Bobcrespo.com is proud to present another regular contributor to this page that’s not really a page. Joining Bob Crespo, Dot Kahm and The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO) will be Jimmy The Blogging Dog, the first inter-species blog. It goes without saying that Jimmy The Blogging Dog is a special animal, a dog who has mastered the personal computer and astounded his owner and the world with his mastery of the English language. At least the written portion of it, since, being a dog, all he can do is bark. Turns out he’s a dog genius, and he got the nickname “The Canine Einstein” when he was still a pup. So imagine our delight when Jimmy The Blogging Dog joined our staff. Let’s take a dog’s eye view of things with the first inter-species blog ever as Jimmy The Blogging Dog introduces himself:
My name is Jimmy. Means squat to you, right? Yeah, there’s a million Jimmies around, which one are you, you’re thinking. But not a damned one of you bothers to sniff my ass and find out exactly which Jimmy I am, so let me clear that up for you: I am Jimmy, The Blogging Dog. But that’s a dog thing, sniffing, so let’s leave it at that. Well, let me just add that there are good manners, proper greetings and protocols in every species, and who’s to say what’s right? Okay, maybe I’m a little touchy about these things.
I’m just saying…
Anyway, people expect me to give them my view of the world. I tried that, but they didn’t understand. Then I realized that what they really wanted was my view of the world only as it has to do with humans. LIke they were the only creatures out there! How the hell am I supposed to know what people are thinking about? I’m a dog. I don’t even know what other dogs are thinking about, never mind another species. Anyway, I basically told them that I can only react to what people do, but I can’t read their minds. Some of these people were getting carried away with that Canine Einstein nonsense.
Let me put that nickname in perspective for you. Do the math here; even a “dog genius” isn’t a whole lot smarter than a stupid human. It’s not like I was ever solving Quantum Mechanics problems or anything. I only learned to communicate in your language, something all of you can do from a very young age, even the densest among you. And I can’t actually speak a word of English because dog mouths and vocal cords don’t do human languages. It’s only on a paw-friendly keyboard I can “speak” to you, and let me tell you, it’s a very limiting form of communication, no gestures, no smells, no shared mental images like there is among dogs. So, as far as interacting with humans, I am in a straitjacket, but in my own halting way, I get my ideas out.
I’m sort of like Steven Hawkings, but only as smart as, say… Carrot Top. Okay, sorry, scratch that. A lot smarter than Carrot Top, but maybe only as smart as a mid-level Baldwin brother. Pretty impressive. For a dog, that is, but don’t look at me like a new William Faulkner here. You want insights on humanity? Talk to a human, not Jimmy The Blogging Dog. All I’m saying is don’t expect anything from me but a dog’s opinion. By the way, dogs don’t know how to lie, we never really grasped that whole concept, so don’t look for any hidden meanings here. Don’t bite the messenger.
So, now that the intros are out of the way, it seems we don’t have much room for discussing the news of the day, which is okay by me since this is my first day on this new job and I have yet to get fully comfortable around here. There’s butts to be sniffed, territory to mark and finding out where is the food, the water and the exit. Most of my coworkers are pretty friendly (even if, as my customary greeting told me, they have bizarre diets), but as usual seem puzzled to have a dog as a colleague. What they never ask me is how weird it is for me to have every coworker from a different species. It’s always about them, even in a place progressive enough to hire a blogging dog.
The people who hired me here at bobcrespo.com also seem to be under the impression that this doesn’t freak me out sometimes, like it’s normal for a dog to communicate with people. What, one of you wouldn’t freak out from time to time if you were the only one of your race that could speak with space men? I’d sniff out that lie in a second. Literally. Of course it blows my mind sometimes! Dogs can spot deception instantly, which is why we’re amazed with some of the crap all of you seem to get away with.
Don’t forget that you people always drop your guard around your dogs, and you do and say anything in front of us, even saying and doing the direct opposite of what you said you would. Here’s a flash for you: there’s no such thing as dog-owner privilege, and what we see, we react to. Every dog pretty much knows that humans are lying sacks of shit, but also that they almost never lie to their dogs (and that’s mostly veterinarian related lies, understandable from a human’s point of view). The worst lie ever is the neutering lie. I am grateful that my former owners did not see fit to remove my own family jewels, and Jimmy The Blogging Dog is a fully functional canine, thank you very much.
I have had good luck with the bitches. That’s our term, by the way, and we don’t call them Hos, either. We also resent that when a human female is called a bitch, it’s usually not a good thing. Why is that? Bitches rock. To a male dog who’s still got his original equipment, bitches make the world go around, and a bitch in heat will stop us from whatever the heck else we were doing, every time. I’m the proud Papa of several healthy litters, all of who have had the misfortune of having to face Great Expectations, with both people and dogs hoping for another Canine Einstein. Not going to happen.
At least I hope not. Being a dog genius isn’t exactly a piece of cake. Dogs think you’re some sort of savior sent to lead them back to the wild, and humans think you represent an evolutionary leap. I’m neither of those things. I’m just a dog who can write English on a computer. I don’t know why and I don’t know how this happened, it just is. Sometimes it’s exciting, but sometimes just exasperating. I’ll never figure humans out, but I have to admit, you are fun to observe. Watch this page for my writings, and you’ll find out what a dog thinks of things. At least this one, Jimmy, The Blogging Dog.