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TWITTER TO SANTA CLAUS

It’s never too early too get your letter to Santa Claus sent. Early bird catches the worm and all that. Why wait until December when he’s inundated with millions of requests for Tickle Me Elmo dolls and iPhones? So the thinking here is that this year we get the drop on America’s retailers and Greeting Card companies that kick off Christmas season simultaneously with Halloween, and treat it with about the same reverence. So, in the spirit of modernism, let’s Tweet Santa our unreasonable demands this year. Outside of his mode of transportation, Santa Claus has always kept up with the latest technology. How else can he keep track of the exploding population? He’s all about the technology and cutting his work load.

He’s got that whole naughty and nice deal down a science these days, having subcontracted that work to a statistics company in India. This way he’s free to read all the e-mails and twitters he gets requesting this gift or that and can quickly download who’s deserving of an X Box and who gets the lump of coal. He actually encourages the use of Twitter due to its electronically enforced brevity, that 140 character limit. So, in the interest of science and in the spirit of Christmas, bobcrespo.com has collected some of the early Tweets to Santa Claus from some prominent people. An added bonus is that this early in the season he even has the time to reply to the tweets. Here goes:

Santa – Thanks for the huge bonus last year. Have already spent it and am hoping to get a bigger one this Xmas, LOL. – The Big Bank Dawg

Don’t hold your breath, Dawg. Looks like you’ll have to make due on your $3mil salary this year. The Mrs. is still PO’d about the millions in cash I gave away last season. – Santa

Dear Santa – You are my BFF and I just know you’ll get me a new reality show! The one I have really stinks. – Paris

Dear Paris – Not to be a spoil sport, my dear, but haven’t all your shows really stunk? Maybe the problem isn’t the show, kiddo. Just a thought. – Santa

Santafier – Hopin’ you could see your way clear to get me one of them nifty jet pilot costumes. Mr. Cheney took mine away when I was done Presidentiating. – Dubya

Dubya – You are still one dumb son-of-a-bitch and I’ll always regret my gift to you of the 2000 election. Lose my Twitter address. – Santa

Claus – Here’s what I want and it’s a fabulous idea: You and me, reality show: “Trump Vs. Claus.” We battle it out for who gets to sponsor Xmas. – The Donald

Dear The – I’ll have you for breakfast, pompous fool! You’re on! Only we call it “Claus Vs Trump.” – The Santa

Claus – Title change is a deal breaker. Everybody knows the Trump name represents quality and fabulousness. – The Donald

The – Get real, Perry Combover! I was a household name before you dreamt of your first trophy wife, who if you recall, was a Christmas present from yours truly! Deal’s off! – Claus

Claus – You’ll be hearing from my attorneys, fat man. – The Donald

Dear Chump – Bring ’em on! You think Santa’s afraid of your lawyers? I’ll cross you all off my list! – The Claus

Dear Santa – I know this might not be up your alley, but can you maybe slow down my wife’s aging process? She’s starting to look like my Mom and my Twitter fans are getting creeped out. – Ashton Kutcher

Dear Ashton – Who told you to marry granny, you dope? I’m Santa Claus, not Jesus! Have you seen Mrs. Claus? Best I can do is a couple of rounds of Botox treatments or a splashy divorce, your call – Santa

Santa – I think I’ll go with the Botox deal. There’s always next Christmas for the divorce. – Ashton

Asston – You greedy young punk! Just for that I’m giving your wife a handsome young pool boy this year who adores older women. – Santa

Dear Santa – Thanks for the new liver. One drawback, though. It has no Aps, can only do regular liver functions. Can anything be done about that this Christmas? – Steve Jobs

Steve – What can be done is you can thank God, you arrogant buffoon! A man died to give you that liver! And this Christmas you’re getting some grown-up clothes. You can’t be a boy genius in blue jeans for 30 years. – Santa

Dear Santa – I don’t want anything for myself, only for you to rain hell fire on the liberals, the non-believing pagans and the Socialists who are staining my America. – Glen Beck

Dear Glen – You’re scaring me, boy. Seek help ASAP! – Santa

Santa – I was wondering if you could provide me with something to do, maybe spark another race riot ala Rodney King or something big like that. Since Obama got elected no one listens when I yell at white folks. – Jesse Jackson

Dear Jesse – Get over it. Santa has given you many charismatic and oratorical gifts over the years and you used them to divide instead of unite. I gave you Dr. King as a teacher, too, but you didn’t pay attention. This year it’s a bottle of Old Spice and a red tie like the rest of the retired Grandpas. – Santa

Infidel Dog – As a Muslim I do not believe in you, but can’t help but notice the many gifts you have bestowed upon America, or as we like to call it, The Great Satan. Can you give me the global voice I so deserve?  – Ayatollah Ali Khameini, Supreme Leader of Iran

Dear El Supremo – Sure, you can make world headlines in a flash if you admit there was a holocaust, stop trying to enslave your women and ditch the stonings and beheadings already. Maybe lose the Merlin the Magician robe too. – Santa

Infidel Dog – Take all my fun away, Pawn of Satan! I knew you were in league with the enemies of God. I shall issue a fatwah upon you! – Ali Khameini

El Supremo –  A fatwah? I’m already pretty fat, but go right ahead. The more of me, the merrier, as Mrs. Claus likes to say. My gift to you this Christmas will be a gift to the entire world. I will leave you unchanged so we all continue to be amused by your whacky antics. Jim Carey’s got nothing on you, Supremo, LOL! – Santa Claus, Supreme Leader of The North Pole

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