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Humor

HEADLINES WE’D ALL LIKE TO SEE

Got to admit, 2009 was one lousy year for headlines. If it wasn’t for Tiger Woods riding to the rescue to provide some comedy relief with his 14 identical girlfriends as the year drew to a close, it would have been a clean sweep for bad news. Tiger saved the day for like, 3 weeks straight, and if it cost him his marriage, well, what the hell, he’s only a golfer and a celebrity, not a real person. Besides, the guy cheated his way into being a billionaire by being an athlete. Everyone knows golf is not an actual sport, its a game for soft, out-of-shape husbands who don’t like home life all that much!

Of course an athlete would excel at something like that. Not only did Tiger Woods hijack their pitty-pat little game that involves no running, no heavy exertion and no defense (basically walking around slowly for an afternoon) he outdid them all in extra-marital activities. Serves him right to lose a couple of hundred mil. Hell, he’s got plenty more  where that came from. Anyway, he did us all a favor by knocking Mr. Bad News off the front pages for a few weeks. Hopefully the coming New Year will provide some more upbeat headlines for a long overdue change. Maybe stuff like this:

OBAMA ENDS BOTH WARS! TROOPS BEGIN PULLING OUT IMMEDIATELY. PRESIDENT DECLARES: “WHAT WERE WE THINKING?”

MAJOR MUSLIM HEADS OF STATE AND RELIGIOUS LEADERS CONDEMN TERRORISM IN THE NAME OF ISLAM. PAKISTAN HANDS OVER OSAMA BIN LADEN

GOLDMAN SACHS VOTES TO AWARD BONUSES TO THEIR INVESTORS AND CUSTOMERS

CHEEZ-WHIZ FOUND TO CURE CANCER!

SOCCER OUTLAWED IN AMERICA. CONGRESS: “SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING NEXT!”

PATRIOT ACT REPEALED, BILL OF RIGHTS RESTORED!

DICK CHENEY TO MARRY KARL ROVE IN MASSACHUSETTS

BUSH THE YOUNGER ARRESTED FOR WAR CRIMES, HEADED FOR THE HAGUE IN HANDCUFFS. PLANS “STUPIDITY DEFENSE,”  BLAMES MR. AND MR. CHENEY!

TALIBAN OUSTED FROM POWER IN PEACEFUL AFGHAN ELECTIONS, ORDERLY TRANSITION OCCURS.

INVENTOR ANNOUNCES PETROLEUM’S REPLACEMENT: GREENHOUSE GASSES! PERFECT ECOLOGICAL BALANCE ACHIEVED!

SIMON COWELL BEATEN INTO A COMA BY SUSAN BOYLE

STEVE McQUEEN VOTED COOLEST DEAD WHITE GUY EVER. LEAST COOL DEAD WHITE GUY: RICHARD NIXON

SARAH PALIN ATTACKED BY ROGUE MOOSE, MAKEUP SMEARED, GUCCI TOOLED-LEATHER RIFLE SLING DAMAGED

WEALTHY PEOPLE VOLUNTEER TO PAY TAXES AGAIN

UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE PASSED ALMOST UNANIMOUSLY, COVERING EVERY AMERICAN EXCEPT JOE LIEBERMAN

NEW ENERGY SOURCE AND AGRICULTURAL METHODS END WORLD HUNGER! SALLY STRUTHERS RETIRES.

POPE ADMITS HE HAS NO IDEA WHY HE WEARS THAT POINTY HAT

ALIENS ABDUCT SMART GUY FROM BIG CITY

CANADA FINALLY FORMS AN OPINION ON SOMETHING! DETAILS TO FOLLOW IN NEXT DECADE OR TWO

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