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DEAR DOT KAHM: ADVICE FOR THE BEFUDDLED

Since we introduced our advice column by Ms. Dorothy “Dot” Kahm, bobcrespo.com has been flooded with e-mails from the lovelorn and confused. Dot Kahm’s down to earth, no-nonsense advice has apparently struck a chord:

Dear Dot: I have been dating the same man for 11 years now, and he keeps promising to divorce his wife and marry me, but he always has some excuse or other not to leave her. Lately he’s giving me the old song and dance about waiting for the kids to grow up. Dot, his kids are in their 20s! What should I do? – Waiting in Wisconsin

Dear Waiting: Since you didn’t forward a photo, I can’t help but wonder if you look as stupid as you sound. You know exactly what to do, you ignorant bimbo, but you’re too much of a damned doormat to do it! Don’t blame any man for wiping his feet on a doormat, honey, that’s what doormats are for.

Dear Dot: I have a friend who has a big problem, and I wonder what I can say that might help him out. It seems that he used to be a big acting star but lately the roles have been few and far between and of very low quality, even though my friend is just as talented as ever. Should he fire his agent and manager and get new representation? – Anxious in Anaheim

Dear Anxious: Don’t hand me that “friend” crap, buster! You’re David Hasselhoff and you’re right, you have just as much talent as ever- none! A new agent won’t change that. Get used to “Dancing With The Stars” and infomercials, pal, where careers go to die. It’s just your bum luck that they cancelled “Love Boat” “Fantasy Island,” and “Hollywood Squares,” shows featuring has-beens like yourself that were at least campy and fun. Forget about any more “Bay Watch” reunions, you’re all way too flabby for bathing suits. And as for “Knight Rider,” that dopey talking car showed a wider range of emotions than you.

Dear Dot: Whenever I meet a new woman, I get all sweaty, nervous, uptight and tongue-tied. It’s very frustrating, Dot. What should I do? – Lonesome Jim

Dear Lonely and Horny: Ever hear of hookers? They don’t give a rat’s ass how awkward and stammering you are as long as you pay cash money. And who knows, you might even learn to relax once you’re getting laid on a regular basis, and hanging around with hookers is a good way to remove that stick from your ass. Women are only people too, Jimmy, no need to get nuts about the whole thing.

Dear Dot: I am a scientist and I’ve been working on a theory about interstellar gravitational displacement my whole life but there’s one equation that’s been preventing me from proving my ideas. I’m enclosing the pertinent numbers problems. Any thoughts? – Flummoxed in Florida

Dear Flummoxed: You’re making a common mistake in your integrated mathematics, Flummoxed. Try substituting the xy variable of the tangential sub-equation with the figure 168.779823 and it works out perfectly. See Einstein’s paper on the curvature of space and review Kurt Godel’s Incompleteness Theorems. You’ll find they confirm your conclusions and your theory vastly improves human understanding of stellar drift mechanics and their effect on the cosmos. Glad to be of help.

Dear Dot: My girlfriend tells me I should get a job and move out of my mother’s basement, but that’s where all my computers and video games are. Besides, I make lots of money hacking into the bank accounts of rich people. Should I listen to my girl? – Zorba the Geek

Dear Zorba The Geek: Since when do nerds get to have girlfriends? Sounds to me like you’re ahead of the dweeb curve, Zorba. And if you’re making so much money, why don’t you buy this girlfriend of yours some expensive jewelry and nice clothes? Odds are she’ll stop breaking your balls.

Dear Dot: Is it just me or is this world getting crazy lately? -Nutso Norman

Dear Nutso: It’s just you.

Dear Dot: Could you speak out on the degradation of women through sex? – Lily Belle

Dear Lilly Belle: Speak for yourself, you prissy ditz! Good sex is an elevation of your humanity and femininity, not a degradation. What you need is a new partner, or several. With a mouthful of a real man, maybe you won’t be wasting my time talking such stupid shit. Have some fun already!

Dear Dot: I am ten years old and my Mom thinks I’m too young to be thinking about girls, but I can’t help it. Is there something wrong with me? – Billy

Dear Billy: Bless your heart kiddo, but at only ten, thinking about girls is all I’d recommend for now. But I will tell you this, Billy: you have a bright future ahead of you. Just remember to stay curious and always take your time. Girls like a boy like that.

Dear Dot: Do you ever feel alienated? – Horace

Dear Horace: No.

Dear Dot: Whenever I go jogging, I get a huge hard-on. It’s very embarrassing. Any suggestions? – Bulging in Brooklyn

Dear Bulging: Sure, just jog over to my place and I’ll take care of that problem personally. I live on Avenue U and East 56th Street, third house from the corner, the one with the replica of Michaelangelo’s David out front.

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