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IT’S AWARDS SEASON!

Yes, it’s that time of year when the entertainment industry honors itself with a dozen or more awards shows and we go along for the glamorous ride. Who will win Best Supporting Actor in a Really Bad Mini-series? Which famous clueless bimbo will show up drunk and half naked his year? Which performer will drone drearily on and on in their acceptance speech, thus illustrating exactly why script writers are so essential. Which celebrity presenter will be too vain to wear eyeglasses and be unable to read the tele-prompter? Who will be judged to be really old, washed up and ready to die and thus gets awarded a LIfetime Achievement Award? And which unwieldy, unbelievably-over-the-top albatross of a Hollywood epic will win Best Picture?

It’s a lot of fun keeping up with these ego-fests, and leads one to wonder why only the entertainment industry gets to celebrate itself so spectacularly. What about the rest of us? Do we not work hard at our respective crafts? Aren’t we people, too? Why let the actors and directors hog all the kudos? These people are already rich and famous, reward enough in itself! It’s about time we start handing out some well-deserved recognition to regular people, too. Here’s a few suggestions for awards shows:

THE OUTSOURCED AWARDS: In this show, people whose jobs have been shipped overseas will be awarded an extra 13 weeks of unemployment benefits and a scholarship to Apex Technical School to receive retraining as entry-level clerks. The Grand Prize is an all-expense-paid trip to India to visit their old job.

EXECUTIVE OF THE YEAR AWARDS: Held on a private island somewhere in the Caribbean, this award dinner will recognize excellence in business acumen. CEOs from multinational corporations will be awarded portraits of themselves rendered in gold and platinum with their names spelled out in flawless diamonds. There will be no competition since every one in attendance will get one. The cost of this extravaganza will naturally be passed on to the stockholders and ultimately the consumers.

WORKING STIFF OF THE YEAR AWARDS: This awards show will be held in a Denny’s Restaurant on a Monday night in February, traditionally the slowest night of the year in the restaurant business. Winners will be presented gift certificates for food to feed their families and energy credits to heat their homes this winter. One lucky winner will have his mortgage arrears paid up to date.

THE COMB OVER AWARDS: Celebrities with their $500 barbers and folic engineers need not apply. These Comb Over Awards are for regular bald guys too cheap to buy a toupee and who figure they can fool everybody with a few wisps of hair from the sides of their heads. Categories are Side To Side, The Swirl, Back to Front and the difficult to achieve Loop-De-Loop, that nearly impossible comb-forward-and-then-double back technique simulating a real pompadour. Highlights of the evening are bloopers clips showing the nominees caught unaware by a gust of wind. Sponsored by Crazy Glue Hair Gel For Men, the winners receive a lifetime supply of photographs of themselves where you really can’t tell. 

THE MAKEUP AWARDS: Again, not a celebrity event for all those famous aging women and their small army of facial technicians, but an award for the average woman. Categories include The Blue Hair Matron Prize, the coveted Largest Area Covered By Green Eye Shadow Award, the I Shaved My Eyebrows and Drew On New Ones With A Magic Marker Award, the Corinthian Leather Skin Tanning Lamp Award and the main event of the evening, the Carol Channing Award for the creepiest impersonation of a 10 year old girl by a grandmother. Winners are awarded gift certificates for visits with a prominent Dermatologist.

THE JAILHOUSE TATTOO AWARDS: In this awards show filmed live in sunny California’s famous Folsom State Prison, inmates compete for the best tattoos created with bristles from a wire brush and BIc Pen ink. Categories include Best L-o-v-e and H-a-t-e Inscribed on The Knuckles, Most Realistic Blue Teardrops, Best Gang Logo-Back, Best Gang Logo-Chest, and the Grand Prize: Snakes And Naked Babes. Winners are awarded cartons of cigarettes and extra yard privileges.

THE CHOLESTEROL AWARDS: This show, hosted by a famous fat guy, features awards for Most Blocked Arteries, Most Heart Bypass Operations,  The Fattest Person Never to Have A Heart Attack Award and highlight of the evening and a Lifetime Achievement honor, The McDonald’s Award For Meritorious Service And Trans-fat Consumption.

THE COUCH POTATO AWARDS: An award for couch potatoes of all stripes, this awards show is held in some guy’s living room in Wisconsin. There is a cultural award given, called the I’ve Seen Every Episode of Law And Oder Twice Award, a political non-participation award called the I Don’t Vote But I Yell At My TV A Lot Award and of course a sporting award called the Armchair Quarterback Award For Non-Stop Sports Viewing. The top prize is always The Roundest Pot Belly Award. New and special categories are included every year, including this year’s Special Achievement Prizes to a guy who taught his dog to fetch a beer and Doritos and the lady who watches 3 TV sets at once so she can view Oprah, Judge Judy and All My Children without having to get up and deal with the VCR.

THE APATHY AWARDS: Once again, to the disappointment of no one, The Apathy Awards were cancelled due to lack of interest. Hope is held out for next year’s show, but not all that much. One of the show’s producers promised to get right on it, but so far all he’s accomplished is watching all the other awards shows on television. He found some ideas he could use, but neglected to write them down and now he’s forgotten what it was he meant to do in the first place. Oh well, no big deal…

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