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GOBAMA! THE FIRST GRANNY IS WATCHING

Okay, we got it. History was made, prejudices overcome and neo-conservatism exposed for the fraud it always was. We’re proud, hopeful and determined to overcome all the grave problems we all face. Now get to work! Send Beyonce, U2 and Boss Springsteen home, pull down the bunting and get somebody to sweep up the National Mall. Get yourself a nice comfortable desk chair in the oval office and park your skinny butt in it for the duration. You have no ranch, no brush to clear and a family around you who you genuinely like. They’ll be right upstairs when you need a reminder as to why you’re doing all this hard work. Yours won’t be a rugged commute, but your job will be a bitch and a half.

And don’t forget you’ve got your mother-in-law living with you, your children’s grandmother. You won’t have to read the papers to know when you’re screwing up, you’ll just get The Look. You do not want to disappoint Granny One. You do not want to be the recipient of The Look! And you don’t want your wife pissed off at you either, she can make the hard life you pursued so single-mindedly even harder. Nor do you want your daughters hearing crap about you at school. You don’t want them to turn into wild drunken bimbos like the Bush twins, traumatized and low in self-esteem from years of hearing what a bonehead their Daddy is and how he’s screwing up this good thing we’ve got here that we call America.

It’s not like we ask the impossible of our presidents, like we hand them some barren wasteland and say “Here, do something with this shithole!” This is America we trust them with, the most prosperous and free nation in history, bountiful and productive, the envy of the planet, and all we ask is that they don’t fuck it up. Not a huge request. Just don’t fuck it up, okay? Well, your predecessor sure fucked things up around here, and then some! He was just like his greedy friends, the clowns who were entrusted with America’s economy and banking system, as golden a goose as ever there was until those guys started wondering what goose flesh tastes like and the bird freaked out and stopped laying golden eggs when they started sharpening their knives and tying on dinner bibs. 

So now you’re a guy of whom we are we’re asking a hell of a lot, maybe even the impossible. It’s your misfortune to follow America’s worst and most destructive president ever and into the future, and America and our golden goose are hurting units. What’s the plan, Stan? Hope it’s a dandy. The goons you just defeated at the polls are already making the excuse that Bush The Younger was not really one of them, he didn’t follow their blueprint. This is bullshit of course since he was the poster boy for neo-cons and implemented any harebrained scheme that popped into their pinheads. Which is what got us into this fine mess. Count on them harassing you every step of the way. 

When they held power they were sore winners! Forget about now that they’ve been exposed as incompetents, cowards and thieves. All bets are off. The day after you won the election there were already numerous websites up and running calling for your impeachment, 3 months before you even took office! Your call for bipartisan cooperation is wasted on such cretins. Take the two years with your Democratic Congress and get everything done that you need done while the getting is good. After that there are no guarantees. The voters could go all apathetic again and the neo-conmen might con their way back into Congress in sufficient numbers to stymie your programs. You don’t want to explain that one to Granny One. 

While you’re busy pursuing your agenda, appoint a special prosecutor and sic the FBI on the criminals in the Bush The Younger gang. You just swore to uphold the Constitution and that’s not always pretty. Brotherhood, nonpartisanship and kumbaya aside, there were some serious criminals undermining our country and your oath requires you do not let that pass. It’s the little things you let go, not the felonies. Get Joe The Vice President involved, he’s been a Senator forever and knows where the bodies are buried. Dig them up and show the world the rotten corpses, and this way you’ll make anyone in your own administration think twice before they decide to go over to the Dark Side. You didn’t hire any saints, and in the stratosphere of power and ambition over which you now preside, temptation and corruption are always viable options. No sense kidding yourself.

So, welcome to our national nightmare, Mr. President, and forget about that honeymoon. Don’t be shy about turning things upside down. After all, you did just that by getting elected in the first place so don’t stop now. Don’t worry about a second term, just go for broke right now and that will take care if itself. Give us a show to remember and get this train back on the tracks. We’re with you here, we’ve got your back. A nation and the First Granny are expecting a whole lot. Shake things up and don’t let us down. All we ask is a that you be a genius and do the impossible, or at the very least turn in a superhuman effort providing outstanding results. But hey, no pressure, right?

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