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Humor, Politics

PEOPLE THAT DON’T MATTER

Why is anyone worrying about circus clowns? The media seems to be going ape shit over a whole lot of marginal political celebrities whose impact on the average Joe and Jane is zilch. While many people might enjoy going to the circus, few come away from the experience wondering what the jugglers and the clowns think about anything other than juggling and clowning. Which is not to say that they don’t have a place in society. Good entertainment is a treasure, and even poor entertainment can be a riot when it is especially overblown and campy.

In this age of 24/7 cable outlets desperate to fill all those hours with something even marginally meaningful, and the explosion of alternate news and opinion sources on the internet, it is inevitable that the jugglers and clowns who find themselves with such unprecedented high exposure start to take themselves quite seriously. Which makes them even more entertaining once they cross the line between fantasy and reality.

When you watch Bull O’Really, it is obvious that the guy really believes that he’s a person of gravitas and intellectal substance, which makes his act even more hilarious. This is no reason, however, to actually take the guy at all seriously. When a baboon thinks he’s a college professor, that makes him a baboon who thinks he’s a college professor, period. Which is why, all the hoopla notwithstanding, the following people don’t matter even a little bit:

Sarah Palin: A moron, plain and simple. Why this upsets anyone is a mystery. People are allowed to be morons. Villages have their village idiot, towns their town drunk and nations have their laughingstock. She’s as good as any other, and kind of cute too.

Glen Beck: Who?

Rush Limbaugh: 5 million listeners? Howard Stern has a whole lot more, and nobody’s calling him any kind of influential political philosopher or a threat to the established order of things. Before anyone gets excited about this guy’s intellectual prowess, remember he failed every subject in his very brief college career, including ballroom dancing. To his credit, however, he did become a decent self-taught pharmacologist.

Lou Dobbs: This guys is really funny. Having failed at being a TV financial guru, he switched tactics to become Bull O’Really Lite, and got so caught up in the legend in his own mind that he abruptly quit CNN cable news to “get involved in policy decisions and problem solving.” It’s a beautiful thing to behold. Somehow the Rockefeller Foundation, the United Nations, The Obama Administration and the World Bank have yet to make him an offer.

Keith Olberman: This guy is convinced he’s the guardian of morality and ethics in America. Okay, Keith, if you insist, knock yourself out. You’ve got plenty of company here in America on the Moral Police Force. Once a decent enough TV blowhard, his ego has gotten almost as large as his head, a grand pumpkin of a noggin that rivals Lou Dobbs’ humongous coconut. Funny how giant heads don’t translate into giant intellects.

Rupert Murdoch: So the guy bought a bunch of media outlets and does his level best to enflame Americans over American flag lapel pins and other equally important political issues. Big deal. So what if he tries spread fear and questions the wisdom of having a Bill of Rights? Americans in general don’t seem all that enflamed or fearful no matter how many nut job fringe groups his media outlets champion or how many blowhard ministers of propaganda he hires. While Americans may be awfully pissed off lately, their anger is directed as much towards irritating jerks like Murdoch as anywhere else. The guy is just another creepy old billionaire with a creepy agenda, not the first or the last one around here, and one without even an engaging personality to boot, a real handicap in the delusional would-be puppet master department. We like our whack job billionaires to be creepy and funny instead of just plain creepy. Sort of like Donald Trump, perhaps.

Nancy Pelosi: Her power as Speaker of the House of Representatives is noteworthy only in the fact that it is held for the first time by a woman. Unfortunately, a decidedly weird and screechy sort of woman, all immobile Botox face, molded hairdo and desperation. She comes across as more interested in maintaining her power than in crafting important legislation, just another hack leading a bunch of other hacks. It is difficult to take this woman seriously, a pity since she holds such an important government post. When the Speaker of The House is a laughable person who doesn’t matter, that’s not good. Entertaining in a strange and cloying way to be sure, but that’s what Barbara Walters is for.

Joe Biden: Who?

John Boehner: The House Minority Leader actually makes Nancy Pelosi look like a thoughtful, serious public servant. How much of a buffoon do you have to be to accomplish that? This refugee from a game show is only vaguely familiar with the founding documents of the United States, and even though he claims to carry copies of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, he can’t quote either of them accurately. One supposes that carrying them and actually reading them is two different tasks, one easy, one requiring a little bit of effort. He’s pretty good at leading fellow morons in chants of meaningless slogans, though, so he’s not completely without entertainment value. Too bad he’s an important legislator and not an actual entertainer, which would make his lack of substance okay.

Rudy Giuliani: At this point, this fraud is merely a waste of a good suit.

Rep. Charles Rangel: The fact that he is still in office is a testament to his acute acumen in knowing where the bodies are buried. A guy with incredible political survival skills and actually in possession of some good ideas, his lack of ethics and questionable finances makes him more of a liability than an asset. He might have mattered once. No more.

Bill Maher: Once an intelligent progressive with a refreshing independent streak, Maher has joined the pompous blowhard community with his arrogant dismissal of opposing points of view, maybe figuring his background as a stand up comedian makes him more qualified than your average bloated talking head to provide us with thought-provoking political entertainment. He may have a point, but his hair stylist does an admirable job of hiding it.

Dick Cheney: Once the Dictator of America, this Johnny-one-note bore would have us believe that we can torture our way out of every predicament. Like Rupert Murdoch, old Shotgun Dick’s public persona suffers from an excess of bland. The suspicion here is that his personality has been surgically removed to make room for the machinery he keeps having installed to prolong his life, such as it is. To his credit, he is a remarkably talented straight man, never once cracking a smile while defending his record as dictator, during which time he made not even one correct decision. Sort of like Bud Abbot trying to hornswoggle Mr. Fields, figuring everyone’s as gullible as Lou Costello. Fortunately for us, there are more Mr. Fields in America than Lou Costellos, so few are buying his tedious line of bullshit. A year removed from his salad days as the Undisputed Dictator of America, Dick (head) Cheney is just one more of the many jugglers and clowns who Do Not Matter.

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