Hello humans, it’s me; Jimmy, The Blogging Dog. This guy Bob Crespo that runs this boy and pony show here at bobcrespo.com is really starting to get on my nerves. Here I am, the only dog in the world who can write English and use a computer, and all this guy wants me to write about is what I think of humans! I keep submitting pieces about what’s on my mind and he couldn’t care less if it’s not about a human. Well, screw him, I sell those writings to human scientists, at least they’re interested in my observations.
Well, I paw-printed a contract with bobcrespo.com, and that’s that, a dog is true to his word, so here I am checking out a bunch of news sites on the internet trying desperately to find something that catches my interest. Believe or not, my opposable thumb chauvinist friends, not every creature on this green globe is fascinated with humanity. You people are nuts! And I’m not talking monkey nuts or shrieking parrot nuts, they’re just harmless whack jobs, but murderous psychotic weirdo nuts.
Between the wars, the football mania, the murders, the arson, the torture, the genocide and American Idol, I don’t know what’s the worst thing about you people. And what the hell is hockey all about? That makes no sense at all, even by human standards! Listen, I may be called The Canine Einstein, but that doesn’t mean I’m smart enough to figure out humans. Hell, as far as I can tell, neither can humans! Half the trouble you get in to is from a lack of communication. The same people who are slaughtering one another when they are part of a military organization get along just fine when they meet one-on-one. And yet you kill one another without a second thought, members of the same species, without even knowing exactly why! How is that even possible?
I much prefer dogs, which always seems to come as a shock to humans, even though I am one. You don’t see dogs killing one another over stupid shit. Back in the day, before we became a slave population under the thumb of humans, dogs would fight and sometimes (but only rarely) kill other dogs, but only over vital hunting territories or mating rights, for self preservation and the chance to pass on one’s genes. No dog ever went into battle against rival dogs without knowing why they were doing so. We had no misunderstanding about our enemies, we knew exactly who they are, how they think and what they expect of out of life. Hell, they’re dogs and we’re dogs, so what’s the mystery? Are people so radically different from one another? That simply cannot be. You are all of one species, for crying out loud! Nature doesn’t work that way, it sort of makes every member of the same species quite similar.
Anyway, I’m supposed to be writing about something specific here, so let me get to the point, although that hockey stuff still gives me the creeps. What I want to mention is sending people to the moon, or rather, your president’s decision not to send anyone else there anytime soon. Why? From a dog’s point of view, that’s probably the greatest thing you people have ever accomplished! It’s the friggin’ Moon, dammit! In case you haven’t noticed, we canines have a thing for the Moon. Not just dogs, but wolves, dingoes, coyotes and foxes too, we all howl at the moon, sometimes for hours on end.
Why doesn’t your president send one off us up there? You say a dog is man’s best friend? Prove it! Send Jimmy, The Blogging Dog to the Moon. That would be Nirvana for a dog. Once I started reading up on this whole space program thing, I couldn’t help but notice how humans all of a sudden abandoned it after some really impressive early achievements. What, was it boring to you or something? Inexplicably, at least to me, you stopped reaching for the Moon and the stars and built a whole bunch of flying cargo trucks called Space Shuttles and spent the next 30 years filling Earth’s orbit with hardware. That’s not romantic or exciting at all!
And don’t forget, this internet, the computers, cell phones and all the other electronic gizmos you can’t get enough of were all made possible by scientific advances that were the direct result of the Space Race! Imagine what else you clever mammals can invent with a renewed push into space. So that’s one more reason to love the Moon, which, to a dog, is super important. It is important to you too, but you don’t seem to realize it. Well, people, do some math here. If the Moon can move earth’s oceans, what makes you think it has no effect on you? Like every other mammal on earth, you’re made mostly of water. How can you figure that the Moon’s pull doesn’t affect humans?
For all your brilliance, sometimes you people are awful dumb. I’m no scientist, but I have to figure that your senses are even duller than I originally thought. You can’t smell or hear worth a damn, and can’t sense earthquakes or storms beforehand like just about any other animal can. There’s so much I simply cannot explain to you because you lack the capacity to experience what is going on all around you every moment of every day, and seem to possess exactly no telepathy, a huge component of inter-species and extra-species communication. To have no empathy and telepathy is to be in a very real sense deaf and blind. Remember that the next time you talk about “dumb animals.”
Well, that’s all I have to say about the Space Program. I could go on and on about the Moon, but this very limiting form of communication that you call language doesn’t allow me to get into the sort of detail and emotion required. Dogs would understand. Hell, even a canary would. You don’t know what you’re missing and even The Canine Einstein isn’t smart enough to fill in the gaps. I am positive that at some point in human history you possessed these universal senses, otherwise you would never have survived, just like 99% of every species that ever lived. Extinction is more the norm than survival on this beautiful and terrible earth, and if you had species memory, that universal mental connection to the past and your ancestors that every animal possesses (you call it instinct), you would know that.
So there’s a price to be paid for your civilization and your dominance of the earth, and that is blindness, which is as close as a I can describe it to you sense-deprived creatures. Now that I think of it, that’s probably why you invented alcohol and drugs and the like, to try to simulate the sensations that you are missing by having lost touch with them, but that’s another a can of worms for another day. It’s not that I dislike people, there’s a lot of you I really love and admire, but all things being equal, I wouldn’t trade places with your king, or your president, or whatever the hell it is you’re calling your Alpha Male these days. Until next time, this is Jimmy, The Blogging Dog.