If you’re like a lot of us, you’re getting a little ticked off at the nation of Iran hogging all the headline space in your newspaper. Okay, we got it, they held an election for president and the outcome was rigged, which really isn’t the beef among Iranians. It’s the fact that it was rigged to give the incumbent a landslide victory that pisses them off so much and sends them shrieking into the streets. If the government had made it a close but respectable rip-off, we’d be reading about our own crooked politicians instead of theirs, and the the world would go back to not thinking about Iran all that much.

And it’s not even like their president gets to run the damned country, either. There’s an old crackpot in robes called The Supreme Leader that actually holds all the reins of power in Iran. This guy’s named Ali Khamenei. That’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei to you. Seems he’s the successor to one of the most miserable looking bastards to ever start a revolution, the late, unlamented Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeni, he of the overthrowing of the Shah and the American Embassy hostage taking back in 1979. It seems he didn’t like the way things were shaping up in Iran back then, people getting educations, women not wearing potato sacks and the nation as a whole being a stable, modern, moderate and prosperous one.

So Khomeni started the Iranian Revolution and all of a sudden Iran was the Islamic Republic of Iran, run by a group of his fellow mullahs with him as Supreme Leader, industriously leading Iran back to a time that never was, some made-up fantasy about when Muslim women wore potato sacks and Persia (Iran) was the light of the world. The fact that the chador is a relatively recent innovation created by men who fear women and prefer teenage boys and the last time the Persian Empire dominated the world was over a thousand years before Islam was invented didn’t stop these delusional clowns from imposing the sugar plum visions in their heads on 70 million people.

The world learned all it needed to know about Ruhollah Khomeini when a video was shown shortly after he took power of a ten year old naked girl with her freshly severed hands hung on a string around her neck being paraded through the streets with other so-called “criminals and enemies of the state.” As she stumbled along weeping, holding her bleeding stumps high trying not to bleed to death while being spat upon and stoned by Khomeini’s henchman, you wondered how long such a cruel and insane regime could endure. Well, 40 years so far, and they’ve cost their nation the world’s respect and their own freedom, and have done and said some very despicable things. The final straw, apparently, for decent Iranians was the rigging of a sham election. Why anyone needs to rig a meaningless election anyway is a mystery, but no one knows what goes on under the turbans of Ayatollahs.

And now they’ve gone too far. These people are hogging headline space as if this was important to anyone outside Iran. It is not. It’s sort of up to Iranians to straighten out Iran. A lot of world leaders have been trying to demonize the whole nation in recent years, ignoring the fact that Iran is a modern, fairly westernized and educated nation. The fact that their crazy mullah government has been for years funding terror networks is certainly not the fault of the entire nation, any more than a grandmother from Spokane was responsible for Bush The Younger’s heinous invasion of Iraq. And all their rumblings about building nuclear weapons? So far those efforts have been as real as their invented glorious past.

Anytime you have a theocracy brutally repressing a nation, you’re bound to see a troubled land torn against itself, and that’s what Iran is right now. And it’s not like the rest of us can do much of anything about it. The government there is already trying to blame Western media and governments for their own ineptitude in rigging elections. They say the rest of the world has inflamed Iranian citizens with propaganda. Well, if by that they mean that the rest of the world by and large holds honest elections and doesn’t have any Supreme Leaders in charge of the elected governments, well, maybe they have a point. The very existence of a better way is a temptation to others to try to make their own lives better.

So, barring the rest of us imitating the ways of Iran, what’s to be done about these crazy mullahs so we can have our newspapers back? It’s time to call in The Mullah Whisperer! Yes, there’s a guy who specializes in soothing unruly Ayatollahs, those frisky scamps who just won’t listen and ignore all attempts at training. The Mullah Whisperer insists that they are not intrinsically bad, and don’t need be put to sleep, at least outside of a mad, rabid few anyway. He says they’re misunderstood creatures and can be persuaded by his own tried and true methods when all other avenues have proved fruitless.

Well, judging by events in Iran, it looks like the Ayatollahs over there are really chewing up the furniture and crapping on the carpet, so this is clearly a job for The Mullah Whisperer. The peace of mind of an entire nation is at stake here, to say nothing of the rest of the world wanting to read about something else over their morning cup of coffee for a change. Towards this end, is volunteering to commission The Mullah Whisperer to fly to Tehran and straighten out the Ayatollahs. His job will be to convince these unruly Supreme Council people that the careful lessons and training they received from their mothers is all they need to know, and from now on it’s the Golden Rule or The Mullah Kennel for them.

No more calling anybody Great Satans, no more funding of suicide bombers and no more threatening to annihilate their neighbors. He will gently but forcefully persuade these Mullahs that being well-behaved is in everybody’s best interest. The Mullah Whisperer is eager to tackle this challenge, and is now rehearsing his “bad Mullah, bad Mullah,” speech and packing a lot of Mullah treats like severed hands and porno pictures of teenaged boys as a reward for good behavior. He’s even bringing rolled up newspapers in case they need a sharp rap on the snout or a peek at what kind of headline hogs they have become. It’s time to reclaims the news.

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