Today introduces a new feature on THE SECOND BEST WEBSITE EVER, an advice column for the lovelorn and otherwise confused. Our columnist is the renowned Dorothy “Dot” Kahm, a kindly old bat who’s a real straight shooter and seems to know what she’s talking about. Ms. Kahm is a lifelong resident of Brooklyn, N.Y., and lives down the block from our corporate offices, another contributing factor in her successful interview for the position. Without further ado, please welcome “Dear Dot Kahm.”

Dear Dot: I’m a successful athlete with a high profile who has run into some unwanted publicity as the result of a minor car accident, a mere fender-bender, really. I don’t know how this happened, but thanks to nosy vampires in the media, all of a sudden women are coming out of the woodwork claiming to be my girlfriend, and I’m a happily married man with a beautiful wife and children. How should I respond to these outrageous claims?  – Befuddled in Florida.

Dear Befuddled: I know who you are, you stinking phony! You’re Tiger Woods, the famous golfer who can’t keep his putter in his pants. Nothing wrong with that, it’s just that you lied about who you are. What kind of jerk does that, especially when you’re famous and use those same “media vampires” to keep you that way? I’ll bet you thought you could pretend forever, fool!  Well, guess again, punk, and don’t come crying to Dot Kahm for sympathy! No one wants to hear rich people complain, not ever for any reason! You want my advice? Hire a private detective to find out who Mrs. Tiger is banging while you’re off pretending to be an athlete playing that sissy game that even my fat late husband Frank could play. Do you really need 7 gardeners and 3 pool boys? How else can you explain why your kids look Guatemalan, you egotistical bozo? What’s good for the goose…

Dear Dot: I have a boyfriend who says he loves me, and really loves the way I, um, perform a certain act for him. The only trouble is that he won’t commit, saying that since I do it so good I must have had a lot of practice, implying that I’m a slut or something. That’s so not fair, Dot! I mean, how would he know if I was good or not if he didn’t have lots of experience himself? – Hoover Girl from Queens

Dear Hoover Girl: Welcome to the real world, hon. It’s still a huge double standard for us babes who like sword swallowing (yes, old Dot Kahm can still make the salami disappear, thank you!). Leave it to a man to reject a girl for doing what he likes best. My advice? Dump that ingrate loser, find a real man to marry you, and go out and charge money on the side for your natural talent. How do you think old Dot bought my 3-family house on Avenue U, with my late husband Frank’s bus driver pay? Get real! As long as he was happy, he didn’t care what I did in my spare time. And believe me, girl, the man died with a big smile on his face!

Dear Dot: I want to like our new president, I really I do, I even voted for him, but how can I express my displeasure with him acting just like Bush The Younger with the troops surges and the billion dollar handouts to wealthy corporations without seeming like a racist? – Sensitive in Salinas

Dear Sensitive: What the hell is wrong with you? You don’t like something someone does, say so! Not speaking up because of someone’s skin color is the more racist act. You think there’s not assholes in every ethnic group? There sure as hell are, and you don’t have to pretend otherwise. Even in your “sensitive” set, sweetums. Wanna see one? Just look in the mirror, you friggin’ moron!

Dear Dot: I have a touchy problem Dot, and I hope you can help me. My new son-in-law is a great guy, sexy as all get-out, and hung like a Clydesdale. My daughter doesn’t seem to appreciate him, hardly ever giving him any pussy, and so I’ve take it upon myself to “welcome him into the family,” if you know what I mean. We’ve been very careful, and it’s just too much fun to stop, but I know it’s wrong. What should I do? – Momma Cougar in Cincinnati

Dear Momma Cougar: How did a horny old bitch like you raise such a prude daughter? Sounds like you’re both having fun, girl, but just don’t let Miss Goody Two Shoes find out. If I were you I’d buy one of those 2-family “mother-daughter” houses and invite them to move in, then tell your daughter she needs a career and to just let you look after the “household” for her. This way your son-in-law will always feel welcome, especially if you share the talent that Hoover Girl and I have!

Dear Dot: When serving pate´, is it permissible to use demitasse spoons to serve it? I have the most wonderful set of carved demitasse spoons I rarely get to show off that would work admirably. – Curious Hostess in Scarsdale

Dear Curious: Do I remind you of Martha friggin’ Stewart? Who gives a good crap what your serve that gooey swill with? It still tastes like salty shit on a stick! You want to show off your pretty spoons? Make earrings out of them and parade around naked while your serve your damned pate′! That will be the only way a shallow twit like you will ever impress anyone at one of your boring soirees! You want etiquette tips, include me out!

Dear Dot: When traveling, it is best to learn the language of the country you plan to visit? – The Considerate Tourist

Dear Considerate Tourist: Are you American or some kind of pinko commy chump? Just speak very loud and very slow, repeating yourself often, and they’ll get your drift. If not, it’s their loss, those gibberish-speaking jackasses! If they want your American dollars so bad, they’ll learn to speak proper American like a normal person.

Dear Dot: I am a teenage boy with a problem. It seems my friends don’t like me anymore since I started sleeping with the best looking girl in school. Sometimes I miss them and don’t feel like “one of the boys” anymore. Should I break it off with my girl? We’re having a lot of fun and learning so much, it would seem a shame. – Jimmy from Baltimore

Dear Jimmy: Are your friends giving you head and humping you bowlegged? If the answer is no, then the hell with them, the jealous little creeps! Go where your bread gets buttered, Jimmy, and find friends who will be happy for you when good things happen in your life. That’s one of the first steps to becoming a man. That and all the wild sweaty sex. Live it up, kiddo.

Editor’s note: The opinions expressed here are solely those of Dot Kahm, and not necessarily those of management. Then again, management isn’t in disagreement with her either, and she certainly does have a unique talent.

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