In our continuing quest to face the demands and challenges of this modern age, is continuing to compile helpful rules for the proper comportment of a gentleman. Never has being a gentleman been more important than in this fractious, contentious era. The bounds of good taste and decorous behavior are being assailed on all fronts, and genteel, courteous discourse is rapidly becoming a thing of the past. So, in an effort to correct our hostile tendencies, these rules for gentlemen address our dealings with our fellow man. Consider:

When arguing with another who holds a different political viewpoint, a gentleman always offers his handkerchief to his adversary after he has bloodied his nose.

A gentleman never kicks a man when he is down. The lateral kick is likely to miss the mark. Stomping is the preferred method of assault on a prone opponent, applying the heel in an up-and-down piston movement.

When watching the Bull O’Really show, a gentleman never destroys the television set.

When accepting a twenty million dollar bonus from one’s stockholders’ money, a gentlemen never spins cartwheels and fist-bumps his colleagues. Instead, he humbly wonders why he wasn’t given thirty million dollars of someone else’s money.

When a gentleman who holds elective office is caught in a scandal, he never angrily denies any wrongdoing, instead calmly lays the blame on a subordinate.

When engaged in running a Ponzi scheme, a wise gentleman swindles only the obscenely wealthy. When your scheme inevitably collapses, public opinion will look favorably upon you and your prison sentence will be commensurately lenient.

When collecting billions of dollars in cash grants, subsidies and tax breaks from one’s government for one’s multi-billion dollar corporation, a gentleman waits a decent interval before condemning Socialist programs for the poor.

When belittling your opponent’s arguments, a gentleman acts superior and knowledgeable. Only if that doesn’t work is it permissible to smear the character of your opponent with sensational insinuations, the more outlandish, the better. Even when your accusations are found to be false, the simple act of bringing up charges of bestiality and cannibalism will taint their reputation and distract people from examining your blatant lies.

A gentleman always lies with a straight face.

When deciding between expediency and what is right, a gentleman considers which will be more beneficial to himself, then makes his decision.

A gentleman never dances a jig at the funeral of a rich relative. That can wait until after the reading of the will.

A gentleman never urinates on the grave of a rich relative that has cut him out of their will. It is far more gentlemanly to simply sue the rest of the family and hope they settle out of court for a substantial sum.

A prudent gentleman never stiffs his lawyer.

When invading a country, a gentleman makes sure it is the one who is your actual enemy. To attack the wrong nation would be an inexcusable faux pas and a serious breach of gentlemanly conduct.

When pretending to be a religious leader in order to gain power and wealth, a sagacious gentleman treats any accusations of fraud and indecency as a direct attack on God by those in league with the devil.

When masquerading as a self-help guru, a gentleman always pretends to care about those who seek his advice. Feigning sincerity is paramount.

When a gentleman is running a crime syndicate, he keeps the sensational murders to a circumspect minimum.

When one’s spouse sues for divorce on the grounds of infidelity, a gentleman transfers no more than three-quarters of his wealth to off-shore accounts.

After faking one’s own death, a gentleman never moves back to his old neighborhood.

When in possession of compromising information on one’s rival, a gentleman takes pains to make it appear as if a third party has made it public.

When a gentleman blackmails another gentleman, he does so anonymously. To do otherwise is to invite prosecution and the resulting stain on one’s character.

When fleeing the authorities, a gentleman never leaves a paper trail.

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