The explosion of internet classified ads for jobs, service, events and items for sale has been a great convenience for people. Most prominent among these services are eBay to auction off your stuff or bid on someone else’s stuff, Craig’s list to find a nanny, iTunes to buy music, e-Harmony for those lonely lovelorn too damned lazy to leave their house to go out and find the love of their life, Amazon to buy or sell books or anything else under the sun and PayPal to collect and dispense the fees incurred. And there’s a whole lot of personal ads out there, some of them a little off the beaten path. For those not familiar with the shorthand of personal advertisement, bobcrespo.com will spell out the abbreviations to avoid even more confusion than the ads themselves generate. Consider these:
Sexy blond blow up doll seeking human male for companionship and occasional inflation. Non smoker. Reply: Bubbles
Straight white female; single, hot blond, mid 20’s, into skiing, rock climbing and heavy aerobics, seeking older white financier with a weak heart and a strong bank balance for quickie marriage. Reply: Honest Honey
Straight white male, mid-30s, blue collar, beer and a shot kind of guy, seeking fun-loving barmaid old before her time, raspy voice, dyed blond hair with black roots, heavy drinker and smoker with smeared makeup and a mouth like a truck driver for bleary romantic get-togethers every single night. Reply: Jimbo
Older gay chicken hawk seeking anyone who will not harp on how damned pathetic I am. Reply: Terrence
Purring hot cougar, killer body and full of tricks, married with 2 dopey kids and a fat boring slob of a husband, seeks afternoons with high school football team. Reply: Mommy
For sale: Slightly used machete, jackhammer, shovel and cement trowel. Wiped clean. Best offer. Reply: Newly Single in Boston
Friend for hire: Mid-20s, straight white male, sort of chubby, plain looking and very dull. Guaranteed to make you look good in front of the babes. No matter how big a jerk you are, I guarantee I will be a bigger one. Get laid by default, hire me! Reply: Wingman, Inc.
Teenaged cheer leader; brunette, slinky, beautiful and green eyed, seeking: No one, I can have my pick. Reply: You WISH, You Smelly Old Pervert!
Smelly Old Pervert seeking slinky teenaged cheerleader. Reply: I DO Wish
Exotic Dancer seeking beer-soaked five-dollar bills. Reply: Double Jointed
Smelly Old Pervert seeking double-jointed exotic dancer. Reply: I REALLY DO Wish
Remote control service: Will come to your house and operate TV, DVD & Cable remote controls while you just sit there. Will click on any channel you desire. Can respond to grunts or nearly imperceptible head nods. Commercial muting, snack fetching, instant response channel switching. Reply: Swifty
Bisexual seeking anybody for anything. Reply: Not Particular
Home Computer Service: Having trouble with your computer? Can’t help you there, you ignorant fossil, but will come to your house, speak in rapid techno-jargon you won’t understand, reset your computer preferences and make you feel even dumber than you are. Reply: Super Geek
Balloon animal artist available. My specialty? Snakes! Reply: The Serpent
Accredited tutor available: Subject taught: Gym. Reply: Lefty
Man of the cloth seeking companionship. Have all the latest Nintendo games, state-of-the-art joystick. Reply: Father Chester.
Unemployed alcoholic abuser seeking low self-esteem masochist with job and apartment. Reply: Slick
Medical marijuana clinic seeking quality control managers. Reply to: www.LineFormsToTheLeft.com
For sale: Bow Flex, Nordic Track, Stair Master, rowing machine, set of barbells and Ab Circle machine. Like new. Reply: What Was I Thinking
Horny old goat with plenty of money and Viagra who doesn’t give a damn about companionship seeks hot young babes to do me until I drop friggin’ dead. Reply: Hugh
Blonde biker babe seeking beer-bellied, bearded angry misfit with tattoos and a Harley who has most of his teeth and like his ladies slutty. Reply: Wanda
Big Mama seeking real man who likes his woman Extra Large. It ain’t over ’til the fat lady makes you sing! Reply: Buffalina
Schizophrenic seeking sexy babe with multiple personalities for love/hate relationship. Voices in your head a plus! Reply: Todd or Count Valkyrie
For sale, best offer: 250,000 bright red T-shirts, 100% cotton w/ logo: Philadelphia Phillies, 2009 World Series Champions. Reply: No Cigar