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General Interest, Humor

THE RECESSION IS LOU DOBBS’ FAULT

There’s this guy on cable news named Lou Dobbs, used to have a show called “Money Matters,” one of those I’m-an-economic-genius-and-you’re-not-so-listen-to-me-and-do-what-I-tell-you deals. You know the kind, one of those eye-glazing bores that has most of us doing a sprint for the remote before they can say NASDAQ another forty times. Some people actually love these sort of shows and watch them to get tips on how to manage their own dough, maybe thinking they’ll save some money by not consulting with a real financial planner. To each his own. Well, fat old Lou, being more of an entertainer than a financial wizard, he figured to boost his ratings by starting to wax eloquent on matters political. Didn’t really matter much what he said, so long as he said it with just the right combination of anchor-man authority and megalomaniacal bluster. He apparently studied Bill O’Really’s M.O. and figured he could sop up some of that gravy too.

But unlike Wild Bill, Lou didn’t feel he had the chops to be an expert on everything under the sun. Also, being used to running a single-theme show, he needed a focus for his growing madness. What to do, what to do? Then one day a brainstorm possesses him and Bingo!, he latches onto Mexicans as his cause celebre’ and a new career was forged. He started attributing every problem in America to illegal aliens, even global warming. His johnny one-note theme struck a nerve with the unschooled and the bigoted and his ratings shot through the roof. Tearing a page from Supreme Leader Shotgun Dick Cheney’s playbook, he used fear mongering and invented “facts” masterfully, doing his best to demonize Mexican people.

Now, anyone who’s actually met any Mexicans and had the pleasure to get to know them would have a hard time reconciling their earnest, polite demeanor with the we-don’t-have-to-show-you-no-sinking-badges! Frito bandito images from the movie “The Treasure of Sierra Madre” conjured up night after night by Mr. Dobbs. But that was hardly the point. People who knew and interacted with Mexicans weren’t his target audience anyway. That would be the unhinged morons that seek to lay their troubles at the feet of others, in this case the people who mow our lawns, cook our food, pick our crops and lovingly raise our children for us. No sense drawing attention to those good people, better to focus on the drug gangsters and criminals that form a certain tiny percentage of every ethnic group. Build a wall! Guard the border with tanks and laser beams! Hide your daughters! It’s their fault Americans like to get high!

It didn’t seem to bother Lou that one of the results of his campaign is a bunch of psycho killers calling themselves vigilantes now patrolling the U.S. – Mexico border and hunting Mexicans like deer with high powered rifles, leaving their corpses to rot in the desert. He was too busy basking in the glow of being a magnet for right wing whack jobs ala’ Bill O’Really. The government actually took his advice and started building the Great Wall of Mexico and his public was starting to weary of the issue. Clearly it was time to expand his agenda and leave his “Money Matters” persona in the dust. What he needed was something nebulous and malleable, as far as possible from the concrete and results-oriented investment forum where right and wrong was readily apparent. No sense being held accountable, eh? Why risk that?

So, what does he do next? In a brilliant move, he revived a dead issue, the question of the birthplace of President Obama. While coyly stating that he himself has no reason to believe that Obama was born in Kenya (a perfect left-handed cop out that leaves a ton of doubt), his show has provided a forum for the latest asshole-of-the-month club, called Birthers, those cretins convinced that Obama was born not in Hawaii (as has been proven time and again to the satisfaction of the sane), but in Kenya and that his election is a vast conspiracy by Islam to undermine America from within (or at least undermine it more than the presence of divisive lunatic fringe groups like themselves). The mind boggles that a certain of percentage of Americans believe in this crap that Obama is a foreign-born (!) Muslim agent provocateur.

Well, thanks Lou, at least you’ve identified another minority in this nation, Stupid-Americans, whose right to speak out is protected under a Constitution drafted by really smart guys. And so Lou Dobbs’ transformation from being a staid, intelligent, common sense money advisor is complete. He is now king of the morons, the man with one eye. Truth be told, that’s a hell of a lot easier than being held accountable for giving poor financial advice. His is a world of half truths, fear mongering and conjecture at which any blowhard worth his hot air can prosper and excel.

So, how is the recession Lou Dobbs’ fault? Well, in the same way that Mexicans are evil incarnate and birthers are legitimate petitioners. See, it’s written right here on the internet so it must be true, or at least a reasonable assumption, no? Why else would anyone bring it up? Where there’s smoke… Could it be that Lou Dobbs’ is typical of financial experts all over the world these days, having grown reckless and irresponsible over the past decade or so? Did not this attitude combined with greed and corruption lead us into this worldwide financial collapse? While none of us have any reason to believe it was all Lou Dobbs’ fault, well, who’s to say his accusers have no merit?

There, that was easy, wasn’t it? With no facts and no logical reason to believe Lou Dobbs is anything but just one more TV talking head blowhard, the blame for the worldwide recession can be attributed to him. Even though there was no fire, just provide a little smoke and the Chicken Littles of this world will think the sky is burning as well as falling. That said, we have absolutely no reason to believe that Lou Dobbs wears women’s underwear and downloads beastiality porn. Or do we? While we do not condone this sort of wild conjecture (wink-wink!), we feel it our responsibility to let the public decide. And whatever you do, please don’t bring up that wild rumor about Mr. Dobbs being an escapee from a chain gang in Louisiana! You know, those unfounded serial killer innuendoes…

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