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Humor

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS

The good news: Seven year-old Brandon Hiles of Wintersville, Ohio will recover completely after getting attacked and gored by a deer while playing football with his friends. The bad news: Local media are calling him a “lucky boy.” Some luck, eh? The poor kid’s wondering what else will happen to him now that he’s lucky enough to have been gored and trampled by a deer before his eighth birthday.

Here’s the good news: America’s banks are bouncing back after getting rescued by the federal government in 2008 and early 2009, back to recording fabulous profits well into the billions per quarter. The bad news? The bad news is that the only people benefitting from this resurgence are the bankers themselves since they are doing nothing with their profits but awarding each other huge bonuses.

The good news in Pakistan is that they seem to be controlling their population growth. The bad news? The preferred method for controlling their population explosion is actual explosions.

More good news on the international front: President Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. The bad news is that right afterwards he decided to send¬† 13,000 more troops into one of the two wars he’s running. He’s shooting for next year’s Nobel Irony Prize.

The bad news: Hip Hop is now 30 years old, making it pretty old as far as pop trends go. The good news? It’s still surprisingly similar to music, and gets played on the radio a lot as if it were actual music.

The good news about Canada is that it is still there. The bad news about Canada? Who knows? That’s the beauty of Canada, you don’t have to pay attention to it. Suggested mottos for Canada: “The biggest wallflower on the planet!” or: “Canada: where excitement goes to die!” or maybe: “Canada: We’re here if you need us!” and finally “Canada: Hello? We said we’re here if you need us. Anybody?…

The good news in Los Angeles is that it rained, finally extinguishing the annual raging fires. The bad news: The formerly palatial estates of movie stars in Hollywood Hills are sliding away, making room for next year’s burning mansions. That’s very good news for low-echelon TV news reporters who figure to see plenty of camera time when next year’s big blaze hits. It beats praying for earthquakes and tsunamis, which are very hard to predict and often occur in places where you have to get shots to visit and are really far from cocaine dealers and Starbucks.

The good news in Afghanistan is that there will be a do-over of the presidential election that was tainted by widespread fraud. The bad news? Whoever wins has to be president of Afghanistan.

The good news is that the group of investors seeking to buy the St. Louis Rams football team has dropped Rush Limbaugh as a potential part owner. The bad news? The Ram’s football players will have to pay retail for their pain killer pills when they get injured.

The good news: The United States National Soccer Team clinched a berth in the upcoming World Cup tournament with a tie game against Costa Rica. The bad news? America has a soccer team.

The good news for Bill Gates is that even with the financial meltdown of 2008, he’s still the richest man in the world. That bad news? He’s still Bill Gates, the dullest man in the world.

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