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D.O.P.O.T.O., Humor

DOPOTO REPORTS: PEOPLE ARE STEALING OUR ACT

The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO) has, as always, been scouring the globe for the readily apparent. Also as usual, the Department has many rivals for pointing out the forest for the trees. The latest DOPOTO impersonator is one Steve Schmidt, the campaign manager for Senator John McCain’s failed presidential bid in the 2008 election. While trying to get a grumpy old man elected president is an unenviable task, especially when said grumpy old man picks as his running mate a decidedly bizarre and ignorant bimbo from Alaska, Mr. Schmidt did his best. The man is a professional and a talented political operative who has the misfortune to be working within the framework of a dying political party.

The Republican Party was coming off eight years in power under President Bush The Younger, during which time they failed to make even one correct decision and made a bigger mess of America than was thought to be humanly possible. By the time the 2008 elections rolled around, the American people had their fill and overwhelmingly delivered the White House and both houses of Congress to the Democrats. These things happen from time to time in American politics, and the defeated party retrenches and eventually bounces back. This time, however, the Republican Party is in such disarray that it may split into one or more new political parties, one for the religious right wing, another for the corporate thieves, perhaps yet another for the simply power mad.

Which is where Steve Schmidt entered the business of pointing out the obvious. In a speech before the Log Cabin Republican convention, Mr. Schmidt declared that religion is ruining the Republican Party. He stated that a political party is no place to formulate policies based on religious faith, figuring that people with differing religious beliefs would be driven away, and others reluctant to join. This has been a serious problem for Republicans for many years, but only Steve Schmidt has been willing to talk about the 800 pound gorilla in the room. He reasons that if the party announces itself to be ordained by God, only zealots, professional killjoys and would-be Messiahs will remain in the fold.

And so DOPOTO, being experts in the field of pointing out the obvious, is more than willing to share the results of our research into the matter. It seems that around the time of Ronald Reagan, Jesus Freaks started getting themselves politically organized. Prior to that time, Jesus Freaks were basically mentally imbalanced and very disoriented individuals that others went to great lengths to avoid, so they decided to clean up their acts, band together and go mainstream. Unfortunately for the Republican Party, that is where the Jesus Freaks gravitated. Even more unfortunate, their new status as respectable citizens did not temper their extremely annoying personalities or their odd tendency to condemn most of humanity to the eternal damnation of Hell Fire, as if that was within their power.

At first they organized a local election here, a statewide victory there, and gradually became a national presence, sending Congressman and Senators to Washington and Governors to state capitals. And like any zealots who get a taste of power, theirs went right to their pointy little pin heads. Before long they were announcing that anyone who disagreed with them were in an open alliance with Satan and they finally got one of their fellow dimwits elected president, the aforementioned Bush The Younger, the black sheep of the very wealthy and powerful Bush family. Himself a lifelong failure, a complete idiot and a born-again Christian, he set records as the Governor of Texas for executing retarded teenagers and clearing brush at his ranch, a never-ending obsession in dry and brushy Texas. His presidency not only put America in dire straits, but left the Republican Party in a shambles.

Such is their disarray that the current capo-di-tutti-capo of the Republican Party is now Rush Limbaugh, the ignorant radio buffoon most famous for his addiction to Oxycontin (hillbilly heroin) and wishing failure for his nation’s president. A warmonger who never wore a uniform, a self-proclaimed intellectual who failed out of college after two semesters (failing even a ballroom dancing class!) and a serial marrier, Mr. Limbaugh is himself not a religious man but is an expert blowhard adept at pandering to religious weirdos. His only rival for the title of Republican Head Honcho is the disgraced former Speaker of The House, Newt Gingrich, a man who changes religions as often as he changes wives. Newt is best known for obsessing over President Clinton’s penis and handing his wife divorce papers while she was in the hospital sick with cancer so he could marry his trophy wife (who he has since traded in for a newer, presumably trophier, model).

So, Mr. Schmidt, the God Squad is only one of your party’s problems. The party that in recent times was the home of smart people like Jacob Javits, Margaret Chase-Smith, Everett Dirksen, Henry Cabot Lodge, Dwight D. Eisenhower and John Foster Dulles, the Republicans haven’t had a leader of any political talent or intellectual substance since Richard Nixon, and he was a paranoid crook who resigned in disgrace. While they still proudly call themselves “The Grand Old Party” and “The Party of Lincoln,” many people figure it was all downhill after Honest Abe and that the only thing “Grand” about them is larceny. 

None of these former Republican leaders would qualify for inclusion in today’s GOP, not being anywhere near unreasonable or insane enough, even Nixon. The Christian Fascists currently running the show at the GOP are the final nail in the coffin of the Republican Party. Naturally Mr. Schmidt’s speech was received about as well as the Captain of The Titanic greeted that news that his unsinkable ship was taking on water faster than Rush Limbaugh washing down a few fistfuls of Oxy. Some even banished him to Hades for the sin of describing the emperor’s new clothes. This has been a report from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious.

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