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OBAMA’S DEATH PANELS? COOL! CAN ANYONE APPLY?

Ex-Governor of Alaska, Sarah “I’m bailin’!” Palin, has already made good on her promise to serve the entire nation in her new capacity as unemployed hockey Mom. The doubting Thomases among her new constituency of “real Americans” stand corrected. She has embraced her new role as National Ombudsman Without Portfolio admirably, jumping right into the treacherous waters of the debate over the Health Care Reform Bill now making its chameleon-like trip through the halls of Congress. While many Americans, real and otherwise, have expressed concern about the various committees, special interest groups and political hacks turning the design of a sleek race horse of a bill into a clumsy camel with four humps and three legs, Ms. Palin has apparently gained access to a little known provision being inserted into the legislation on the sly: The creation of something called “Obama’s Death Panels.” Obama’s Death Panels!?!

To which many of us say: “Who says we elected a timid wimp now, eh?” Others more realistically respond: “Cool! How do I get one of those jobs?” While Ms. Palin understandably expressed concern that one of these Death Panels was plotting to kill her baby (She really does have access to some very deep and very specific insider information!), few aspirants to the job of Death Panelist care one way or the other about Ms. Palin’s baby. Oh, we’re sure he’s a nice enough kid and all, probably cute as a button and looking like Winston Churchill like most babies do, but he’d actually have to grow up and really annoy the crap out us before he qualifies for an appearance before one of Obama’s Death Panels. Sorry, Trix, or Trot or Fido, or whatever the hell dumbass name your parents saddled you with, but only those with seriously irritating accomplishments need apply.

No sense trivializing something as impressive sounding as Death Panel. (And wouldn’t the title “Death Panelist” get you a great table immediately in any restaurant?) In our new American political atmosphere, where the demonization of those who disagree with you is the order of the day and no idea gets considered on its merits but only its source, Death Panels are merely a logical extension of our current means of political discourse. And you’ve got to hand it to the geniuses in Congress for doing a political end run around the United States Constitution and The Bill of Rights by attaching the creation of much-needed Death Panels to health care legislation. Who will question health care? It’s beneficial! Brilliant! They’ll be up and running before the Supreme Court knows what hit them and by then it will be to late.

Legal challenges only make their way to the Supreme Court after years of slogging their way through the various lower courts, and no petitioner will dare challenge the existence of a panel that can eliminate said petitioner’s existence by voice vote! Think of the savings in court costs and legal bills to our cash-strapped society. The only hurdle left is to decide on a workable forum for these Death Panels. Secret or public? (no-brainer, there – public!) Cable, Network or Pay-Per-View? Hanging, electric chair or the good old trap-door-into-a-cage-of-hungry-lions trick? Do audiences get to vote on who gets voted off the planet for good? Should contestants be allowed representation or should they be forced to answer a series of questions designed to make any reply they give appear to be an admission of guilt. We have no shortage of people who are experts in writing those sort of questions (Is it true that your intentions were malicious or did you simply not care who you hurt? Do you still publicly condone bestiality or is that a private pursuit now?). The ultimate reality show for all the marbles!

In this way our nation can purge the annoying, the politically stubborn and the just plain so-dumb-I-can’t-shut-up-in-public types that plague and vex us no end. And the beauty is that when one party is voted out of power, they get to be Death Panel contestants when the new people take over, taking their chances with some fairly resentful new Death Panel judges. At that point you just know they’ll be a lot of axes (really!) to grind concerning the previous ruling party’s choice of Death panel victims and then the fun begins again! Odds are, in about a generation or less, the nation will be purged of inflammatory ignorant jerks, irritating celebrities and blowhard simpleton politicians (But why stop there? Excessive use of the winking emoticon? Death Panel!). Maybe by then Sarah Palin’s children will have compiled a thick enough resume’ of boneheadedness to qualify for elimination. Until that time, Ms. Palin can rest easy and accept her nation’s heartfelt gratitude for alerting us to what promises to be the fulfillment of the pledge “The right to the pursuit of happiness.” Obama’s Death Panels are coming, people. For interested applicants, line forms to the left.

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