So New York City Mayor (For Life?) Michael Bloomberg, the self-made billionaire (is there any other kind?) has undertaken his second science experiment on his subjects, er, that is, citizens. First time around, he banned the use of trans-fats in commercial food preparation in New York City, presumably to get our raging cholesterol counts and escalating body weights under control. That had absolutely no effect on anybody but, undaunted, he has decided we all need to cut our intake of salt by half, even though studies by actual doctors and scientists with long white coats and letters after their names have already conducted studies that suggest this is a worthless goal.

Mayor Mike the Science Guy’s spokespeople have gone on public record as saying that this action will lower heath care costs and “prevent 150,000 premature deaths every year.” A careful examination of Mayor Mike and his minions reveals no long white lab coats or medical and scientific degrees to their credit. They are, however, masters of pulling smart sounding statistics and bogus facts out of their asses. And they enjoy almost absolute power, with the legislature in New York City consisting of a bunch of corrupt political hacks called the City Council that have as much power as your average meter maid, if that much. Meter maids are to be feared for the potential financial burden they can place on any of us who owns a car. City Council members? Hand them a fifty dollar bill and they’ll shut up and go away.

But that’s just the way it is in New York City, the only place in America where 8 million people get to be ruled by fiat, with no pesky Constitutional checks and balances to impede orderly government. So what the hell, let’s jut go for it and let Mayor Mike do as he pleases. At least he’s not as annoying as his predecessor Rudy The Great, who gave himself the nickname “The Great,” even though he was the guy who insisted his emergency headquarters should be located in the Twin Towers instead of underground like his advisors wanted. That didn’t work out so well one sunny September morning in the beginning of this century. Rudy’s science experiments consisted of putting as many people in jail as possible, so Mayor Mike’s tinkering with our diets doesn’t seem so bad by comparison. Since we the people of New York City are the involuntary lab rats here, let’s suggest some other experiments on us that at least don’t affect the taste and appeal on our food. For example:

Free Money: To study the effects of widespread prosperity on New Yorkers, Mayor Mike could give away half of his $20 billion fortune to New York’s poor people. He could still eke out a fairly adequate living on the other 10 bil, while scientists get to study how having money changes people’s lives. If you are among the one hundred thousand poorest New Yorkers, Mike will give you $100,000 tax-free to see if that makes a difference in your life. Unlike the salt and the fat thing, this one will be strictly voluntary. Line forms to the left.

The Good Food Diet: Since Mayor Mike The Science Guy likes tinkering with other people’s diets, here’s a little experiment that he could try: Letting people eat what they like. What one person likes, another may not, and it’s nobody’s business what their individual choices might be. So, in a radical departure from the Big Diet Brother Policy, the mayor and his henchmen can propose a separation of Kitchen and State and vow to leave us the hell alone and mind their own damned business. Don’t hold your breath waiting for this one. Killjoys are never happy unless they’re making someone else miserable.

The Wine and Candy Diet: Most people like a good wine, and everybody likes candy, so why not start giving these things away? The government cheese give-away is boring and old hat anyway. The effects of wine and chocolate on people’s moods just might be fairly positive (you think?) and make for a lot of mellow and satisfied citizens. In a contentious and fast-paced place like New York City, a little dose of mellow just might help.

The Legalize Drugs And Prostitution Experiment: This experiment would take the profits and the control away from the gangsters and pimps and reduce the jail population by more than half. There will be not one single extra drug addict or prostitute created by this move, and the tax revenues derived from these activities will fill the treasury. Out of business will be the drug gangs and the violent pimps, replaced by mild-mannered clerks selling these goods and services much like the clerks in liquor stores, a segment of society not noted for their out-of-control behavior. Tax revenues will dwarf the New York City $1.50 per pack of cigarettes tax that currently reaps billions from a popular vice. Why give away additional potential billions to thugs when people are going to buy drugs and sex no matter what laws are on the books?

The Great Education Experiment: New York City’s public schools were once the standard of excellence in this nation. No more. When Mayor Mike the Science Guy first ran for office he announced that his mayoralty would be a failure if he didn’t change that. So what did he do? Like any corporate weenie, he engineered a hostile takeover of the Board of Education and renamed it the Department of Education and placed it under his direct control. That’s change, right? Well, so far that’s the only change in the education of 1 million students and the high school dropout rate has increased while our national ratings have decreased. How about conducting an experiment where we hire the best teachers available and enforce strict rules of conduct and study habits? Of all people, Mayor Mike should know that New York City is not exactly a democracy, so giving students and their parents the option of doing well or slacking off doesn’t need to be on the menu. If you can take our fat and salt away, why not eliminate educational incompetence? After all, Mayor Mike the Science Guy was the one who brought it up in the first place, so maybe he needs to be reminded of this.

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