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DEAR DOT KAHM: SAVE YOUR CROCODILE TEARS!

Well readers, let’s see what maladjusted creeps have been e-mailing me this week with their unsolvable problems. It seems there’s no shortage of people out there who just don’t get it, whatever it is, and sad to say, even the best advice I can give some of these losers is going to fall on deaf ears. That’s life, folks, and all we can do is our best, so let’s open these e-mails and see if we can’t make a few dents in the walls of ignorance, fear and chaos that too often pass for a reasonable thought process:

Dear Dot Kahm: I am an investment banker with an internationally famous financial institution and I for one am sick and tired of having people blame me personally for the economic breakdown of 2008. I did my job to the best of my ability and was well rewarded for my efforts, which seems to aggravate  lot of people, especially those who lost some money during the crisis. What can I do to make people stop blaming their misfortune on me just because I’m wealthy and an easy target? – Misunderstood in Manhattan

Dear Misunderstood: Now you know how lawyers feel, pal. When people see an investment banker these days, they can’t help but think: “unindicted co-conspirator.” And while you were doing your job to “the best of your ability,” did it ever occur to you that playing high stakes poker with other people’s money isn’t what people expect of those they trusted with the cookie jar? What you can do to correct people’s opinion of you and your kind is to lead the charge to weed out the criminals from your ranks, and scale your salaries back to plain fantastic instead of unbelievably rapacious. Where does it say that working for a bank makes you an automatic multimillionaire? You people didn’t invent a damned thing and produce no products at all. You think that people “losing some money” was the whole story, you arrogant windbag? There’s families tossed out of their homes and living on the street, senior citizens eating cat food and one out of ten people out of work thanks to people who were already really rich deciding that they should get to keep all the money. To most people, you’re just a gangster in a suit, and if that bothers you, get a different job in a more honest profession, like a pimp or a stickup artist. At least those people don’t pretend to be something they’re not. Save your crocodile tears for someone who gives a crap!

Dear Dot Kahm: My mother says it’s wrong to download movies and songs from the internet without paying for them, that this is stealing. I tell her that I’m only doing what everyone else is doing. Why should I have to pay? Besides, film makers and singers are rich! – Grounded in Georgetown

Dear Grounded: Listen to your mother, you miserable little geek! Just because someone is rich doesn’t mean it’s okay to steal from them. If that were the case, why not steal some rich person’s wristwatch? They can afford another one, right? Car companies are rich, too, so why not drive a new car off the lot without paying for it? You tell me what’s the difference, other than risking arrest or a severe beating by stealing in person instead with the click of a mouse from the safety of your home. Better yet, invest your body and soul, dedicate your entire life to producing something creative and enjoyable, something that people like and admire, and see how eager you are to give it away for nothing! “What everyone else is doing” doesn’t cut it. Stealing is stealing, punk!

Dear Dot Kahm: What’s your take on the Mayan prediction that the world will end in 2012? – Worried in Waukeegan

Dear Worried: Seems to me that the world ended for the Mayans a long time ago, so why worry about what the hell they think? If they were so smart, how come they didn’t predict the Spaniards coming across the ocean and dancing the Flamenco on their civilization? That would have lent a little more credibility to their fortune telling, no?

Dear Dot Kahm: I am searching for the perfect man. Any tips? – Idealist in Idaho

Dear Idealist: I don’t have any tips, but don’t let me stop you in your search. I am assuming, of course, that you are the perfect woman, otherwise you have no business at all seeking the perfect man. Meanwhile, send Dot Kahm some of the more promising candidates that didn’t quite make the grade. There’s plenty of good men around, and if they have a few flaws, well, that’s fine with me, and that’s often what makes men so interesting. No one is perfect honey, but there just might be someone out there who’s perfect for you. Happy hunting.

Dear Dot Kahm: I have been following your columns, and it seems to me that you enjoy the company of men a little too much. I am a religious person and feel that your interest in sex is immoral. – Appalled in Arkansas

Dear Appalled: Religious, eh? What religion would that be that feels God made a mistake when he created men and women to be so powerfully attracted to one another? Guess you and your people know better than the manufacturer, and figure like a lot of misguided fools that the good things in life are “temptations” to be resisted. Why not include food, water and shelter in those categories? Or maybe condemn singing and dancing while you’re at it, like some phony jerkoffs do in the name of a God they imagine to be some sort of heartless prick who only wants to us to suffer. Well, this life includes plenty of suffering, and if you want more than you absolutely need to endure, help yourself, but don’t ask me not to stop and smell the roses that God created for our endless joy! Go pray for enlightenment, you sniveling prude, while I enjoy our Creator’s gift to all of us, our sexuality, as glorious a part of humanity as can be imagined! Religious, my left tit! You crap all over God when you go about correcting His “mistakes.” You should thank Him that your mother didn’t share your fear of sex or we wouldn’t be having this so-called conversation!

That’s all for this week, people. Until next time, enjoy this gift of life.

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