You’ve got to love proverbs. Some of of them are really on the money, enduring bits of wisdom that always apply no matter how old they are, things like “Love is blind” and “A man is known by the company he keeps.” And then there’s some that are kind of quaint and dated, like “A stitch in time saves nine.” Who sews anything anymore in this age of $5 Walmart shirts? Still, proverbs are important tools to put our lives in perspective and to illustrate what all people have in common. As a public service, the extensive research department here at has been busy digging up proverbs for the modern age, to update the proverb experience for future generations. Consider these:

No man is an island, but some of us fat bastards are getting there.

It takes two to Twitter.

Where there’s smoke there’s Rastafarians.

There is no honor among hackers.

All is fair in love and war and play station.

The fool wonders, the wise man Googles.

Botox is only skin deep.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man miss Letterman.

When in doubt, stay there. Learning is a chore.

A Myspace page isn’t built in a day.

Diamonds are forever, and don’t lose their value when the economy blows up in our faces.

A 401K in the hand is pretty useless.

As ye program, so ye download.

Many are called, but few are worth the minutes.

Honesty is the best policy except when your wife asks if this dress makes her look fat.

You can run but cannot hide from Predator drones.

Water, water everywhere, for $1.50 a bottle.

Home is where your heart is, under whatever bridge that might be after the bank takes your house.

Alpo is only dog food when eaten by a dog. Under the bridge, it is called “hobo stew.”

The meek shall inherit the deficits.

Music soothes the savage beast, except for death metal and gangsta rap, which only fuels his insatiable rage.

When the fat lady sings, Simon Cowell barks.

The Lord loves drunkards and fools, but despiseth the repo man.

Facebook does not a true friend make.

You cannot photoshop the face in your mirror.

One picture is worth a thousand words, but a thousand pictures of your dog will convince no one it is precious.

Live and learn. Or not.

A job worth doing is worth doing sedated.

Only the good die young, and the rest of us get to take their stuff.

The proof of the pudding is in the chemical additives.

Many hands make light work, except when it comes to making broth.

You can’t make a silk purse out of a pig’s ear, but if you label it “Grucci” you can sell it on Canal Street.

Curiosity killed the cat, cloning brought it back.

Lots of money makes even Mr. Potato Head handsome and witty.

Never spend your money before you have it, unless you are a giant bank or the government.

Who can deny, a proverb beginning with “who can deny” is annoying?

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