia sent dogs and monkeys into space 50 years ago and the space shuttles and orbiting space stations have been host to all manner of animals and smaller organisms for decades now. As far as the lawn jockey that passes for the President of Iran, don’t forget that he answers to bearded old crackpots in wizard robes who think that suicide bombers go to heaven and get to screw 72 virgins. The better deal would be to encourage them to continue along their path. This way they remain a backward nation run by lunatics who pose no threat to anyone, and quite amusing to boot. How many world-class universities and high tech industries does Iran have?  Last anyone checked, approximately zero. If it wasn’t for their oil, few Westerners would be able to find the place on a map. The last time Iran mattered, it was called Persia, and then Alexander The Great conquered it. That was in 334 B.C. and it’s been downhill ever since. Let the little guy have his illusions, and leave the war making for when there is absolutely no other choice. People like you give humanity a bad name, Bull.

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