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D.O.P.O.T.O., Humor

DOPOTO REPORTS: CURIOUS THINGS ABOUND

The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO) has been as usual observing and reporting on all things great and small in this great nation of ours and beyond. So far 2009 has been a curious year, with a new president taking the reins of a government and an economy in shambles, up to his sizable ears in troubles left over from his predecessor Bush The Younger, possibly the worst president ever of any country anywhere and into the foreseeable future. Our research teams here at DOPOTO have been scouring the record books and it seems that Bush The Younger was even less effective than Idi Amin, no small feat. And yet the public outcry against the Democrat Barack Obama from prominent Republicans started before the man was even sworn in as America’s 44th president. It seems they long for a return of the good old days of two and a half months ago when they were in power and their policies were bankrupting the nation and actively attacking the Bill of Rights.

Even Newt Gingrich has been resurrected from the political garbage dump and elevated to a position of Elder Statesman. This is a man who pretty much failed at everything he set out to do for his entire life and has set a sorry moral example even for opportunistic hacks. These days the Republican Party, once the home of smart guys and cautious statesmen, is now being fronted by two fat buffoons with not a single original thought between them, the other one being the famous radio entertainer and drug addict, Rush Limbaugh. Not that being a drug addict is all that bad, but this particular one has gone on record as gloating with glee when other drug addicts died from an overdose (maybe figuring: good, more for me!). He’s even repeated over and over again that he wishes the new president, and hence his own nation, will fail. 

With leadership like this, DOPOTO expects the Christian Fascist Wing of the Republican Party to form their own party so they can at least go down in ignominious defeat in the next election on their own terms. Names being proposed for this new political movement are “Guns for God Party,” “The Jesus Loves Me But Hates You Party,” “The Old Testament Party” and “The Real Aryan Nation.” That last one is subject to litigation brought by the prison gang of murderous White Supremacists of the same name, claiming their sales of meth-amphetamine will be hurt by this unwanted association with such scary, vile scum. 

In other news, pirates from Somalia continue to take ships for ransom off the coast of Africa. In a curious twist on old pirates, these guys don’t have formidable warships that fire volleys of cannonballs and grapeshot at their targets and then swing on board with cutlassess in their hands and daggers in their teeth. These Somali pirates basically drive up with a tiny boat like your buddy has for fishing, sneak on board and point submachine guns at everybody until someone hands them a million bucks and then they go away. At least they keep up with some of the old pirate traditions of blowing the dough on drinking, hookers and gaudy jewelry back on land. Then they sober up and go do it again. So far, so good.

All the nations that are up in arms about this have not discouraged these guys and the warships they send over there are pretty much equipped to lay waste to vast swaths of territory, not to find drunken guys in dinky little fishing boats. This just might be a job for the Harbor Police. Issue a few BWI summonses (Boating While Intoxicated), confiscate their beer and maybe make them take a safe boating course. That course of action can’t be any less effective than sending battleships after dinghies. Right now the American Navy has surrounded a life boat with four pirates holding an American sea captain hostage with a half a dozen modern dreadnoughts and still the guy is a prisoner. The pirates have been basically mooning the navy, waving their whiskey bottles at them and singing Bruce Springsteen songs. This has been a report from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious.

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