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Humor

IT COULD BE WORSE. YOU COULD BE…

Hard times, these. The economy bites it, wars are raging everywhere and the globe gets hungrier every day. People are hurting everywhere, even in nations like America. It’s small wonder a lot of people have the blues. But, you can always look at the bright side and remember things could always be worse. How, you say? Well, consider this: You Could Be

An Isolated Amazon Tribesman: There you are living in the dense rain forest making poison darts and obsidian arrowheads, living in a straw hut and hunting dangerous animals barefoot and nearly naked and the oldest guy in your village is like, 41, tops, you’re not really sure. All of a sudden these scientists show up with computers, rifles, huge boats, freezers, cell phones, electric lights, microwave ovens, candy bars and Coca Cola and they tell you to keep living like you’ve been living so they can study you. So now you’re aware you’re living centuries behind the rest of the world and they won’t even teach you to read, never mind install an air conditioner in your sweltering hut.

A Weatherman in Los Angeles: There are only so many ways you can say “Sunny and mild.” And when it does rain every few years, the TV station sends you out into a drizzle shooting footage of tiny puddles and damp streets and tells you to act like it’s raining molten steel and the end of life as we know it is imminent.

Billy Mays: Not only is he a super-annoying TV pitchman, he’s also dead.

The yelling TV chef guy: Is there anyone people want to slap silly more than this maladjusted bag of hot air?

Canadian: It’s hard enough getting noticed in this world without having to live in that frozen witness protection program of a nation. It’s the modern day equivalent of the French Foreign Legion.

A Chicago Cubs fan: Not only have the Chicago Cubs failed to win a World Series since 1908 in spite of having some outstanding baseball players over the years, the longest streak of futility in professional sports, now the team has announced it is going bankrupt in spite of selling out all their home games and owning their own TV station. Must be the proximity to Canada.

A heterosexual male in Saudi Arabia: By Saudi law women are segregated from men in all public places, cannot drive cars, cannot seek medical help without a male family member’s permission and are generally dressed in  formless sacks when not under house arrest. There’s also a law banning consumption of alcohol. Try getting lucky in that sandbox. Which just goes to show you that gay guys can be just as monstrous as straight guys when running a country.

Bush The Younger’s Ghost writer: You try making sense of Dumbya’s 8 year misadventure as the worst president ever and into any possible future.

The dumb blonde on “The View”: The daytime all-woman talk panel show, “The View,” is alternately entertaining and annoying, with most of the entertainment coming at the expense of Elizabeth Hasselbeck, the only political conservative on the panel and a person with possibly the lowest IQ to appear on TV since her hero, Bush The Younger. On the plus side, she’s a lot better looking that he is.

The guy who founded Twitter: Nerds the world over dream of creating the Next Big Internet Thing and becoming boy billionaires overnight like the founders of You Tube, My Space, Face Book and the like. Well, Jack Dorsey did just that and founded the immensely popular Twitter, filling a gaping void in the lives of slackers wondering what their favorite reality show stars are eating for lunch. Twitter has 25 million users and is growing rapidly, making it indeed the latest Big Internet Thing, famous all over the world. The only drawback is that Twitter is a free service so the company hasn’t made any money and industry experts say it never will, which is why Jack Dorsey still lives in his mother’s basement and drives a 1993 Nova.

One of Hugh Hefner’s “girlfriends”: You’ve got to love money a whole lot to sleep with an 83 year-old, lecherous, Viagra-popping, leathery old bag of bones who’s entire wardrobe consists of a robe and pajamas.

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