E-mail your elected representatives to join the fight against a scourge threatening the very fabric of life in the United States of America. This is a crisis so severe that it affects almost every single American man, woman and child. There are people in this great nation out to undermine you and the things that you love. Your Pursuit of Happiness is at risk here! Call them the PC Police, Do-gooders, killjoys, fanatics, annoying dicks, control freaks, cruel busybodies or whatever you like. The official name of this movement was originally called The War Against Meddlesome Douche Bags but that was too long so it is simply called The War on Douche Bags.
These people are out to make you dance to their tune, and their tune is a monotonous dirge. They will condemn the things you love and attempt to lower your self-esteem because you refuse to do their bidding. Do you smoke cigarettes? Drink coffee? Love somebody of the same sex? Do you drink alcohol? Use drugs? Are you overweight? Do you drive a car? Do you wear leather? Do you like to eat? If any of these activities or attitudes describes you, then you are under attack by meddlesome control freaks who claim to know what’s best for you a whole lot better than you do. The hard truth is that they don’t give a damn about you one way or the next, they only want to control you. Doing good is the last thing on their tiny minds.
Those would be the Douche Bags among us, those people who are not happy unless they are making someone else miserable. It’s a strange and nasty personality trait, one more rooted in cruelty than anything else. Of course Douche Bags pretend their motivations are pure as Ivory Soap and their only motivation is the betterment of mankind, but they never aim their corrections at themselves. It’s you who is wrong, dead wrong about anything you think or say or do, and if only you listened to them you’d be okay. But then some other Douche Bag will come along and tell you there’s something else dreadfully wrong with you and if you don’t change your ways you’ll either go to hell, die young, ruin the planet or drag down the moral fiber of everybody else.
Except for the Douche Bags, that is, who seem to think they have cornered the market on righteousness, intelligence and personal saintliness. For the most part these folks are really stupid and insecure and measure their own self-worth only by how much better they can appear to be than everybody else, the key word here being appear. Good people don’t aggressively stick their noses where they don’t belong and don’t condemn the rest of humanity. These cruel little dicks try to demonize even fat children, as if they didn’t get a hard enough time from their friends and classmates. Now they’ve got to deal with some semi-official label calling them morbidly obese thanks to the Douche Bags. They are attacking our children now.
They’ve already succeeded in convincing the general public to give more respect to cat burglars than they do to cigarette smokers, and to consider drug users as the devil reincarnate. There was a time when there were no laws against drug use in this country, and there were no violent and wealthy drug cartels in existence. These people went really crazy in 1919 and banned alcohol in the whole country, resulting in the rise of organized crime gangs who made untold fortunes supplying illegal booze. Their War on Drugs did the same favor for the drug cartels, a new generation of crazed killers who are now so rich, powerful and violent that they are defeating the armies and police forces of the nation of Mexico.
Thanks, Douche Bags! You happy now with your do-gooding bullshit? Before drugs were illegal people quietly purchased them cheaply at drug stores and used them in the privacy of their own homes. Making them illegal only made them prohibitively expensive, thus creating a criminal culture that surrounds hard core drug users and contributes the majority of America’s 2 million-plus prison inmates, more people in jail than in any other nation on earth. So the Douche Bags made the Home Of The Free a lot less free with their inability to leave a complex and touchy problem well enough alone. Their heavy handed approach created a huge national and international crisis out of what used to be the dirty but manageable little secret of consenting adults.
Now they’re attacking the food we eat, even succeeding in outlawing certain food products here and there. What’s next, criminal food cartels? You let these people get their way and we’ll be buying our steaks from somebody with only one name in a back alley for 50 bucks a pop before you know it. The price and quality will vary but you’d better not complain or some other guys with only one name will stomp you or put a cap in your ass. Our prisons will fill to overflowing with people convicted of possession of tasty food.
And if you prefer driving a car bigger than a breadbasket, then you too are in their sights and are guilty of evaporating the ozone layer all by yourself. If you don’t love Jesus all that much, you just might be in league with the devil. If you like getting your anti-oxidants from red wine instead of some tasteless gruel, you’re a menace to society. If you question the endless wars people like to sacrifice our youngsters in, you’re an anti-American traitor who doesn’t support our troops. If you don’t exercise and jog to the point of wearing a permanent frown, you’re a lazy slob. If you believe in the Bill of Rights you support the terrorists. There’s nothing you can think, say or do that won’t qualify you for condemnation from the Douche Bags. And if you happen to be overweight, it is always hunting season on your ample butt.
Well, it’s time to turn the tables on our self-appointed thought police. Join The War on Douche Bags today! It won’t be an active attack campaign like the ones they enjoying waging. Instead, warriors in the War on Douche Bags will simply ignore these irritating jerkoffs. No legal penalties will be imposed on these morbid clowns and no stripping of their right to be a complete idiot will be tolerated. No sense becoming what you dislike. It may involve telling them to shut the fuck up when they grow too strident every so often, but we will lead by example rather than browbeating. You don’t fight the Douche Bags by becoming a Douche Bag. The War on Douche Bags will consist of each and every one of us doing what the hell we feel like doing as long as we are not harming others and not feeling a bit bad about ourselves for doing so.
We will respect the rights of everyone else to do and think the things that they prefer, even if we disapprove of their activities and ideas. After all, no one’s forcing us to join them. Being fat or gay or imbibing in drugs and alcohol is not contagious and nobody’s business but the fat or gay or stoned. We will be free to teach our own children what we believe is right and wrong, and teach them to respect the opinions of others who may disagree. We’ve got all the laws we need governing stealing and hurting and killing other people and will seek to repeal only those laws that attempt to enforce somebody else’s idea of what is acceptable behavior and what is not. And we will ignore the self-appointed petty tyrants who can’t stand the fact that there are happy, well-adjusted people in this world. Join The War On Douche Bags today. Ignore them and go about your business as you please.