In the interest of informing those who think the world is conspiring against them, bobcrespo.com has boldly decided to let the cat out of the bag by letting them know that yes indeed, we are conspiring against them and have monthly meetings to carefully plan how to ruin their lives and thwart their every dream. So, those of you who are paranoid, or think that someone is out to get you or that unseen forces are blocking your progress, it’s not you, it is the whole world. In the interest of full disclosure, the headquarters of bobcrespo.com is one of the revolving hosts of these meetings, doing the honors on the first Monday of every third month. The following entries are pertinent excerpts (merely a small sampling since these are long meetings discussing the fate of a great many people) from our Life Ruiners Meeting, Brooklyn Chapter, of October, 2009:
Chairman: Order, order! Having read the minutes of the last meeting and having duly agreed to this month’s agenda, this meeting of The Life Ruiner’s Club, Brooklyn Chapter, is now called to order! The floor is open. Randy?
Randy: Before we get down to the particulars of how we will ruin the lives on our list in November, I propose to add a name for next month’s meeting. Let the record show that one Leonard V. Johnson thinks he is due for a promotion at work next month and, while he believes he richly deserves it for his dedication and skill, it’s not going to happen since he is truly a strange individual. To add insult to injury, however, I propose that we intervene with his superiors and see that Vernon Whittaker gets the job, a younger man trained by Mr. Johnson and, in his opinion, not nearly as talented or deserving, and someone who Leonard hates and is convinced “has in for him.” This will drive Leonard Johnson nuts.
Chairman: Any objections? A show of hands please. Let the record show that once again the vote is unanimous. Let it so be ordered that each of us will henceforth do everything in our power to ruin Leonard V. Johnson’s life, beginning but certainly not limited to keeping him frustrated and maladjusted in his workplace and at home. Next order of business! Loretta?
Loretta: I’d like to share for the record that the life of Miriam Holdensworth has been successfully made even more miserable this past September. We used the “careful what you wish for” gambit on Miriam. Her abusive drunken lout of a boyfriend finally moved out of her apartment, but so did her TV, jewelry and all her other valuables. In order to console her, we have introduced her to one Fred Short, an even worse jerk, a Mr. Wrong of the highest magnitude.
Chairman: Well done, Loretta! Any other reports? Sherman?
Sherman: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. As per plan, we arranged for the winning lottery numbers drawn on September 9 to be the same numbers played by Walter Redfern every single week for 27 years, except, of course, that week. Our operatives ensured that Mr. Redfern’s usual lottery outlet had a computer malfunction and, in a masterful coup, if I may be so bold, made sure that Walter broke his leg on the way to another lottery store, and so he never bought his tickets for the 50 million dollar prize. As of last week, Mr. Johnson is depressed, more bitter than ever and stuck at home in a cast while his wife calls him a pathetic loser all day long!
Chairman: A job well done, Sherman! And you most definitely may be so bold. You showed admirable initiative. Next order of business. Jack?
Jack: Regarding the business of Earl and Sheila Morris, the couple whose marriage we arranged, I am pleased to report, Mr. Chairman, that it is not working out at all, just as planned. We’re looking at divorce #4 for Earl and #3 for Sheila, who we made sure both married the exact same sort of incompatible individual they did in all their other marriages.
Chairman: Excellent, Jack. Sometimes this is too easy! Who else? Let’s spread the misery here people, shall we? What about you, Alison?
Alison: In an ongoing project, I give you an update on Mr. Lawrence Nash, who’s 37, has no friends or love life, keeps getting fired from one job after the other and still lives in his mother’s basement. He was showing signs of breaking the futile cycle of his so-called life when I came up with a highly irregular approach to nip this in the bud. I took it upon myself to pretend to like him, slept with him once and told him he was a horrible lover and no kind of man at all, then told his mother all about our affair and she got all over his case to the point where was reduced to a shivering glob of flesh. Then I called and left him a sexy message on his answering machine. He dialed the bogus phone number I gave him 237 times and last we checked he was in his 43rd straight hour of playing a computer video game while his mother shrieks at him and pounds on his locked basement door for hours on end.
Chairman: Highly irregular, perhaps, Alison, but let me commend you for Life Ruination over and above the call of duty. Let us all defer to Alison and laud her for her creative improvisation and extraordinary dedication to ruining lives! Let the record show that I hereby direct that Alison be awarded the Outstanding LIfe Ruiner of The Month Award! Hear hear!
The Assembled Life Ruiners Committee: Hear hear! Well done, Alison!
Chairman: A most rewarding meeting, ladies and gentlemen, most rewarding! And now, Alison, if you would do us the honor of leading us in our closing creed, we will call this meeting of The Life Ruiners Club, Brooklyn Chapter, adjourned. Alison, if you please?
Alison and the Assembled Life Ruiners Committee: Thank you, Mr. Chairman and esteemed colleagues. Let us us join our hands and raise our voices together in our Life Ruiners Creed: “We shall strengthen our resolve to harass the paranoid, keep the losers losing and further embitter the embittered! As Life Ruiners we shall do our sacred duty to ensure that the pathetic have scapegoats to blame for their miserable lives, that they suspect conspiracies at every turn, and their every dream is completely crushed. May our work be happy, fruitful and never ending.”