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DISNEYLAND IN CHINA, WITH A FEW NEW TWISTS

The news comes to the world that there will be a Disneyland in Shanghai, China within a few years. Makes sense. This way the Disney Company can keep an eye on the factories that make all the mouse ears, T-Shirts and countless other Disney souvenirs. Their stated aim is to use this latest Disneyland to further open up the Chinese markets to their movie, TV and stage productions, figuring there’s 1.3 billion potential customers in China who wouldn’t mind watching boring, unchallenging drivel. And it’s a win-win situation for the Chinese government too, a Mickey Mouse outfit just as intent as Disney on presenting a unified, homogenous and artificial image of their nation to the world.

There will, of course, be some key differences between Chinese Disneyland and regular Disneyland. For example, Donald Duck’s sister Della Duck will only have one offspring. No word yet on which of Donald’s nephews, Huey, Dewey or Louie, will get to keep his job. Mickey will no longer be the

Leader of the Mickey Mouse Club, but will serve as Chairman of The Peoples’ Mickey Mouse Collective, with Goofy as his vice-premier and Donald Duck as his political commissar. The rest of the Disney cartoon characters will sit on the People’s MIckey Mouse Club Politburo. Other significant differences in Chinese Disneyland include:

The line for the Space Mountain ride will be labeled The Long March.

Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs will be renamed The Gang of Eight.

The theme song, “It’s a Small World After All” will be replaced by a specially written tune for Shanghai Disneyland called “It’s a Small Glorious Worker’s Paradise After All.”

Chairman Mao’s frozen body will be displayed alongside Walt Disney’s iced corpse in something called The Hall of Destiny. Must be a Chinese thing.

The traditional Disney Castle that is the centerpiece of all Disneylands will be replaced by a shoddily built, non-descript concrete apartment block called The Workers Housing Pavilion.

The Magic Kingdom will be renamed Criminal Royal Oppressors District.

Shanghai Disneyland will be surrounded by a replica of The Great Wall. Like the original, it will keep nobody out but will eventually become a tourist attraction in its own right.

In a glaring example of losing something in the translation, The Pirates of the Caribbean attraction will be called Somalian Enemies of the People Exported Material Goods Hijackers Ride.

The Disney Hollywood Movie Studio Park will be heavily censored. Negotiations are ongoing between Disney executives and Chinese government officials as to which of the studio attractions will remain permanently “closed for renovations.”

Disney tour guides will not allow visitors to explore the park on their own, or to interview the mascots without submitting their questions to Goofy and Mickey to park officials for approval beforehand.

All e-mails sent from Shanghai Disneyland will be intercepted and censored.

Instead of the usual Disney Parade with floats and the kiddies’ favorite Disney characters on Sunday night, a military parade of tanks, rockets and troops will march through Shanghai Disney, followed by a lengthy speech extolling the proletarian virtues of People’s Disneyland.

A new Disney attraction, unique to the Shanghai park, will be called Strip Mine Valley Adventure, a replica of one of China’s many open pit coal mines, where small children can wield little picks and shovels to mine actual coal on treacherous slopes prone to landslides. Just like the real thing!

The White Water Rafting Ride will be the re-creation of a bursting dam in China’s Yunnan Province. Instead of canoes, thrill seekers will be given tree limbs and pieces of smashed farmhouses to hang on to for dear life. Hair-raising fun!

The Forbidden Palace will be an exact replica of Beijing’s home of many Chinese Dynasty Emperors, and just like the original will remain off-limits to foreigners, but will look pretty darned impressive from the outside.

The Tianenman Square Massacre attraction will give tourists a chance to get “crushed” by realistic-looking foam rubber tanks. Great fun for recent history buffs!

The Science & Technology Pavilion will show interesting demonstrations on how to pirate western inventions without having to pay royalties.There will also be a Phone Bank Center wing of this attraction where American and European visitors can finally get to meet their favorite tech support people and discuss problems with their computers and DVD players face to face while the tech reps get to brush up on regional accent’s and colloquialisms. A valuable learning experience all around! Sort of like Epcot Center without all that tedious amusement.

The Running Dogs of Imperialism Show will feature robot Chinese peasants hacking robots of Japanese and European emperors and kings to pieces with sickles and pitchforks. Very realistic!

The food courts will be modeled after New York City’s Chinatown, long rows of tenement buildings with the restaurants on the ground floor and noisy, crowded apartments and gambling dens upstairs, but the food will be superb.

A thrilling ride to rival the excitement of Space Mountain will be the Earthquake Zone Nuclear Power Plant Ride, where visitors enter a replica of a nuclear reactor that shakes violently and seems to come apart at the seams. In a creatively realistic touch, people are sprayed with a special powder so that they glow in the dark afterwards. Tons of fun!

The Walmart Factory Exhibit will show Americans how their underwear, lawn chairs, toys, beer can-holding hats, and pretty much everything else we buy are manufactured. Guaranteed almost lead-free!

Plan your trip now for Shanghai Disneyland, guaranteed to be an unforgettable vacation for the whole family! Book your officially approved hotel and permissible itinerary today. Act now and get  complementary photo of the Great Helmsman himself, Chairman Mao, wearing Mickey Mouse ears.

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