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Humor, Politics

THINGS YOU’VE GOT TO LOVE

Japan is seeking Australia’s help with their whaling industry. They are asking Australia not to allow the anti-whaling activist ship The Steve Irwin to refuel at any of their seaports. What you have to love here is that the activists named their ship after one of the dopiest TV celebrities ever, Steve Irwin, who gained fame as “The Crocodile Hunter.” Not surprisingly, Steve Irwin is dead. What is surprising, however, is that he wasn’t eaten by a crocodile but harpooned by a sting ray. Sting Rays, in spite of their fearsome name, are timid creatures who almost never harm human beings. That’s how annoying this guy was. That’s like getting killed by a lamb or a puppy. Crikey, indeed.

Looking into various websites on the matter, it seems some Japanese people agree that whale meat tastes like horse, although you have to wonder how they know that. Maybe there’s a lot of horse eating going on in Japan we don’t know about, in which case the animal rights activists are going to have to build a covered wagon or something to interfere with the horse harvesting activities on the vast Japanese plains. They could name the covered wagon either The Siegfried or The Roy, whichever one of them it was that got eaten by their tiger. And while they’re at it maybe they could try their luck getting the Koreans and Chinese to stop wokking their dogs.

You’ve got to love the folks who command the rest of us not to wear fur or eat meat. Do they think their leather shoes and belts or their goose-down parkas were voluntary donations from the animal kingdom in appreciation of all the efforts on their behalf? And how about those vegan people who won’t even consume dairy products? They can’t even eat pizza, the poor souls. One can’t help but notice that none of these people come from any of the starving regions of the globe where children die every day from hunger. Wonder how their dietary theories would go over in some of those places? Seems like these designer exclusionary diets only spring up where there is plenty of every kind of food to eat. Or not eat. It’s always a better deal to get yourself born in a place where there are options.

You’ve also got to love the neo-cons, big losers in America’s 2008 election sweepstakes. They are back to the position where they feel most comfortable, that of the outsider snidely condemning those in power and anyone else who disagrees with their baffling ideology. They figure that if they keep screaming loud enough and long enough, people will forget that when they did hold power they failed completely and miserably at everything they touched and their theories didn’t hold any water at all. They are much happier with disgruntled outsider status, which is by far the easier deal than having to prove that your ideas work.

Towards that end, they made sure they nominated the weakest possible presidential candidate last year, and just in case that didn’t work they provided him with a lunatic albatross of a running mate that sealed the victory for Barack Obama. Before a day had passed after the election, web sites calling for the impeachment of the (!) president-elect sprang up like mushrooms on a dung heap and the right-wing commentators went into overdrive doing what they do best: predicting the end of life as we know it. 

Their relief at not being in charge anymore and going back to preaching divisive claptrap is almost palpable. They were scared to death that their 8 years in power proving their theories completely wrong would ruin their lucrative livelihoods as cultural curiosities. Luckily they have found the American people a forgiving and generous lot and are warmly welcomed back to the comedy entertainment industry with open arms, where they can do no further harm and at least provide us with some welcome laughs as we deal with the bleak landscape their policies have created. 

Here’s another outfit you’ve got to love: The International Crisis Group. This is a private organization based in Belgium founded for the purpose of heading off wars. Well, they waited until today to call for a cease-fire fire in the 12-day old Israeli-Palestinian war in Gaza, pretty much after everything worth blowing up has already been blown up. One supposes they model themselves after the United Nations, so they probably had to wait for a committee to study the situation and report back them before speaking out. No sense being too hasty, maybe reading a newspaper or watching TV news broadcasts of all the buildings falling down and the people ripped to bloody shreds. 

Seems like they’re building on their sterling record of not preventing wars in Iraq, Darfur, Sierra Leone, Chad, Bosnia, Afghanistan, Sri Lanka and many dozens of other locations that their web site assures us that they are carefully monitoring. There’s no mention on the site whether or not they send in any food or bandages to these places after their “crisis,” a pretty mild term for war and genocide. No mention either of any apologies for not having spoken up sooner. Donors to this organization might want to look into getting their money back. Either that or get them to change their name to the The History Channel. Oops, that one’s taken. So is the U.N., so maybe they could call themselves the Barn Door Society.

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