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ARCHAEOLOGY IN THE YEAR 4009

Two thousand years from now archaeologists will be poring over the remains of our culture, wondering what to make of it all. Everything from cities, graveyards to tiny artifacts will be unearthed, examined and speculated upon as to what went on 2,000 years in the past. Here’s what may be some of their discoveries in December, 4009:

In an exciting discovery at a dig in what was once the Emirate of Dubai, a small city-state on the Persian Gulf, archaeologists have uncovered a toppled mile-high tower. They theorize that the tower was a temple to the Goddess of the Euro, a minor deity in the religion of the day. Coupled with the discovery of a series of long-submerged “Palm-shaped islands” off the coast dotted with a great many architecturally similar ruins, scientists are puzzled by the fact that none of these buildings showed signs of ever having been occupied. The equivalent of an entire brand new city was abandoned before it was even finished! Some experts theorize a devastating plague struck the area, while others equate the abandonment of the Dubai ruins with the sudden disappearance of the Mayans centuries before, wondering if they had migrated to the Middle East only to pull their disappearing act again.

An ancient chariot was pulled out of the La Brea tar pits in what was once Southern California, a nation once famous for popular images of naked blonde women. Amazingly intact, the gigantic size of it, plus the incredibly powerful engine of this internal-combustion vehicle, indicates that humans of the period must have stood around 8 feet tall and weighed at least 700 pounds apiece. The word “Hummer” was affixed to the vehicle in several places, which scientists conjecture was the name of the vehicle’s owner or the tribe to which he belonged.

While excavating for a new skyscraper in New York City (some things never change), workers uncovered an exciting cache of early 21st century artifacts. Items included gigantic hand-held communication devices, called “cell phones,” easily the size of a deck of playing cards, as well as many copper coins bearing the likeness of Abraham Lincoln, considered the God of Liberty to the ancients. Most intriguing, however, was the presence of many packages of sweet, yellow tubular cakes, called, “Twinkies” that were somehow still as soft and fresh as they were 2,000 years ago. One of the workers even ate some of them with no apparent ill effects except for a dramatic cholesterol spike. He reported they tasted pretty strange but were somehow irresistible. Extensive tests are planned to discover what ingredients could make this advanced preservation technique and their addictive nature possible.

Scientists were stunned to discover that a small river in the central plains of North America had been absorbed by an overturned truckload of something called  “Sham Wows” for 2 thousand years. When archaeologists began wringing out these super-absorbent utility towels, they were astounded to see a small lake forming before their eyes. Operations are underway to press the rest of the water out of many thousands of these Sham Wows to irrigate the surrounding desert.

While digging the foundations for a space port in what used to be known as “Queens,” a vast network of 2,000 year-old graves was discovered, mile after mile of ancient cemeteries, prompting archaeologists to declare Queens “The City of The Dead” since the elaborately preserved corpses far outnumbered the living inhabitants. So vast is this network of graves that work was temporarily suspended on the long-planned “Ronald Reagan MacDonald Spaceport” so that scientists can study the ancient tombs. It is believed that these are the graves of a vast army of slaves that once toiled in the skyscraper canyons of Manhattan, traveling back and forth on underground trains to dwellings known-as “split-level Colonial ranches,” which were located on the borders of the burial grounds, so the slaves could perform as grave diggers and embalmers in their spare time.

Archaeologists in Chicago were stunned to discover a cache of ancient electronic devices in an underground warehouse called “Circuit City.” They were able to identify the function of most of the devices, like the flat screen video devices and the huge and cumbersome “iPods” for storing music. There are a couple of items that puzzle the scientists, however, something called “Air Guitar” and a series of “karoake machines,” with many still-audible “typical amateur sound samples” included, the purposes of which have been conjectured to be some sort of ancient torture devices, judging from the horrible shrill sounds emanating from them.

Forensic electronic scientists have succeeded in intercepting ancient digital communications, an exciting breakthrough in decoding the cryptic language used in prehistoric military codes, called Texting, or Tweeting. The messages are brief and enigmatic, and experts are certain they hold the key to ancient military battles. It is well known that LOL means “lots of luck” and OMG stands for “offensive military group.” The letters BFF are thought to mean “be forceful and ferocious” while the enigmatic “winky emoticon,” depicted like this đŸ˜‰ is the sign for slaying all prisoners of war in a ritual manner before embalming them and burying them in the City of The Dead.

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