Well, after only one therapy session with Iran’s Supreme Leader, a particularly frisky and uncontrollable Mullah named Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the Mullah Whisperer had declared this creature to be incorrigible. Yesterday dispatched the Mullah Whisperer to Tehran to straighten the guy out and he got right on it, taking the red eye to the Iranian capitol straight from Lebanon, where he was just finishing up a successful training session with some formerly rabid Mullahs there. He interviewed the subject and immediately began behavioral training, but it seems that this is one Mullah that is completely averse to adaptation to social situations, exhibiting a complete disregard for others.

It was a stunning admission from the Mullah Whisperer, who was hired by this website with the simple aim of getting Iran off the front page of every newspaper, not really caring one way or the next what goes on in Iran. We have no desire to tell the Iranian people what sort of nation they should run, so long as it doesn’t hog all the headlines when we drink our morning coffee and peruse the newspapers. Ayatollah Khamenei¬† is the guy who’s making the place crazy, so we figured he was the prime candidate for having a few sessions with the Mullah Whisperer. Imagine our chagrin when The Whisperer said the guy should be euthanized after only one session? He said this was one of those rare instances where it was immediately obvious that this was one very mad, very rabid Mullah with no chance of being rehabilitated.

The Mullah Whisperer’s words were borne out just this morning, when every newspaper’s front page sported Khamenei’s likeness and the lead story was how Iran will never, ever give in to demands for reform and that further crackdowns can be expected. While admitting that his government sort of overdid it in the election-stealing process, where they had their guy winning by a landslide of more votes than there are Iranian voters, he declared this act of electoral thievery was no violation (!) of Iranian law. He then went on to outline a number of whacky conspiracy theories, another sure sign of delusional tendencies. When things go south for guys like this, it’s never their fault, it’s always some shadowy conspiracy against them. He’s unleashing his Revolutionary Guards to kill, pummel and gas people in the streets and is locking up protesters and political figures at at impressive clip, pretty much ensuring his own eventual downfall.

So look for Iran to be in in the forefront of the news for a good long while. Like it or not, that’s where all the juicy stories of mindless government brutality and revolution will be coming from, always big sellers in the news. On the plus side, however, Iran will no longer be the perceived threat to regional and international security it has been of late. Nations in the throes of revolution and civil war are rarely big players on the world stage until they sort out their own internal troubles. And as far as them obtaining nuclear weapons? Well, thanks to the Mad Mullah, that’s on the back burner for the foreseeable future. Looks like it’s back to basics weapons-wise for Iran, with stones and molotov cocktails thrown by the protesters, prompting the predictable response of tear gas, bullets and truncheons from the authorities.

So maybe sending in The Mullah Whisperer was all to the good after all, especially since with his guarantee of success or your money back lets off the hook for his hefty fee. His unsuccessful session with Ayatollah Khamenei also served to inform the world just what sort of false threat Iran was in the first place. It is a nation filled with regular, normal people being led by a very crazy, delusional and violent government, sort of like it was here under Bush The Younger and his Supreme Leader, Shotgun Dick Cheney. Just like it was for those 8 years in America, the Iranian president does not run their government. Which makes the idea of rigging the election of their president so lopsidedly a puzzling thing. Had they made it look like their boy won by a more modest margin, that would have mollified the opposition into thinking they came close, we’ll get’ em next time and all that other delusional bullshit, thus avoiding a lot of headaches.

It seems delusion and misconception are the main ingredients of Middle East politics, and now this Supreme Dunderhead Khamenei has let them rule him completely. If he had allowed his man to win by a whisker instead of a landslide, there would be no riots and no revolution and he could have blithely continued about his business of being an international thorn in everybody’s side. But those guys never see forest for the trees. Once you get the word Supreme in front of your name, your ego is bound to get out of control. All he had to do was Google Diana Ross to confirm this, but no, Khamenei just had to follow his worst instincts and pour gasoline on the fire, and now we’re stuck with his headlines until somebody finally puts him to sleep and restores order in Iran. When even The Mullah Whisperer can’t reach you, your days are numbered.

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